This past week I was told, "You are inconsequential." This declaration was followed by further confirmative action, and though initially I was angry, it disturbed me. It created a nagging discomfiture. I believe it did so because each one of us is inadequate and inconsequential in some way(s), and I do not feel I should be rejected or belittled for my humanity. Because I am ordinary, or even unskilled, in a specific circumstance, merely means that I am unfortunate; it does not mean that another is superior, all-powerful, or more deserving.

We live in a culture of conformity. To be singled out as "meaningless" in any regard, in the context of our busy routine, is bound to enflame emotions. Perhaps, it should not. Instead, perhaps, it should encourage one to more actively seek circumstance that has more potential for interdependent productivity.

I suppose some may say that this "Perhaps" is a rather deterministic outlook; (in that productivity is necessary, and reason is necessary for maximal productivity, and to be singled out is likely to disrupt reason). Others may see it as mature and responsible. Because I am discomfitted by undue disdain, and because I see most scorn as nonproductive, and because I work hard, (though often fail), to administer truthfulness productively, I suppose my equitable outlook is rather deterministic. I can live with that. I am free to choose, and my choice may even influence an outcome; but it will never stand alone.

For every moment spent reflecting on one's own personal meaninglessness, there are surrounding mega-multiple moments spent (by others) oblivious to the one's self-pity. And in this sense---from this perspective---it feels like a ridiculous waste of effort to feel meaningless. This is not to say that effort should not be expended on actively seeking circumstance that has more potential for interdependent productivity. And it is not to say that one will not be tempted by the siren song of anger. This week's thought is meant to encourage more efficient productivity, and to temper my inclination toward prolonged, nonproductive anger, and to look very hard at my inclination toward quick anger, with some realistic perspective.

The four paragraphs above have been a mirror of this previous post from July 9. I acknowledge that I am more deterministic, and more faithful to productivity, in my practice of and reaction to praise; and I am more personally active, and (too) often disrupt productivity, in my reaction to rejection or disdain. I work hard to not practice rejection or disdain, but, (as acknowledged above), to temper my truthfulness so it is not mistaken for disdain is a challenge because I am quick to anger, overly-critical, slow to praise, and slow to let go.

One week I was praised. Another week I was rejected. One week I chose to be faithful to the necessity of productivity. Another week I chose to be emotional and I was derailed. So am I actually contrasting the productivity of determinism and the nonproductivity of free will? Interesting question. But I think not. I think it is more a contrast of the productivity and nonproductivity of (respectively) mind and ego; or reason and emotion; or compassion and condemnation; or Goodness and Pride; or justice and political power; or, (perhaps most accurately), us and me.

(Reminder: "Political Power" implies a disagreement followed by a struggle for power. In many cases, including this past week's personal inconsequentiality, the struggle is short-lived, sometimes to the point where the victor is not even aware a struggle took place.)

So for now, as difficult as it is, I must choose the productivity of mind, reason, compassion, Goodness, and us, and let go of justice; because those with the political power have chosen ego, emotion, condemnation, Pride, and NOT Us.

Mind you, I am choosing productivity. I am not choosing agreement, endorsement, or even the nonsensical concept of forgiveness; (nonsensical mainly because those with the political power are not only NOT asking for forgiveness, but also oblivious to its potential suitability to this occasion).

I can and I will be more productive by letting go. So now I must stop writing because I need both hands to pry the suctioned tentacles of anger from around my thoughts...