hopelesshappiness.com

To endeavor to look everywhere, at all possibility, is to look nowhere. Therefore I cannot pick a direction, I must first imagine or learn or be set upon a direction then personally define said direction and then convince myself that I chose it from limitless possibilities. This is Purpose as argued from the false premise that my choices are limitless or (at least) vast.

After six-plus decades, I have found that the truth is - I am wandering, at the mercy of everywhere and nowhere, and everything and nothing. Course adjustments are once again my imagination redefining and justifying a new no-direction after the fact. So essentially either I have no purpose or (at the very least) my purpose (as purpose) is so watered down by reality it is virtually meaningless.

Does this, (should this), invoke despair? And if so, a quiet despair? Or one that is loud and defiant? Or one that is submissive? In me, it does - I don't know if it should, but it definitely does; a despair that is mostly quietly defiant. My despair is my own. I work to share my defiance, (sometimes anger), by occasionally flinging it at those who are blissfully ignorant of their own despair; those who are drowning in their own certainty and comfort. I've not figured out how to break through their fortifications but unless I am able to get through to all of them at once, my defiance and anger is irrelevant - to everyone but me. As time goes by, I find I am leaning more and more heavily on my own quiet despair - and my imagination. To realize that wherewithal (i.e. capacity, competence, intelligence, skill, strength, talent, understanding), is in actuality imagination (I am finding) does not necessarily discourage my effort but has instead added a degree of whimsical curiosity and thus meaning to how and where I might go on this ebb and flow of everywhere / nowhere / everything / nothing.

Even if wherewithal is imagination and purpose is delusion, I believe by accepting these realities I can still find a path on which my capacity, competence, intelligence, skill, strength, talent, and understanding might make a difference and perhaps on occasion actually do some Good. Furthermore, on this path, in my given direction, knowing that accomplishments and failures are largely interpreted and defined by delusion and imagination frees me to move on more quickly, expending less effort on glory and/or regret; my unencumbered effort has become my purpose, not as the reason for my existence - merely as personally inspirational meaning.

It takes an appreciable amount of compassionate intelligence to acknowledge that a rationalization is dependent upon its foundation and supporting structure and thereby is not necessarily fact or truth. If one accepts the premise of wealth as foundation and power as supporting structure then often a rationalization comes across to another (especially one standing outside of the structure) as a manipulative ploy or an outright lie that comes nowhere close to reality. If one accepts the premise of compassionate intelligence as foundation and all of Humanity as supporting structure then often a rationalization (as reason) comes across to another (especially one within a consensus power structure) as adversarial no matter how well it reflects reality. If one looks down upon these structures from a birds eye view, one will see the wealth/power structure nested inside the compassion/Humanity structure, and like nesting eggs, inside the largest wealth/power structure are an innumerable number of smaller and smaller wealth/power structures. From a wealth/power structure, it is easier to look out and pay lip service to all of Humanity than it is to dig deep and practice compassionate intelligence. Looking closely at each framework of power there are many individuals hanging on for dear life, with no stabilizing tether to the foundation; and when one falls from their precarious perch, they may choose to crawl inward and begin climbing a smaller power structure or they may be banished to the outside. Those within a framework of power with solid roots in a foundation of wealth could choose to dig deeper in search of compassionate intelligence but more often are unwilling, choosing to remain comfortable where they're at, realizing that the necessary excavation would disturb their roots. This is most true of those in the largest of the power structures, those closer to compassionate intelligence as foundation, those most equipped to make a difference.

The paragraph below is from “The Grapes of Wrath” written by John Steinbeck and originally published April 14, 1939:

“And it came about that owners no longer worked on their farms. They farmed on paper; and they forgot the land, the smell, the feel of it, and remembered only that they owned it, remembered only what they gained and lost by it. And some of the farms grew so large that one man could not even conceive of them any more, so large that it took batteries of bookkeepers to keep track of interest and gain and loss; chemists to test the soil, to replenish; straw bosses to see that the stooping men were moving along the rows as swiftly as the material of their bodies could stand. Then such a farmer really became a storekeeper, and kept a store. He paid the men, and sold them food, and took the money back. And after a while he did not pay the men at all, and saved bookkeeping. These farms gave food on credit. A man might work and feed himself; and when the work was done, he might find that he owed money to the company. And the owners not only did not work the farms any more, many of them had never seen the farms they owned.”

This passage reminds me that property ownership is simultaneously an imaginary man-made construct and a practical reality. Property ownership (if and when it comes about) is a temporary gift that should be nourished with respect and hard work. This is personally relevant as this week I am considering making an offer to buy a house. It is an old house (built in 1836) with much history and character. It needs work. I believe the hands-on effort this house would require will help me to stay connected, but still, as a lifelong renter who with every chance rails against property ownership, its underlying mechanisms and its consequent divisiveness, I am hesitant. In 1754, Jean-Jacques Rousseau wrote:

"The first person who, having enclosed a plot of land, took it into his head to say 'this is mine' and found people simple enough to believe him, was the true founder of civil society. What crimes, wars, murders, what miseries and horrors would the human race have been spared, had someone pulled up the stakes or filled in the ditch and cried out to his fellow men: 'Do not listen to this impostor. You are lost if you forget that the fruits of the earth belong to all and the earth to no one!'"

With all that said, I really like this house and the community. The house sits right across the street from a small college reminding me of the community I grew up in where I lived only four blocks from a similar small college. Walking through the campus, sledding its snow-covered hills, Saturday afternoon football games, all the students with plans and a purpose; as an elementary schooler it was my first introduction to the wider world. It feels appropriate that now 60 years later I might (in a sense) return to my childhood.

Though our search for a house started as an exercise in capitalism, this house has reminded me that I do not want to buy property as an investment; for the sake of owning property. Unfortunately though, because my whole life I have prioritized learning and growth and experience and (perhaps most damning) dreams over the attainment of wealth, I am likely unable to afford this house. We are hearing from the real estate agents that the owners may potentially be open to any offer, but the last thing I want to do is insult their parents’ legacy. Perhaps it may count for something that I am interested in taking care of not only their decades with the house but nearly 200 years of history and character. Perhaps it may count for something that I see this as a potential labor of love and as a possible legacy for who knows how many generations to come. Perhaps it may count for something that I am still dreaming…

“Karen” - entitled, excessively demanding, dismissive, privileged, angry.

This week I was confronted by a ‘Karen’ who had just backed a third car into her driveway, got out of her car, stood in her drive, watched my dog poop, then imperiously asked, “Do you need a bag for that?” In hindsight, I should have responded, “Do you need to sell one or two cars and take a bus?” I’m pretty sure Karen’s carbon footprint is larger than mine because I don’t drive and we only have one car and my wife is also my Uber driver. That said, her tantrum did motivate me to research and I found out she is right. I have suffered the delusion all these years that dog poop is natural fertilizer - it is not. Unfortunately, most people confronted by Karen, instead of researching in an effort to learn and grow, would dig in and fire back. And upon receiving that response, most ‘Karens’ would further fortify their entitled, demanding, dismissive, privileged, angry buffer and find further justification for their pretentious truculence. I believe I have just described the (lack of) communication on our political spectrum in this country. On the left are a very, very, very, very large number of Karens who prefer pretentiousness to progress; and on the right (led by pot-stirrers) are a very, very, very, very large number of trembling traditionalists who prefer reassurance to reality.

Oh, and btw Karen, I went home, got a bag, and went back and picked up my dog’s leavings, and I have since begun carrying pooch poop pouches with me wherever we go. Please know though that I am likely the exception. Your methods are not going to work on most of the people you address as lesser beings, and - oh yeah - you really should sell a couple of cars. Thank you for listening.

After months of compiling lists then listening to 60+ albums, here are my Top Forty:

1. Queen - Night at the Opera
2. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
3. Led Zeppelin - IV
4. Leonard Cohen - The Essential Leonard Cohen
5. Jimmy Buffett - You Had To Be There
6. Jethro Tull - Aqualung
7. Little Feat - Waiting For Columbus
8. Three Dog Night - Seven Separate Fools
9. Elton John - Madman Across the Water
10. Cat Stevens - Teaser and the Firecat
11. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
12. Johnny Cash - American IV
13. Soul Asylum - Let Your Dim Light Shine
14. The Who - Who's Greatest Hits 1983
15. Collective Soul - Collective Soul
16. Neville Brothers - Live on Planet Earth
17. Rusted Root - Live Disc 2
18. Creedence Clearwater Revival - Chronicle
19. Steve Earle - I Ain't Ever Satisfied
20. Tom Waits - The Early Years Vol. 1
21. Sonia Dada - Sonia Dada
22. The Eagles - Greatest Hits
23. Lynyrd Skynyrd - Pronounced
24. James McMurtry - Complicated Game
25. Old Crow Medicine Show - Old Crow Medicine Show
26. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - So Far
27. Tom Waits - The Heart of Saturday Night
28. The Clumsy Lovers - Smart Kid
29. Frente! - Marvin the Album
30. Rusted Root -Remember
31. Finn Brothers - Finn
32. Michael Franti - All Rebel Rockers
33. The Badlees - River Songs
34. Doobie Brothers - Best of the Doobies
35. Lyle Lovett - The Road to Ensenada
36. Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine
37. Supertramp - Breakfast in America
38. Jackson Browne - Running on Empty
39. Eric Clapton - Time Pieces
40. Moby - Play