hopelesshappiness.com

It is difficult to resign myself to the inevitability of irrevocable loss, fully feel irrevocable loss, and then put myself back out there to do it again. It is much easier to not feel; to numb the pain with platitudes, or apathy, or ignorance, or feigned ineptitude, or hopeful expectation. Each time I numb the pain of irrevocable loss, I suppress the potential for subsequent personal effort. Eventually, there will come a point in which instead of the inevitability of irrevocable loss, I have simply resigned myself to being numb.

I believe it is important to fully feel. Even when the loss is distant, impacting strangers, outsiders, itinerants, them, if I don’t feel, if I numb the pain, I will make little or no effort to improve circumstance, thus perpetuating loss; and because I am human, I am as vulnerable to this greater inevitability of loss as is the stranger. So when the loss is nearby, personal, if I have not practiced fully feeling loss, if I have not learned how to fully feel, I will either a) rely on platitudes, or apathy, or ignorance, or feigned ineptitude, or hopeful expectation, and I will resign myself to being numb, or b) I will not put myself back out there; I will become the loss; I will remain lost. I believe it better to acknowledge the inevitability of loss and know I am vulnerable, (rather than pretend I am invincible). I believe it better to feel distant loss so I am prepared for nearby loss. I believe it better to learn and put myself back out there to improve both myself and out there.

Is there anything in this existence that is not vulnerable; subject to lessening, dwindling, decline, death. Loss is natural; it happens unaided. But for me, as an existential being, to improve, to build up, to survive meaningfully, requires sustained personal effort, which I believe in turn requires fully feeling irrevocable loss. There are those who do not understand the intensity of my efforts to feel. I have much difficulty explaining face-to-face why I am sad or angry, why I am demanding and difficult, why I come across as mean and surly, why I continue to work so hard to do even the smallest things right and to do the right thing despite frequent failure, why I don’t just give up and become numb like so many others. I believe I explain it better when I bypass the tongue and filter the words through brain and heart and soul and mind to a coherently logical written explanation. When I express it verbally, my passionate intensity trips over my tongue, frequently falling on its face and/or floundering in its feculence.

I could numb myself to irrevocable loss more so than I do, but to do so would suppress personal intensity and learning and effort and potential to improve both myself and out there. I believe it is important to feel.

Like I've been sending egg salad!?

I was told, like “we've got to send something better; like at least a Monte Cristo, or a Muffuletta from Central Grocery in New Orleans, or no, wait, wait, wait, maybe a Smoked Gouda and Apple Butter on San Francisco Sourdough. Something to get their attention. Something that says I care about you, personally, like the cheese and the pickle care about the Ploughman.” Okay, so those weren't the exact words, in fact not at all close to the exact words, but it was something like, “what we've been doing isn't working, so we've got to do better.” Well I personally like egg salad, and even if it is kind of standardly generic (or maybe generically standard) I think it would be okay to send egg salad and I think it should probably be enough to just send egg salad, but I don't think I would exactly characterize my missives as egg salad anyway, and, and, yeah, no, I think like I've at least been sending a nice Cuban with premium pork shoulder, baby Swiss and deli ham, and why do they need all this fancy face food anyway when they should be making their own damn sandwiches.

This is my attempt at something more; trying to get your attention; trying to do better. I am writing this but I don't know if I will ever send it because I don't know if we really want to do better or if we just like talking about it, because if we really wanted to do better it seems we should be focusing on the segment of the population that really needs to do better instead of telling me I need to do something different and better to get them to do better; yeah; like it's my fault. And because our perspective already seems to be skewed I don't know if this missive will be received with good humor but seriously as a passionate plea for those who could do better to actually do better, or if it will be seen as an impertinent know-nothing hourly-paid commoner committing a fireable (or at the least an esteem-lowering) offense; and while we are encouraged to be creative and think outside the box, the only reason you are probably still reading this is because my creative is moving toward crazy and my outside the box is far enough outside the box that you have no idea what I might say next and if there is going to be a train wreck, you want a front row seat.

So, here's what I'm talking about: Evaluations; and the plethora of reminders I send trying to obtain those evaluations. That's right; but before you hang up, I'll say something unexpected so you'll stay with me. I am tired of sending you egg salad after grilled cheese after fried bologna after that nice Cuban only to have you (when and only when it suits you) reciprocate with half a peanut butter and jelly – with grape jelly!? And creamy peanut butter!? You know I like nuts! And for future reference, please start cutting off the crust.

Evaluations!

This personal plea is a proverbial straw specific to this moment (9/1/2020, 9:25pm); but regarding timeliness it is applicable to many, many evaluators and regarding quality I believe it is applicable to everyone; (always room for improvement, and all that, you know). Some numbers follow. In a little more than 14 months in this position I have sent out 1,823 evaluations to 270 different preceptors. Of those 1,823 evaluations I have had to send 3 or more reminders 676 times, 5 or more reminders 407 times, 7 or more reminders 260 times, and 10 or more reminders 119 times. I have sent a total of 5,211 reminders. Why? Why is it necessary to send that many reminders? And instead of focusing on how we can send ‘better' reminders, why don't we focus on accountability? Why don't we work with the 171 preceptors who have needed 3 or more reminders? Or the 108 who have needed 5 or more? Or the 68 who have needed 7 or more. Or even just the 40 who have needed 10 or more? I would even consider it progress if we communicated with the 1 preceptor who has opted out of all 18 evaluations sent to them in the last academic year. But when it comes to the quality and timeliness of evaluations, there is no communication or feedback. There is no evaluation of the evaluators. There is no recognition of responsibility. There is no accountability. Why?

In recent years I have prided myself on not taking work home with me. These past two weeks I am not proud. I estimate in this time having lost 5 hours 7 minutes and 21 seconds of sleep. Not a lot, but still… As I write these words it is 10:05pm. Do you know how many times I have seen 10pm in the last year? Not very many. I am losing sleep. All because we are nearly eight weeks out on four students' grades and you won't make me half a damn sandwich!

I apologize. I know this is not about me and I should not take it personally. It is up to me if I choose to lose sleep. I don't want to be angry. I know you have many demands on your time, and I am confident that you are not working to purposefully punish the students, but honestly, that's who it's about; they are the ones who suffer. I know; I hear from them. I believe timely feedback may be even more important than quality feedback; though whenever possible, I believe it is important to have both. The ingredients were purchased during the student's rotation; all the ingredients for all kinds of different sandwiches. If you wait too long to make the sandwich, it will be old and stale; and if you wait too long to make the sandwich, all you will find is grape jelly and creamy peanut butter, and maybe only enough for half a sandwich.

Recently I have been privileged to do some work on the side for the Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education. In this capacity, researching and writing, I have found widespread agreement that without assessment and feedback (i.e. Evaluations), the learning loop is not complete. According to the State of Missouri DESE Aspiring Level Participant Guide, (which exists for Aspiring Level school principals), there are three Leadership Competencies necessary for Instruction: 1) Viable Curriculum, 2) Effective Instructional Practice, and 3) Effective Assessment. In one study regarding assessment, Yin and Buck supply the connective tissue between these three competencies saying, “In establishing the coherence of the assessment system, the role of standards is important because when classroom instruction, formative assessment and summative accountability tests are aligned with the content and cognitive demands of curricular standards, teachers are more likely to develop a view of formative assessment and summative accountability testing as compatible rather than conflicting.” (Yin & Buck, 2018, p. 36). In other research, Faubert stresses the importance of quality assessment saying,

“Assessment is probably the most important factor in advancing or hindering equity in the classroom. Achievement gains associated with formative assessment “are among the largest ever reported for educational interventions” and have been found to improve equity in student outcomes by achieving general academic gains for all students (OECD, 2005, p. 2). To be clear, both summative and formative approaches have value and both are considered integral in the learning process. Success in the classroom requires that both summative and formative assessment be used in concert and practiced systematically. In addition, schools and school systems that are serious about reducing failure should focus on advancing student knowledge and building confidence through useful, systematic and detailed assessment in contrast to assessment summed as a single letter or number. The letter or number does not provide a student much in the way of guidance on how to improve for the next assessment.” (Faubert, 2012, p.11).

Regarding the importance of timely assessment, Cherasaro, Brodersen, Reale & Yanoski recommend that evaluators consider “ways to ensure that feedback is frequent, is timely, and includes specific suggestions to improve content and subject knowledge.” (Cherasaro et al., 2016, p. 11). And in another article, Bienstock, Katz, Cox, Hueppchen, Erickson, and Puscheck state that “Quality feedback is timely, specific to the situation, constructive, based on direct observation and nonjudgmental.” (Bienstock et al., 2007, p. 508). Granted, formative feedback given during the rotation is different than the summative feedback found on the final evaluation, but the required comments on the summative evaluation should reflect the formative feedback given throughout the rotation, which again underlines the importance of timeliness because without a complex system of recordkeeping, how can a preceptor remember the formative feedback given a student more than eight weeks ago? And it is the comments (representing formative feedback) on the summative evaluation that are most important to many students because (if I understand correctly) the comments meaningfully impact the student’s search for residency programs, thus their entire future in a medical field. I could go on. Research overwhelmingly reports that without assessment and feedback (including final summative evaluations), the learning loop is not complete. And just as a whole sandwich, made with fresh, quality ingredients, is better than half-a-grape-jelly-smooth-peanut-butter sandwich on stale bread, complete effective assessment is better than plain old whenever-you-get-around-to-it assessment. And don’t forget to cut off the crust.

Please.

• Aspiring Level Participant Guide. (2019). Missouri Leadership Development System. Retrieved from https://dese.mo.gov/sites/default/files/MLDSAspiringLevelGuide.pdf
• Bienstock, J. L., Katz, N.T., Cox, S.M., Hueppchen, N., Erickson, S., and Puscheck, E. E. (2007). To the point: medical education reviews—providing feedback. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 196(6), 508-513. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ajog.2006.08.021.
• Cherasaro, T. L., Brodersen, R. M., Reale, M. L., & Yanoski, D. C. (2016). Teachers’ responses to feedback from evaluators: What feedback characteristics matter? (REL 2017–190). Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Education, Institute of Education Sciences, National Center for Education Evaluation and Regional Assistance, Regional Educational Laboratory Central. Retrieved from http://ies.ed.gov/ncee/edlabs. Retrieved from: https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED570162.
• Faubert, B. (2012), “A Literature Review of School Practices to Overcome School Failure”, OECD Education Working Papers, No. 68, OECD Publishing. http://dx.doi.org/10.1787/5k9flcwwv9tk-en
• OECD (2005), “Formative assessment: Improving learning in secondary classrooms Policy Brief”, OECD Observer, http://www.oecd.org/dataoecd/19/31/35661078.pdf.
• Yin, X., & Buck, G. (2019) Using a collaborative action research approach to negotiate an understanding of formative assessment in an era of accountability testing. Teaching and Teacher Education, 80, 27-38 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tate.2018.12.018.

So, no. I will put this out here in this long string of public weekly written thought for no one to read. I will not send it, I will not speak of It, I will not read it to anyone. I care; some say, far more than I should. I will not change; and I believe that if more of us cared as passionately as I care about justice and equity, perhaps we actually would do better. In this particular circumstance, I give up on others partially because no one has seriously asked for my input, making me believe that I should stay in my assigned lane; and partially because I do fear for my job; and partially because there has been no accountability for 14 months and the best predictor of the future is the past; but more so than anything because I discovered the current uptick in efforts (of those with power who should care about all evaluations) is being directed toward a specific segment of evaluations that are policed by an outside governing body. Because of this spotlight, we are more concerned with some evaluations that are four weeks out than with others that are eight weeks out. This makes me believe that

• We care more about appearances than we do about accountability.
• We care more about data and reports than we do about aligning curriculum, instruction and assessment.
• We care more about status and power than we do about feedback frequency and timeliness.
• We care more about expediency than we do about quality.
• We care more about politics than we do about students.
• We care more about production than we do about equity.
• We care more about urgent than we do about important.

Why?

“In the remote depths, in the most inward parts, in the hidden recesses of happiness, there dwells also the anxious dread which is despair.” —Sorën Kierkegaard.

I am born, I live, I die. If I am no more than a chunk of meat bipedaling my way back to earth and dust, then what is the point? Alternatively, if I am a being diffuse with light in a world of shadows, radiating steadfastly toward a shadowless light, again, I have to ask, what is the point?

Bipedaling, I am the means and the end. I am left to make choices based on personal values. I am privileged and cursed to carry my accomplishments and my mistakes back to earth; back to dust; with perhaps remnants of a few accomplishments and a few mistakes left behind.

Radiating, I am the means, but to what end? Some vague notion of a better place. Shadowless light. A place where I can glory in Goodness. Mistakes forgotten; or overlooked. Living in this existence, only to reach the next. Remnants still left behind.

If I believe that I am a chunk of meat, I believe I am more likely to work toward accomplishment and veer away from mistakes, whereas if I believe I am diffuse light I believe I am more likely to believe wrongdoing will be understood and I will (regardless) reach exclusive Goodness and I am likely to incorporate less thought and less reason into my work.

So if I go about my day as if I am merely a chunk of meat, still (if I desire) allowing for a faith-based belief in a better place, I believe I will accomplish more of, in and for this world than I will if I otherwise busy myself (even part time) with rhetorical, discordant piety. This is true most especially if I believe that within the possibility of shadowless light, I will ultimately face a judgement. And this is of course contingent upon acknowledgement that all of Humanity is one.

So, for me, whether I am a chunk of meat or diffuse light, the point is to work to accomplish goodness in this existence, with the underlying requirement that I go about it reasonably and efficiently.

I have to make the first choice first: Do I work? Or do I believe?

To attempt to further a cause or to convince others of a belief, is less likely to be work because it is not efficient and often not reasonable or productive. To believe in the superiority or inferiority of certain segments or factions of Humanity, is never work because it is not reasonable or productive and often not efficient. To allegedly ‘work’ for a cause or to divide Humanity is to choose to believe.

There are some, (perhaps many, perhaps most), who are quiescent believers, opting to believe according to immediate circumstance and allowing for convenient agreement to placate and preserve. Yes, at times it is necessary to placate and preserve; (far more often than I would like). But for this practice to become comfort-seeking habit, for one to purposely insert their self into such circumstance, is not work because it is unreasonable, inefficient and nonproductive.

Political affiliation can be such a circumstance. Organized religion can be such a circumstance. Fervid populism can be such a circumstance. It is easier to believe and to allow a group to think and act for me, than it is for me to think and act for myself.

Danish philosopher and devout Christian, Sorën Kierkegaard, who practiced an active living faith, said, “the earnest understanding is that if death is night then life is day, that if no work can be done at night then work can be done during the day; and the terse but telling cry of earnestness, like death's terse cry, is: This very day.” Not tomorrow; not in or for an afterlife; “This very day.”

I am a chunk of meat; with personal values; and choices to make.

Eternity: “infinite (unlimited or unmeasurable) time; duration without beginning or end.”

Is eternity important? Or is it merely a talking point? A distraction to make us feel better about all things temporal. An unprovable feature of our belief that I am important and we are the reason. I try to wrap my head around ‘eternity’ and come away blown away. How is it possible? How can something be both endless and beginningless? And if there is no beginning or end, am I moving outward or inward? Expanding or contracting? Exploding or imploding? Is it possible to not move at all? Are there still three dimensions? Two? Five? Is it possible to have zero dimensions? Is it still tangible? Can I touch it? Can it touch me? Do I lose consciousness? Am I pure ego? Or a mental construct? Or just feeling? Or extreme emotion? Will I discover the spirit? The soul? Is there a difference between the two? Will I find that there is no spirit? Or there is no soul? Or perhaps we are all one? And if I find I am not an individual spirit or soul, will I comprehend what I have unfound? Blown away.

Endless.

Beginningless.

Insubstantial?

Nothingness?

Meaningless?

I believe this is why some, (perhaps many), who ponder eternity, see it as a continuation; perhaps a giant banquet table in a giant banquet hall filled with past and present family and friends and acquaintances all playing a giant game of remember when; or simply loved ones waiting on the other shore; or all those virgins. I am far, far away from expertise, but in my limited knowledge I don't believe that these imaginings are consistent with the definition, scriptural depictions or scholarly interpretations of eternity. My desire for eternity though is attached to this temporal existence so I am naturally inclined to ascribe features of this existence to a next. It takes effort to seriously consider the possibilities contained in all the questions above.

I live a life in which I am hard pressed to find this moment. Each moment slips by into the past as it anticipates the future moment already coming. St. Augustine observed “if the present were always present and did not go by into the past, it would not be time at all, but eternity.” That observation (to me) is pretty brilliant. In this context of an ever-present present, to reconcile my desire for eternity with my place here, now, (which is a different place in each here and in each now), becomes exponentially difficult. What do I wish for in an eternity where there is no anticipation? No recall? I will be there. And only there. One here. One now. One place. For all eternity. If I have a choice, I can understand no choice but to be within my self in that place. In my idea of my body? In my heart? In my mind? In my spirit? In my soul? In all and everything at once? If there is no recall, and no anticipation, perhaps this is peace. Is this the Buddhist aspiration? Is peace synonymous with meaninglessness? If not, how is it different? If so, is this okay?

Blown away.

To have faith in a concept of eternity consistent with this temporal existence is necessary for some. I think I get it and I don't want to take that away unless that faith interferes with Goodness, impedes progress or overtly contributes to divisiveness in this temporal existence. If one wants to believe eternity will include connection with this temporal existence, and especially if one believes there is a judgement to be faced, then it feels logical that in this existence one should strive to do Good and advance Humanity, (save Humanity), by working together. Yet here we are.

I had a documented beginning. I personally recall events from nearly sixty years ago that have grounded me in that beginning. One day I will die. My beginning. My end. Temporal. As this moment slips into the past and I anticipate the next moment, I allow eternity to slip through my fingers. Even if I stretch a moment with stillness and perceived peace, I am only privileged with a narrow, tiny glimpse of one of an infinite number of possibilities. Movement continues all around me. Regardless of efforts toward stillness and peace, I cannot help but to continue as well. In this Life, to know eternity is not possible. In this temporal existence, I am not just a spirit, or a soul, or a heart or mind or body. In this temporal existence, I am all of these things or I am none of these things. In this temporal existence, I am everything and I am nothing. In this temporal existence, I am flow.

Compromise: “to make vulnerable to danger, suspicion, scandal, etc.; jeopardize.” Published synonyms include: “weaken, discredit; expose.”

How much do I compromise my personal autonomy with communal collaboration? I value my personal autonomy and I believe each one of us should protect and preserve it as much as is functionally possible. Yet even the smallest amount of exposure will have some influence on output; often before the fact, but if not before the fact, then after the fact in the form of feedback or judgement, critical or favorable, which in turn may (consciously or subconsciously) influence future personal output. In this sense, communal collaboration is restrictive. Yet communal collaboration, interdependence, synergy is necessary for significant communal progress. So, perhaps the question is not only how much, but also when? Perhaps I must first work to mitigate influence, and then determine opportunity and share, and then assess the feedback and reactions, and then again work to mitigate influence. So, in this circular process, I must share; or, I can circumvent the process and choose to suppress. As I examine this thought, I realize that at different levels for different circumstance, I have been consistently choosing to suppress.

There are different levels of self-suppression:

1. Quiescent Proximity – I will get as close to comfort as I am allowed, hunker down, and stay there until I am noticed and forced to move.
2. Angry Indignation – I am aware. I have a sense of reality. I recognize that of the entirety who practice quiescent proximity, a select few are allowed to hoard comfort and protect their places closest to that center. The majority continue to be pushed further and further away, but because I am angry and indignant, if I speak up I am condescended to, (by those in power, close to the center), and made to feel like a small child; or an idiot. So I choose to stay quiet. This characteristic, (angry indignation), in a large group perpetuates divisiveness which in turn impedes progress.
3. Uncertainty – I am aware. I have a sense of reality. I am an active learner seeking answers, but because I am not an expert in a given area, I am hesitant to verbalize thoughts or opinions. I am certain that wealth could be shared and those further and further away from comfort could be moved closer. I am fairly certain that for most, angry indignation could be used as a springboard to uncertainty and from there to an agreement on the necessity of expertise and from there to an ability to differentiate between the expert and the politician and from there to perhaps some actual significant communal progress. But I am uncertain how to pull the very large majority of us from quiescent proximity. So I choose to stay quiet. This characteristic, (uncertainty), in a large group perpetuates status quo which in turn impedes progress.

I don't have the answers, so I shut up. By their nature, a politician, (i.e. one who struggles for power), claims to have the answers and cannot shut up. Looking at results and evidence, politicians don’t have the answers. An administrator, (i.e. one who delivers positive results despite hardship or difficulty), accepts that they do not have the answers and looks for and to those (many) individuals who may each have a specific answer for a specific question. An administrator accepts that change is necessary and not comfortable. An administrator understands that angry indignation is counterproductive. An administrator is an active learner seeking answers. An administrator understands that politicians are counterproductive. Though still uncertain, an administrator finds a way to express their self through organization driving progress.

It is sad that today, to have a chance to be an administrator one must first overcome politics. Yet to overcome politics requires one to become a politician. And to become a politician greatly reduces the likelihood of effective administration. Thus, the aforementioned results and evidence; not only in our ‘hallowed’ halls of government, but everywhere there is a bad or ineffective or mediocre boss.

So perhaps the ultimate question is not how much or when, but how do I compromise my personal autonomy in the context of communal collaboration? And perhaps the answer is, administratively. Exposure is bound to happen. And with exposure comes vulnerability. And with vulnerability comes a fear of being hurt. And with this fear comes a reluctance. And if I am reluctant, I will likely remain quiet, but I can still accept that change is necessary and not comfortable. And I can still understand that angry indignation is counterproductive. And I can still be an active learner seeking answers. And I can still understand that politicians are counterproductive. And I can still seek and perhaps on occasion find a way to express my self through organization driving progress. And perhaps organization will have more success mitigating influence and protecting personal autonomy than do angry indignation or quiescent proximity. And perhaps instead of seeking opportunity to determine when, I should simply share; administratively. And if there is no immediate feedback or reaction, I must believe that ultimately there will be; because I am exposed. So I must continue to work administratively in order to mitigate influence, preserve personal autonomy, maintain integrity, and continue cycling active hope.