My “superiors” would like me to remain a cog in the wheel. (The only aspect of the definition for “superior” that I accept in this context is, “higher in station, rank, degree, importance.”) And I have been this obedient, complaisant, unthinking drone, as they have requested, for three-plus weeks now. The “you” throughout the remainder of this thought represents a composite of these multiple individual superiors.

“Now that I look back, I realize that a life predicated on being obedient is a very comfortable life indeed. Living in such a way reduces to a minimum one's own need to think.”

For whatever reasons, I am very uncomfortable with comfortable; and I like to think. So though I can feel the allure of comfortable obedience, I believe respectful, reasoned disobedience is often necessary to resolve injustice. It has now been more than eight weeks since I discovered what (to me) were and are intentional admissions improprieties. These eight weeks may not seem long to those in power, and you have said so. But for a rebellious, questioning, skeptical drone with an (apparently) inordinate sense of justice, this eight-plus weeks in which I have observed and experienced ongoing and consistent injustice, feels endless. Dramatic? From your perspective I am sure you are nodding your head yes; but from my perspective? Well... I forget; I am a drone and should not have a perspective. Besides, you have suffered also. Right? By bringing to your attention this ongoing and consistent wrongdoing, you have had to step outside of the safety and comfort of your invisibility cloak. You have actually had to experience small doses of reality. And you have made it clear that you do not like it. But yet my eight-plus weeks of eight-plus hours per day of maddening, saddening, unmoving, harsh reality should only dictate more patience? Though you may not be nearing an end - (How would I know?) – and though you apparently do not understand my disquietude, I need some closure.

Based on this last three weeks I believe that you believe circumstance is returning to status quo and we're all going to live happily ever after. I have dutifully crawled up the chain of command and reported wrongdoing according to established guidelines. For more than eight weeks I have not seen justice, and for more than four weeks now I have not been updated on the process or even reassured that the process is still in process. According to you, it is not my place to know these things. According to you I should snap to and fall in line. And in this moment I feel an immense pressure to follow these orders; but how do I answer if, down the road, someone asks why I did not speak up?

“I was one of the many horses pulling the wagon and couldn't escape left or right because of the will of the driver.”

I do not want to scream “FIRE!” when it is only some smoldering rags in a broom closet. I am uncertain if anyone would even listen or care; which certainly, (from where I sit), has been the reaction internally. But if I do not see someone actually extinguishing the danger instead of slamming the door shut and ordering me not to look because everything is fine now, I can only believe it will spread. The last thing I want is to see overzealous outsiders forcing you to react because they are fanning the flames. But the possibility of this over-the-top alternative is preferable to believing there are still smoldering rags in the broom closet. Please. I am begging. Help me to understand why I should not yell “Fire!”

“My heart was light and joyful in my work, because the decisions were not mine.”

The three Adolf Eichmann quotes within the thought above were his defense; and he was hanged for his crimes. Dramatic? Of course it is. I am making a point. You are not allowed to misinterpret. I am not in the least making light of the Holocaust, and I am not trying to blow this circumstance way out of proportion. It was my description of this circumstance as smoldering rags, and I wholeheartedly acknowledge that my smoldering rags come nowhere near the literal and figurative Hell of the Holocaust. Regardless, my comparison is valid. I understand the unspeakable difference in scale, but this does not change my responsibility to address injustice AND to (as much as I humanly, possibly can) see it through to a resolution.

Adolf Eichmann chose, daily, to stay and to participate and to contribute. Adolf Eichmann chose, daily, to not speak out against, (in his own words), “the gruesome workings of the machinery of death.” How can I stay silent? How can I obediently fall in line, when I feel as fervently as I do about justice and equity and diversity and transparency? How can I expect anyone to hold anyone accountable if I am unwilling to fight this fight?

In this circumstance, in this fight, I have seen no resolution nor have I been given reason to believe in my superiors. I believe it to be a verifiable slippery slope from the smallest of “acceptable” transgressions to a parade of unchallenged presuppositions convincing one of their God-like judgment and decision-making prowess and serving to cement one's perception of superiority; a clear matter of quantity and/or degree, not kind. Again, dramatic? Yes. Admittedly, this circumstance is a small fight. But at this point in my Life, I cannot see injustice, in any amount, and simply let it go. To do so, (for me) would be Sacrilege.

You might be thinking and you might say, “one person cannot save the world.” But imagine for a moment where we would be if everyone, (or even a large majority of us), used this as an excuse to always pick the next battle; to never fight this one. We could be on the verge of destroying the habitability of our planet. We could be easily charmed and distracted by superficial, ego-driven status symbols such as the clothes we wear, the car we drive, the University or College we attend. We could be facing tyranny and the potential for despotic rule. We could be sharply divided, unable to listen, unable to reason, unable to resolve.

I may not ultimately be able to save the world, but I am going to work very hard to think and to act as if I can.

I began writing this week, actively hoping I would find reason to let this go. On my own I am unable to do so. As an employee, perhaps you are right; perhaps it is not my place to fight this fight. But as a resident of this state, and as a citizen of this world, it is my obligation to ask these questions; it is my obligation to fight this fight.

So again: Please. I am begging. Help me to understand why I should not yell “Fire.”

Please.

Help me to move on in a way that serves justice and is mutually beneficial.

If I have to choose between justice and self-preservation, I will choose the possibility of justice.