It is difficult to reconcile my humanity with my desire for perfection. I so badly want to be all things to all people, yet I invariably - consistently - let someone down. This disappointment then reverberates like seismic aftershocks varying in intensity and frequency, depending on the epicenter. And as in an actual earthquake the closer the epicenter is to home, the greater the intensity and frequency (as dictated by the original quake's strength). Yet to complicate matters (and to mix metaphors) times when I disappoint myself (which is as close to home as I can get) the original quake often seems calm like the eye of a hurricane, but I know to expect more intense aftershocks. I'd like to explore further. I'd like to understand.

I believe disappointment in oneself, to a point, contributes to learning and growth. Beyond a certain point it can morph into debilitating regret. I have a tendency to beat myself up pretty good in the immediate aftermath of personal mistakes, but as the years (and decades) have passed I have also learned to recognize that point where the beating must stop. The self-inflicted beatings though can be rekindled by others who may continue to beat on me verbally or emotionally. Regardless, I have always said and firmly believe that no one is any tougher on me than me. Yet if I decide it is time to move on (by objectively seeing my mistake as a lesson), but others continue to beat me up, I still wonder if (since it is happening) I don't somehow deserve it. This works on my confidence and (as previously stated) breathes new life into my self-inflicted beatings; and if this cycle continues it can lead to the aforementioned debilitating regret and/or shameful powerlessness.

This process can be seen most easily in bureaucratic settings such as the workplace where one's personnel file may be filled with warnings that in some (perhaps most) cases are simply a tool utilized to control and subjugate. The same can be said for other bureaucratic processes (essentially any that involve market currencies and/or an 'us and them') such as our systems of justice, finance, and government aid. Most of us, in varying ways and degrees, are slaves to some system; and by being so we often find it difficult-to-impossible to throw off the shackles and regain any confidence and/or power.

"You are bad because you were 10 minutes late. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were loitering on the sidewalk, blocking pedestrian traffic at 1am in a bad neighborhood. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were one day late paying your credit card bill. I have charged you a $25 late fee and you're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you are a single welfare Mom who can't afford day care in order to be a productive member of society making minimum wage flipping burgers or cleaning toilets. We will help you, but we are also going to watch you very, very closely. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were born to a single welfare Mom. We will help you, but we are also going to watch you very, very closely. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

No matter where you turn, there are beatings.

Some beatings are adjudged to be deserved:

"You are bad because you robbed a convenience store at gunpoint. You're lost in the system now and I will forget you."

Some beatings are not administered:

"You are bad because you committed fraud, but considering the cost and potential consequences of a beating, you may buy me off and if you promise not to do it again I will forget it ever happened."

And some beatings - particularly those administered by a system - go on far too long:

"You are human and you made a mistake. I will never let you forget."

My original response to this final accusation - "Who am I to say? Perhaps I do deserve the beatings..." But I (almost) immediately saw the 'in-the-moment' emotion and self-pity, so instead here is what I have to say - "PbbbthbbptthbbbpthPbbbt!"

I am human; and it is my humanity that not only allows me to make mistakes, but also allows me to move past them. I may not forget; especially when it hits close to home; most especially when I am disappointed in me. But I can decide when it is time to stop the beatings. The system cannot do that because the system is inhuman; and it is sad to note that this has apparently given many humans permission to follow suit. Some of us then blame it on the system and some glory in the power and control.

But back to my original objective - To better understand disappointment so I may harden or soften myself accordingly. Four weeks ago I made 11 seditious suggestions encouraging individual, independent action in an attempt to reduce / eliminate our herd mentality and enlarge / strengthen one's individual humanity. There is a parallel. As in the previous post where I encouraged knowing the difference between market currencies and human currencies, here we need to learn the difference between (1) systematized, bureaucratic beatings that by their nature cannot end, and (2) emotionally-driven, human beatings that by their nature are (at the beginning) exaggerated and gradually (sometimes rapidly) subside, allowing for learning and resurgent respect. We need to know the difference between human and inhuman.

I must harden myself when I am on the receiving end of a beating and reach within to know when its impact has become counterproductive.

I must soften myself when I administer beatings to others in order to see when the impact has become counterproductive. If I am administering a beating in the name of a system, I must soften myself in the same manner and ensure that the recipient sees the difference between our humanity and the inhumanity inherent in the system.

I must simultaneously harden and soften myself when administering self-inflicted beatings to maximize learning and minimize harm.

It can be so hard to move on when every direction you turn there is someone lurking in the shadows with a big stick. It overwhelms. Ultimately, when faced with this reality, our choices are very limited; but I believe the best choice is to harden myself, take my beatings, and keep moving forward in the active hope - (an active hope that must include work, human interaction, learning, growth, and exoteric goodness) - that I will be shown to a sunny place with fewer shadows.