A few times in these posts and pages I have included 'Purpose' along with 'Truth' and 'Wisdom' all as components of Happiness. More often I have not. I think this is because in some areas of my present-day empirical existence I feel under-utilized, at times close to the point of irrelevancy; a wandering footnote wending my way in and out of the way of others. It is not that I have no influence or bearing, because I do. But in terms of significant contributions, I have more to offer. Yet, no one is asking. And when offered, no one is answering.
Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have a disability and (though working full-time) am judged as less competent or consequential because of these documented (labeled) limitations. Some may discount this thought as unreasonable, self-pitying, or even paranoid, but I have recently returned to a work environment in which I previously had considerable impact; and now I am tucked away in a neat, defined, closely-guarded box. I have not lost knowledge, organizational skills, or reasoning abilities, yet, for whatever reason, I no longer have the authority to consistently maintain maximum output and productivity.
Though I stand by all I have said above, I also recognize that I am verbalizing 'my' perspective. I have no intention of seeking justice or even judging what justice should be, because I could be wrong. (Who am I to make that determination even if some would agree?) I realize that there are other credible perspectives, so I believe gratitude to be a more appropriate response (crutch?) than retribution disguised as justice. I am grateful for the opportunity that has been given, and I do not want to create an adversarial situation, or be construed as vindictive.
So what is the point? Ultimately, I guess I am attempting to make peace with this loss of relevancy. It is not in my nature to be accepting of disputatious circumstances; however this is an obstruction I have been trying to nudge along with diplomatic, uninhibited truthfulness for more than a year, but those in a position to, are not listening.
In previous posts I have touched on peace and tranquility. I have discussed the importance of uninhibited truthfulness, how acceptance is not acceptable, and how one can grow through adversity. I have indicated that I feel 'giving up' is not an option. Yet, despite being thoughtfully conscious of these previous thoughts (and more), in this set of circumstances, I am seriously considering throwing in the towel; (and by that I do not necessarily mean removing myself from the situation, but rather creating some distance that I am afraid may result in some apathy specific to this situation).
Throughout these posts and pages I have seldom included specific personal details. In this case, I feel I should include some to present a well-rounded, complete picture. My disability symptoms are degenerating. I have not driven a vehicle in nearly six years due to random vertigo and constant dizziness. I have to really focus in order to simply walk a straight line. Yet to prove (mostly to myself) that I am capable, for the past year I have typically worked 10 hour days (with lunch at my desk) and walked to and/or from work (3 miles one-way) daily. I cannot keep up this pace. Despite requirements calling for 'reasonable accommodation' I have set the bar high, and though with some 'reasonable accommodation' I could still make more significant contributions than what I am currently making. I have put myself in a quantity over quality position, and anything less (in terms of quantity) I strongly believe will be interpreted as less in terms of productivity. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue the quantity.
So perhaps they are right ... Maybe I am not capable ... At least from some perspectives and by some definitions. I do not want it to become an us/them situation. I'm okay with a me/them situation.
In 'this' previous post I proposed the following (potentially acceptable) definition of acceptance: biding one's time in a difficult situation, faithfully recognizing and acting on every opportunity, and thoughtfully creating opportunities, to perpetuate positive change. I have been unable, (to this point), to create many opportunities or generate an acceptable level of growth. Progress is slow to non-existent.
For some, the Purpose I serve is sufficient. Some would (perhaps justifiably so) maintain that the fact that I am serving any measurable, recognizable Purpose at all, should be sufficient; (especially as a disabled person - right?). But my standards are (unreasonably?) high. When (as is the case here) I have proven capability in the recent past, and I am currently capable of more significant contributions, then why shouldn't I strive for greater Purpose, just as I strive for greater Truth and Wisdom?
(New Thoughts) ...
Perhaps Purpose serves a different purpose. Perhaps it is meant to run counter to Truth and Wisdom. In other words, perhaps one is unable or less likely to stretch oneself if satisfied with empirical Purpose. As I think about it, this makes sense. If I were to have come back to this employer and been allowed to make more significant contributions (i.e. serve a greater empirical purpose) would the resultant satisfaction have thwarted my efforts toward Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness and inhibited Learning and Growth? Perhaps so ...
I believe Truth and Wisdom is to Happiness as (empirical) Purpose is to Satisfaction. I believe I have been confusing Satisfaction with Happiness. I believe Satisfaction distracts one from Happiness (Truth and Wisdom), though Satisfaction contributes to one's everyday (lower-case) happiness. I believe that maybe I owe my employer a 'thank you' for adversity that has created opportunity for personal growth. I believe this to be true in an empirical sense.
... And from a Transcendental perspective? If empirical Purpose refers to the impact made in terms of worldly considerations, then what is transcendental Purpose? I have previously identified inner peace and exoteric goodness as other-worldly considerations. I have went on to say that both of these considerations concern themselves with that which is 'beyond' those things of, from, or for this world; hence transcendental. So (for now) my thought has evolved into a separation of transcendental and empirical Purpose. References to Purpose in previous posts should be taken in context to determine if it is meant as empirical or transcendental.
I believe one's search for Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness encompasses transcendental Purpose, thus making the distinction redundant in practice, but potentially significant to one's inner calm. I am hopeful that my thoughts today will help with current circumstances by allowing me to refocus transcendental energies to compensate for this loss / lessening of empirical impact, thus contributing to inner peace.
To my Employer: Perhaps there are some credible reasons that I am not trusted as I once was. If it is only because I lost my place in line, then that is your loss and doesn't make good business sense. If it is because of my disability, then shame on you. If it is for another reason, then I'd like to understand.
Whatever the reason, if I were approached today and asked to contribute more I'm not sure that I would, and depending upon the definition of 'significant contribution' (without some 'reasonable accommodation') I'm not sure that I could.
To my Disability: For nearly six years you have been cantankerous, unpredictable, and hard to live with; (and I have family members that would say the same about me). Yet in the past six years I have learned much, in areas too numerous to list; but starting with humility and compassion. And I have closed the gap on Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness. I look forward to a continued, long, and mutually beneficial relationship. Thank You.
A final qualification - The predominant message (for me) from this week's thoughts is the contrasting balance of empirical and transcendental Purpose and the encouragement to compensate for the lessening of one with the strengthening of the other. One learns from personal experience interpreted, defined, and made manifest via thoughts, feelings, and actions. Adversity can augment Learning and Growth. The personal experience cited here is of secondary consideration and is utilized as a springboard for the aforementioned Learning and Growth. It is not intended to harm any individuals or organizations. My previous experience (of over 10 years) with this same employer was stellar.
Perhaps it simply shows that you really can't go home again ...