I am stuck with me; and yet, knowing this, I still insist on examining my inner self with as much truthfulness as I can bear. This thinking is consistent with Kant who maintained that "the highest maxim, uninhibited truthfulness toward oneself as well as in the behavior toward everyone else, is the only proof of a person's consciousness of having character." I'm not sure I agree with complete uninhibited (verbal) truthfulness toward everyone else, for a couple of reasons: 1) many of us would not have jobs or friends if we were genuinely truthful with others; and 2) who am I to presume to understand your personal Truth and/or impose mine upon you. I believe Kant's statement should be interpreted as "behavior toward everyone else" that is consistent with one's sense of virtue, which should be closely connected with one's truthfulness toward oneself. (After all, actions do speak louder than words.) Simply put - Be Yourself, to yourself and to others. And to this end I absolutely believe in uninhibited truthfulness to oneself; you must first know yourself, and only then can you be yourself.

But Gosh; uninhibited truthfulness ... It can be hard some days; admitting and examining all my foibles and failings, and knowing I am constantly setting examples and precedent, and continuing to push myself to meet/exceed my expectations; and then when I am unable to meet those expectations, the cycle begins again; a cycle that will not end in this lifetime.

Yet living in a world of illusion (lies?), by telling myself that everything is wonderful, and all my decisions are correct and proper, and it's those who disagree with me that are deluded, leaves me disappointed and disheartened - when I catch myself. Studies have shown that when asked, more people say they would prefer truthfulness over illusion, yet this is not always borne out by our actions. It seems many of us are caught up in this wave of 'positive psychology' that attempts to carry us 'on high' while holding truthfulness / reality beneath the surface in hopes it will drown.

So for me that leaves a spectrum of Pain (at one end) to Delusion (at the other end) and me scampering back and forth between the two, attempting to locate the most comfortable proportions. I will admit and have been saying for 40-some weeks that this spectrum is intermittently punctuated with varying-sized spikes of beauty, joy, warmth, peace, and goodness (just a few of many choices related to our search for Happiness), so the hopelessness is periodically hopeful, but the tangible substance of the spectrum remains (again, for me) pain and delusion; (or if you prefer a somewhat kinder, gentler, interpretation - reality and illusion). I would also maintain that in the 'positive psychology' analogy above, this spectrum is still the substance of existence, but with the spectrum turned 90 degrees placing the illusion/delusion end riding the top of the wave which leaves the pain/reality end held beneath the surface. Continuing this analogy, we should ask the question, is Depression or Melancholia then 'positive psychology' turned on its head? And if so, does that mean 'positive psychology' is simply Depression or Melancholia turned on its head? It is something to think about.

We've painted a pretty picture but I'm not sure we've clearly resolved the issue of where to land between Pain and Delusion. It seems to clear up a little if we ask where to land between Reality and Illusion, since (as previously mentioned) most people would choose (at least consciously) reality. I believe it becomes very clear if we ask where to land between truthfulness and lies. Phrased in this manner we are right back to the beginning of this post encouraging truthfulness / reality / pain - "I still insist on examining my inner self with as much truthfulness as I can bear."

The question now becomes, 'how much truthfulness can one bear, and still remain a functional, productive, positive force in this life?' If I back off or ease up due to perceived functionality issues, does that then become an excuse or (worse yet) a reason to be less truthful? Yet if I push myself too far, will I find myself unable to function AND with a skewed sense of truthfulness?

With these questions in mind, it seems that uninhibited truthfulness may be an unattainable ideal much like Happiness, Truth, and Wisdom. But also like these other unattainable ideals, just because it is an unattainable ideal, does not mean it should not be pursued with the same energy we would put forth if it were attainable. This mindset is absolutely necessary to maximally close the gap on any of these ideals.

So the challenge is to balance positive functionality with full-scale truthfulness (i.e. minimal illusion), while at the same time deluding oneself into believing uninhibited truthfulness is possible. Oh what a tangled web we weave - using illusion to minimize illusion.

Does this contradiction discredit the premise? I would say no, because the entire premise is based on a mix (within the spectrum) of illusion and reality, and if uninhibited truthfulness is an unattainable ideal, we must choose a certain proportion of illusion regardless, therefore what better way to use illusion than to minimize illusion.

It is not an easy task to recognize illusion without acknowledging it or allowing it to impede progress toward uninhibited truthfulness. Often it is easier to acknowledge illusion as reality; but if recognized, I have found that the most effective way to mitigate its impact is as outlined in the recent post 'Filtered Happiness' where I say: I should not say or think, "It should be better" - I should never say or think, "It should have been better" - I should not say or think, "It will get better" - instead I should say and think, "It can get better" - and then I should work at it by acting 'in this moment' with an eye to the future.

By focusing on 'now' with an eye to the future, and accepting 'Whatever Is', I am softening the pain of reality; I am working on that which is potentially controllable and turning away from that which is potentially disheartening; I am letting go and moving on; I am minimizing the reality of illusion, thus maximizing effort toward uninhibited truthfulness.

Some may still argue that what I define as illusion, could or should be defined as reality. And if an indvidual truly perceives their reality as 'Lollipops and Rainbows' it will not matter the number or intensity of examples given, pain will remain either beneath the surface and a non-factor, or bloated-lifeless-drowned and non-existent.

As previously stated (twice), when given the choice we will say we prefer truthfulness, yet many of us act in a way that refutes our verbal/conscious choice. Actions speak louder than words. I will continue to seek uninhibited truthfulness and find a way to thrive in the midst of the pain (and periodic joys) of reality.

To think I have a choice in this matter, is to delude myself.