hopelesshappiness.com

Over the last six-and-a-half decades I have worked very hard to be a part of the world, to improve process, to play by the rules, to learn and grow, to do Good. I thought hard work would pay off and in its own way it has, but somewhere along my path I overlooked the dictate that said “It's all about my access to wealth and power.” More than once I could have had a little piece but instead (more than once) I opted to stand on principle and not sell out. I thought there was more. I thought the rules were just and I thought the rules applied to everyone. I thought the American Dream was attainable. I was wrong. I see now there is only wealth and power and the rules are malleable essentially only benefiting those with wealth and power.

So now, after six-and-a-half decades, I am sad. I feel I have been forced to retire because (just as I overlooked wealth and power) wealth and power overlooked me. I was forced to retire less comfortably than if I would have sold out somewhere along my way. And because the world has kicked me out, I must now figure out how to ignore the world, I must now figure out how to live my remaining years graciously - peacefully - gracefully; with less money. I have been wronged but I am sure no more so and likely less so than a majority of the people in this country; (and I realize this acknowledgement is not a very good start to ignoring the world).

To ease the financial discomfort, I have taken a part-time job. How else to ease discomfort and ignore the world? The following come to me as potential distractions:

• Cooking.
• Reading.
• Walking.
• Writing.
• Spectator sports.
• Netflix.
• Board games.

But as much as I enjoy the endeavors above, each one is loaded with sneaky (or not so sneaky) reminders that I missed the memo; (you know - the one about personal wealth and power).

On Cooking: My life philosophy, (that I should always work to improve and do better in and for the world), is strongly reflected in my cooking, reminding me that wealth and power have a different agenda.

On Reading: Of all the items listed, reading is perhaps the most brazenly obvious reminder of past, current and (potential) future misdeeds and injustice. Sure, I could avoid nonfiction (and of late I have more so than I should), but good fiction is often as glaring and in some examples more effectively so. That said, I will continue to read and thus (in this regard) fail in my efforts to ignore the world.

On Walking: Time for deeper reflection that can lead to anger, sadness and stormy thoughts and questions, but more often seems to provide calmer direction.

On Writing: Like walking, an opportunity for deeper reflection but with more conscious focus on resolution so it obviously must consider wealth and power.

On Spectator Sports: If I can stay on the surface and enjoy the competition for its own sake, then this is a nice place to hide. Unfortunately it is difficult for me to forget that where wins are currency, this is just another example of the rich getting richer; (see this previous post).

On Netflix: Action, adventure, and competition are my typical hiding places here, but (as in reading) I am often presented with real life; i.e. wealth and power performing misdeeds and practicing injustice.

On Board Games: Games of skill and strategy deal in the currency of wins and those in which luck is a greater factor I am reminded of the luck of being born on third base. Still, on the surface, games can be a temporary distraction.

Like a flat stone skipping across a body of water, I suppose the best strategy may be to skim the surface from one hidey-hole to another so as not to immerse myself too deeply into any one hair-pulling, head-scratching insinuation that good guys don't win and I should have prioritized differently. And perhaps within this approach I will be able to maintain the affability, the peace, the grace that is both expected and necessary.

As an amateur home cook I love the process of preparing and cooking a meal. It appeals to my sense of organization and (on the other end of the control / chaos spectrum) within each effort a number of mistakes are invariably made providing invaluable learning opportunities that also remind me that the only certainty in cooking (as in life) is uncertainty. And on the rare occasion when the stars and grains of salt accidentally align and all components work together to create a shared harmonious experience, I take a moment to enjoy the sights and sounds and smells and tastes and textures, then I remind myself that it is not my best effort …yet.

Definition: Command Performance - a recipe for which a taster has graciously acknowledged its potential.

Sure, I could follow a recipe exactly, each and every time, and potentially practice enough to where my efforts are nearly duplicated, and there are a select few command performances in which I (for the most part) do; but then I also think, where’s the fun or opportunity in that? So, often instead, before I begin I study the recipe, then look at notes I may have made from previous critiques, then I tweak it and/or (if it is not a command performance) make wholesale changes and/or note mistakes and anxiously anticipate the outcome. The result ranges anywhere from (sometimes) horrendous to (mostly) incremental to (on rare occasion) glorious. All that said, many of my frequent recipes are command performance works in progress, meaning I ask for (and listen to) criticism and from there I more consciously make incremental rather than wholesale changes.

Definition: Process - A systematic series of actions focused on an end result and with an eye towards improvement from effort to effort.

Definition: Preparation - Plan, gather, wash, rinse, scrub, drain, peel, chop, cut, slice, dice, mince, grate, shred, sift, knead, add, whisk, beat, stir, mix, fold, spoon, puree, layer, pour, scoop, scrape, grease, top, turn, rest, cool, chill, pickle…

Definition: Cooking - Preparation with the addition of heat; simmer, grill, smoke, bbq, boil, saute, toast, roast, reduce, warm, melt, fry, wilt, blanch, caramelize, soften, broil, steam, stew, baste, sear, poach, braise, bake…

The process starts with a single thought, typically a base thought like “I'm hungry” or perhaps a slightly more advanced thought like “for dinner tonight…” Once I move past instinct or need, preparation begins with a plan first in my mind, often followed closely by a perusal of my pantry, fridge, food stock and stores, and perhaps a trip to the garden or the grocery. Once resources are gathered and I have reviewed the recipe(s) and laid my hands on the first ingredient, the fun begins - I am now moving across the spectrum from preparation to execution and from control to chaos; and I will continue to move back and forth like a ship tossed about in a storm until I reach safe harbor at the dinner table to notate course corrections and adjustments for next time.

Definition: Skill - Competence strengthened with practice.

Definition: Talent - Natural ability or aptitude; opportunity to strengthen one's skill.

My smoked salmon is a wonderful example of this food preparation process. Declared by one in-law friend and family member (over 65 like me) as one of the top five things she has ever eaten in her life, I have to wonder - which version? Was it the time I brined it for 4 hours, cured it in the fridge for 2 hours, used a greater proportion of cherry wood to charcoal, left it on the smoker for 2 hours and 15 minutes, and let it rest in a warm oven for 45 minutes? Or was it the time I brined it for 5 hours, cured it for 3 hours, Used a lesser proportion of hickory wood to charcoal, left it on the smoker for 2 hours and 45 minutes, and brought it directly to the table? Was it the windy day with low humidity? Or was it the warm day with high humidity? And was it the 2.5 pound filet or the 3.25 pound filet? I promise you, each one was different and I suspect that in a room with ten tasters there would be disagreement as to which one might be worthy of a top 5 consideration. Even on the same filet the thinner portion will be a different experience than the thicker serving. Though skill and talent may play a small part, this all substantiates my belief that (especially for the home cook) good food is far, far more a result of planning and preparation on the control end of the spectrum and acknowledgement ahead of time that there will be a chaos end of the spectrum, and the more I practice the more I am also reminded that when my food sings, I am far, far more lucky than I am good or talented.

I am still struggling to move past one of the most disappointing episodes of my life: my employment at University of Missouri Columbia. In this moment I would call it the single most disappointing episode but I believe with distance that judgment may be tempered. Simply another case of ignorance and power pretentiously frustrating progress. Today that is the way of our world and I am saddened and angered and struggling to move past my personal example.

Over the past 6 years and 8 months I have worked very hard to make things better. I have failed. Final Score: Status Quo - 1, Me - 0.

Vision is a combination of:

• The act or power of anticipating that which will or may come to be, and
• Influencing circumstance to deliver (or move toward) a predetermined objective that aligns with bold possibility.

Leadership (regardless of style) is action driven by vision in pursuit of a consensus objective; (consensus may come about in a number of different ways). Toward the other end of the spectrum, to respond to a perceived urgency is a subservient reaction driven by noise and is not leadership regardless of who may follow.

That said, on occasion noise must be addressed. More often than not noise can and should be dismissed and/or ignored; or filed away for later attention. It is one thing to be distracted by an urgency and sidetracked from your vision. It is another thing to be entirely driven by perceived urgencies; and for someone entirely driven by perceived urgencies, someone with limited or no vision, occasionally urgencies are fabricated to justify direction.

The less encompassing the vision (to consider all possibility), the more shortsighted it becomes.

To take advantage of a leadership position to execute a personal vision in pursuit of an individually advantageous objective is also not leadership - it is selfish blind ignorance. And vision constrained by bureaucracy and/or fear though perhaps not perceived as an urgency is still a subservient reaction driven by noise.

Even when forewarned of imminent disruptive change, there are those incapable of taking action until the change occurs and urgency smacks them upside the head. An example of this is us regarding climate change; we have not yet been smacked upside the head - at least not hard enough. Sadly, I believe this is becoming our nature. It seems most of us don’t see the necessity of change, of improvement, until it forces itself upon us, and even then we still try to turn our heads away and pretend that we’re okay for another day, and another, and another, and another… Yet I see it (this necessity for change, this need to improve) regarding implicit and explicit bias, and I see it in education and healthcare and our politics, and I see it in the income and wealth gap, and I see it in childcare, and I (personally) see it in my workplace. I gave my notice to resign my position three weeks ago and there has been no effort to fill the coming gap; and granted, it may not be a large gap, I may be easily replaced, but if we cannot even respect such small-scale outgoing efforts and accomplishments when we have the opportunity for a little transition planning it is no surprise that we cannot see the bigger issues that our very survival insists that we address. For decades we have practiced NIMBY (not in my backyard) to maintain status-quo and it has apparently become so ingrained that we now insist our backyard has no need for change or improvement. And so, our backyards will continue to become smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller…