Happiness: Just Build a Bridge

Perhaps the choice is a more straightforward “lesser-of-two-evils” scenario than what most of us see. Perhaps the complexity is an invention to make us feel more important, or righteous, or altruistic. Perhaps it simply comes down to who one believes is more deserving of punishment: the pretentious, or the proud. To punish the pretentious, we side with / vote for the proud. To punish the proud, we side with / vote for the pretentious.

I suppose the complexity begins right there because many of the pretentious are certainly proud, and many of the proud are also pretentious; but I believe the differentiation will stand up to scrutiny. And I believe both are deserving of our ire.

It feels like the world, this world, today, should be capable of being fair; and lacking that, should be capable of remedying inequities. Yet justice today is a far-flung sprinkling of magical fairy dust randomly and unevenly touching a tiny portion of those in need. Far more prevalent and impactful is the ever-widening divide separating the fortunate few from the rest of us. And as the gap grows, it becomes more and more difficult to fling that fairy dust far enough.

The fortunate few on the other side of this rupture are made up of both the proud and the pretentious. The pretentious are flinging fairy dust as far and wide as they can, all while maintaining their position on the other side. The proud are targeting constituents, bombarding them with fairy dust propaganda and asking them to believe; all of this also from the other side. The pretentious point to their efforts and occasional lucky flings. The proud point to the efforts of the pretentious and instill fear and loathing amongst those untouched.

Those of us on this side are made up of those pretending to be pretentious, those who are proud and afraid, and those who are wandering randomly and/or aimlessly hoping to come across a fairy dust storm.

Build a damn bridge!

Build lots of damn bridges!

Damn It!

Yeah, I know. I am naïve. It can’t be that simple, right? Because it is complex, right? Made up of all these complexities and things and stuff. It is a process, right? I need to be patient, right? You’ve got this, right? You’ll save me, right? This from the pretentious.

The proud also say I am naïve. They say it is not that simple, then they advocate for simplistic. They say we need to go back to a simpler (meaning more simplistic) time when everyone knew their place, knew to stay there, and knew not to expect justice. They say it is the pretentious who are creating so many complexities and it is the fairy dust recipients who are taking from the more deserving proud. They say I should be proud.

Justice is defined differently by the proud than it is by the pretentious; and justice is doled out differently to the individuals on one side of the divide than it is to the individuals on the other side of the divide; and far more justice is rendered by the proud and the pretentious than by those pretending to be pretentious or by those who are proud and afraid or by those who are wandering randomly and/or aimlessly. Justice today is fairy dust and propaganda.

The pretentious and their constituencies can pat their selves on the back for some progress, yes. And the proud and their constituencies can cite some examples of injustice from justice, amen. But the truth of justice is that Justice as it should be, has never been.

We need bridges to span the gap. We need equal accessibility to the connective hopefulness these links provide. We need to come to an understanding that there is no divide; no difference between one side and the other; no bridges, only level staging and equal footing.

But we have to begin by building a bridge.

No fairy dust. No shouted propaganda. Just a damn bridge…

Just a damn bridge…

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Happiness: Strive, Fail, Suffer, Choose

I strive, I meet resistance, I give up.
…or…
I strive, I meet resistance, I persist.

I strive, I fail, I suffer.
…or…
I strive, I succeed, I strive.

I strive less, or more; I choose.

Then:
I strive, I fail, though I succeed.
…and…
I strive, unheard, from my given place.

When success is failure:
Externally,
I strive less, unheard, from my given place.
…or…
I strive more, unheard, from my given place.

When success is failure:
Internally,
I strive less, angry, from my given place.
…or…
I strive more, defiant, from no place.

Me:
I strive, I fail, I suffer, angry, then defiant, I choose…
…no place.

No place is as good as any place; and better than a given place. If I am both tangible and intangible, the tangible may have to settle in a given place, but the intangible is not thusly confined; though too often, I make it so.

I am both tangible and intangible.

I believe the above is a more accurate representation of reality than:
I strive, I succeed, I celebrate.
I celebrate, I strive, I succeed.
I succeed, I celebrate, I strive.

For some, delusion is reality.

For everyone, to strive is reality.

I believe,
…to fail is inevitable
…to suffer is inevitable
…to choose is a privilege
…to seek a place is natural
…to be assigned a place is inevitable
…to be angry is to understand reality
…to be defiant is more productive
…to succeed is momentary, fleeting, essentially inconsequential
…to celebrate is human
…to celebrate success is delusional.

What is success? How is its measurement established? By written doctrine? Rules? Laws? Custom? Expectations? Imaginary constructs? Is this process subjective? Regardless, once parameters are established, can success be measured objectively? By a numerical accounting of Wealth? Power? Effort? To measure objectively means I can look at a fact, (such as total worth or number of subordinates or number of children or number of wives or number of hours spent striving or number of new rules written down or number of rules enforced) and compare that fact to the facts of other individuals and/or to the pre-established parameters; and then simply rank or categorize the degree of success. Or can success only be determined subjectively? By Goodness? Justice? Adherence? Loyalty? To measure subjectively means I must first define the standard of measurement according to the pre-established parameters, realize that my standard (for example, for Goodness) will be defined differently than the definitions from so many others, recognize that from parameters to standards and back and forth I am creating layers upon layers of subjectivity; and then use personal judgement (influenced by so many factors) to assign a numerical value or score. And even after all this, we will not agree on a consistent definition of success. Success is perception. Success can be anything. This is why I believe, to succeed is momentary, fleeting, essentially inconsequential. This is why I believe, to celebrate success is delusional.

For me:
To succeed is to be heard
…and…
To succeed is to disagree
…and…
To succeed is to argue, rationally and respectfully

Celebration is a distraction

Yet failure is always there; solid; certain. I can always count on finding an insufficiency; a misstep; a deficit.

Failure drives.

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Navigating Happiness

I am Neurath's boat on the open sea, existing to stay afloat. There is no dry dock for extensive repairs; no port for rest or restoration. If I dismantle to excess, on the open sea I will sink. Structural renewal is labor-intensive and requires thoughtful planning; thus it is gradual. Most daily repairs or improvements are temporary, superficial, cosmetic. For any change, I rely on what I have on board, and the occasional random piece of driftwood. Fortunately, today, there is a significant amount of driftwood. Unfortunately today, much of it is so random it is of little use.

It is interesting that temporary, superficial, cosmetic changes are often more noticeable than profound, meaningful, structural renewal; interesting, but it makes sense. Even those who have known me for more than a few years are not aware of the ongoing, (sometimes frantic), evolution and transformation belowdecks. This is not only okay, but necessary to the process. External attention changes change.

Yet profound, meaningful structural renewal must ultimately influence operations as directed from the bridge, and over time others will notice this functional difference. These constant operational adjustments though are gradual and only peripherally connected to the continuing renovations belowdecks. These constant operational adjustments come from the more robust, fortified upgrades. As the influential flow coming from thriving structural renewal makes its way topside, I continue to find, (and as necessary and possible), revive, implant, nourish, energize, test and shape additional flotsam and jetsam to maintain and enhance forward progress.

When I look up from the bridge, I see a flotilla. So many individual vessels; moving at different speeds, in different directions; some floating – still – unmoving; some sinking slowly or alarmingly fast, in different depths. I have to keep moving; I have to keep working; I have to keep rebuilding, from the inside out. To maneuver in and around so many vessels, I also have to consider currents and wind for my sails and (when I am fortunate to have an engine), fuel for my engine. I also have to anticipate the maneuvering of other vessels. I also have to watch out for pirates, and think twice before lowering the anchor. I also have to be respectful, and at times, stay in my lane. And I also have to navigate, proceed, find my way, forward.

I am Neurath's boat on the open sea, existing to stay afloat.

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Happiness, out there

It is difficult to resign myself to the inevitability of irrevocable loss, fully feel irrevocable loss, and then put myself back out there to do it again. It is much easier to not feel; to numb the pain with platitudes, or apathy, or ignorance, or feigned ineptitude, or hopeful expectation. Each time I numb the pain of irrevocable loss, I suppress the potential for subsequent personal effort. Eventually, there will come a point in which instead of the inevitability of irrevocable loss, I have simply resigned myself to being numb.

I believe it is important to fully feel. Even when the loss is distant, impacting strangers, outsiders, itinerants, them, if I don’t feel, if I numb the pain, I will make little or no effort to improve circumstance, thus perpetuating loss; and because I am human, I am as vulnerable to this greater inevitability of loss as is the stranger. So when the loss is nearby, personal, if I have not practiced fully feeling loss, if I have not learned how to fully feel, I will either a) rely on platitudes, or apathy, or ignorance, or feigned ineptitude, or hopeful expectation, and I will resign myself to being numb, or b) I will not put myself back out there; I will become the loss; I will remain lost. I believe it better to acknowledge the inevitability of loss and know I am vulnerable, (rather than pretend I am invincible). I believe it better to feel distant loss so I am prepared for nearby loss. I believe it better to learn and put myself back out there to improve both myself and out there.

Is there anything in this existence that is not vulnerable; subject to lessening, dwindling, decline, death. Loss is natural; it happens unaided. But for me, as an existential being, to improve, to build up, to survive meaningfully, requires sustained personal effort, which I believe in turn requires fully feeling irrevocable loss. There are those who do not understand the intensity of my efforts to feel. I have much difficulty explaining face-to-face why I am sad or angry, why I am demanding and difficult, why I come across as mean and surly, why I continue to work so hard to do even the smallest things right and to do the right thing despite frequent failure, why I don’t just give up and become numb like so many others. I believe I explain it better when I bypass the tongue and filter the words through brain and heart and soul and mind to a coherently logical written explanation. When I express it verbally, my passionate intensity trips over my tongue, frequently falling on its face and/or floundering in its feculence.

I could numb myself to irrevocable loss more so than I do, but to do so would suppress personal intensity and learning and effort and potential to improve both myself and out there. I believe it is important to feel.

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Egg Salad Happiness

Like I've been sending egg salad!?

I was told, like “we've got to send something better; like at least a Monte Cristo, or a Muffuletta from Central Grocery in New Orleans, or no, wait, wait, wait, maybe a Smoked Gouda and Apple Butter on San Francisco Sourdough. Something to get their attention. Something that says I care about you, personally, like the cheese and the pickle care about the Ploughman.” Okay, so those weren't the exact words, in fact not at all close to the exact words, but it was something like, “what we've been doing isn't working, so we've got to do better.” Well I personally like egg salad, and even if it is kind of standardly generic (or maybe generically standard) I think it would be okay to send egg salad and I think it should probably be enough to just send egg salad, but I don't think I would exactly characterize my missives as egg salad anyway, and, and, yeah, no, I think like I've at least been sending a nice Cuban with premium pork shoulder, baby Swiss and deli ham, and why do they need all this fancy face food anyway when they should be making their own damn sandwiches.

This is my attempt at something more; trying to get your attention; trying to do better. I am writing this but I don't know if I will ever send it because I don't know if we really want to do better or if we just like talking about it, because if we really wanted to do better it seems we should be focusing on the segment of the population that really needs to do better instead of telling me I need to do something different and better to get them to do better; yeah; like it's my fault. And because our perspective already seems to be skewed I don't know if this missive will be received with good humor but seriously as a passionate plea for those who could do better to actually do better, or if it will be seen as an impertinent know-nothing hourly-paid commoner committing a fireable (or at the least an esteem-lowering) offense; and while we are encouraged to be creative and think outside the box, the only reason you are probably still reading this is because my creative is moving toward crazy and my outside the box is far enough outside the box that you have no idea what I might say next and if there is going to be a train wreck, you want a front row seat.

So, here's what I'm talking about: Evaluations; and the plethora of reminders I send trying to obtain those evaluations. That's right; but before you hang up, I'll say something unexpected so you'll stay with me. I am tired of sending you egg salad after grilled cheese after fried bologna after that nice Cuban only to have you (when and only when it suits you) reciprocate with half a peanut butter and jelly – with grape jelly!? And creamy peanut butter!? You know I like nuts! And for future reference, please start cutting off the crust.

Evaluations!

This personal plea is a proverbial straw specific to this moment (9/1/2020, 9:25pm); but regarding timeliness it is applicable to many, many evaluators and regarding quality I believe it is applicable to everyone; (always room for improvement, and all that, you know). Some numbers follow. In a little more than 14 months in this position I have sent out 1,823 evaluations to 270 different preceptors. Of those 1,823 evaluations I have had to send 3 or more reminders 676 times, 5 or more reminders 407 times, 7 or more reminders 260 times, and 10 or more reminders 119 times. I have sent a total of 5,211 reminders. Why? Why is it necessary to send that many reminders? And instead of focusing on how we can send ‘better' reminders, why don't we focus on accountability? Why don't we work with the 171 preceptors who have needed 3 or more reminders? Or the 108 who have needed 5 or more? Or the 68 who have needed 7 or more. Or even just the 40 who have needed 10 or more? I would even consider it progress if we communicated with the 1 preceptor who has opted out of all 18 evaluations sent to them in the last academic year. But when it comes to the quality and timeliness of evaluations, there is no communication or feedback. There is no evaluation of the evaluators. There is no recognition of responsibility. There is no accountability. Why?

In recent years I have prided myself on not taking work home with me. These past two weeks I am not proud. I estimate in this time having lost 5 hours 7 minutes and 21 seconds of sleep. Not a lot, but still… As I write these words it is 10:05pm. Do you know how many times I have seen 10pm in the last year? Not very many. I am losing sleep. All because we are nearly eight weeks out on four students' grades and you won't make me half a damn sandwich!

I apologize. I know this is not about me and I should not take it personally. It is up to me if I choose to lose sleep. I don't want to be angry. I know you have many demands on your time, and I am confident that you are not working to purposefully punish the students, but honestly, that's who it's about; they are the ones who suffer. I know; I hear from them. I believe timely feedback may be even more important than quality feedback; though whenever possible, I believe it is important to have both. The ingredients were purchased during the student's rotation; all the ingredients for all kinds of different sandwiches. If you wait too long to make the sandwich, it will be old and stale; and if you wait too long to make the sandwich, all you will find is grape jelly and creamy peanut butter, and maybe only enough for half a sandwich.

Recently I have been privileged to do some work on the side for the Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education. In this capacity, researching and writing, I have found widespread agreement that without assessment and feedback (i.e. Evaluations), the learning loop is not complete. According to the State of Missouri DESE Aspiring Level Participant Guide, (which exists for Aspiring Level school principals), there are three Leadership Competencies necessary for Instruction: 1) Viable Curriculum, 2) Effective Instructional Practice, and 3) Effective Assessment. In one study regarding assessment, Yin and Buck supply the connective tissue between these three competencies saying, “In establishing the coherence of the assessment system, the role of standards is important because when classroom instruction, formative assessment and summative accountability tests are aligned with the content and cognitive demands of curricular standards, teachers are more likely to develop a view of formative assessment and summative accountability testing as compatible rather than conflicting.” (Yin & Buck, 2018, p. 36). In other research, Faubert stresses the importance of quality assessment saying,

“Assessment is probably the most important factor in advancing or hindering equity in the classroom. Achievement gains associated with formative assessment “are among the largest ever reported for educational interventions” and have been found to improve equity in student outcomes by achieving general academic gains for all students (OECD, 2005, p. 2). To be clear, both summative and formative approaches have value and both are considered integral in the learning process. Success in the classroom requires that both summative and formative assessment be used in concert and practiced systematically. In addition, schools and school systems that are serious about reducing failure should focus on advancing student knowledge and building confidence through useful, systematic and detailed assessment in contrast to assessment summed as a single letter or number. The letter or number does not provide a student much in the way of guidance on how to improve for the next assessment.” (Faubert, 2012, p.11).

Regarding the importance of timely assessment, Cherasaro, Brodersen, Reale & Yanoski recommend that evaluators consider “ways to ensure that feedback is frequent, is timely, and includes specific suggestions to improve content and subject knowledge.” (Cherasaro et al., 2016, p. 11). And in another article, Bienstock, Katz, Cox, Hueppchen, Erickson, and Puscheck state that “Quality feedback is timely, specific to the situation, constructive, based on direct observation and nonjudgmental.” (Bienstock et al., 2007, p. 508). Granted, formative feedback given during the rotation is different than the summative feedback found on the final evaluation, but the required comments on the summative evaluation should reflect the formative feedback given throughout the rotation, which again underlines the importance of timeliness because without a complex system of recordkeeping, how can a preceptor remember the formative feedback given a student more than eight weeks ago? And it is the comments (representing formative feedback) on the summative evaluation that are most important to many students because (if I understand correctly) the comments meaningfully impact the student’s search for residency programs, thus their entire future in a medical field. I could go on. Research overwhelmingly reports that without assessment and feedback (including final summative evaluations), the learning loop is not complete. And just as a whole sandwich, made with fresh, quality ingredients, is better than half-a-grape-jelly-smooth-peanut-butter sandwich on stale bread, complete effective assessment is better than plain old whenever-you-get-around-to-it assessment. And don’t forget to cut off the crust.

Please.

  • Aspiring Level Participant Guide. (2019). Missouri Leadership Development System. Retrieved from https://dese.mo.gov/sites/default/files/MLDSAspiringLevelGuide.pdf
  • Bienstock, J. L., Katz, N.T., Cox, S.M., Hueppchen, N., Erickson, S., and Puscheck, E. E. (2007). To the point: medical education reviews—providing feedback. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 196(6), 508-513. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ajog.2006.08.021.
  • Cherasaro, T. L., Brodersen, R. M., Reale, M. L., & Yanoski, D. C. (2016). Teachers’ responses to feedback from evaluators: What feedback characteristics matter? (REL 2017–190). Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Education, Institute of Education Sciences, National Center for Education Evaluation and Regional Assistance, Regional Educational Laboratory Central. Retrieved from http://ies.ed.gov/ncee/edlabs. Retrieved from: https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED570162.
  • Faubert, B. (2012), “A Literature Review of School Practices to Overcome School Failure”, OECD Education Working Papers, No. 68, OECD Publishing. http://dx.doi.org/10.1787/5k9flcwwv9tk-en
  • OECD (2005), “Formative assessment: Improving learning in secondary classrooms Policy Brief”, OECD Observer, http://www.oecd.org/dataoecd/19/31/35661078.pdf.
  • Yin, X., & Buck, G. (2019) Using a collaborative action research approach to negotiate an understanding of formative assessment in an era of accountability testing. Teaching and Teacher Education, 80, 27-38 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tate.2018.12.018.

So, no. I will put this out here in this long string of public weekly written thought for no one to read. I will not send it, I will not speak of It, I will not read it to anyone. I care; some say, far more than I should. I will not change; and I believe that if more of us cared as passionately as I care about justice and equity, perhaps we actually would do better. In this particular circumstance, I give up on others partially because no one has seriously asked for my input, making me believe that I should stay in my assigned lane; and partially because I do fear for my job; and partially because there has been no accountability for 14 months and the best predictor of the future is the past; but more so than anything because I discovered the current uptick in efforts (of those with power who should care about all evaluations) is being directed toward a specific segment of evaluations that are policed by an outside governing body. Because of this spotlight, we are more concerned with some evaluations that are four weeks out than with others that are eight weeks out. This makes me believe that

  • We care more about appearances than we do about accountability.
  • We care more about data and reports than we do about aligning curriculum, instruction and assessment.
  • We care more about status and power than we do about feedback frequency and timeliness.
  • We care more about expediency than we do about quality.
  • We care more about politics than we do about students.
  • We care more about production than we do about equity.
  • We care more about urgent than we do about important.

Why?

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