hopelesshappiness.com

Our president has always struggled some with spelling, but this week it is worse; his translation skills have been turned inside out. Here we are in the middle of a pandemic, an issue that should be first in our thoughts and efforts, a circumstance currently worsening by the hour, with a government full of non-responders, and predictably and consistently Trump has taken this crisis, misinterpreted it, and put it in the back seat – no, he has booted it out of the car – to make room for his full-blown dem panic. Not only is our president panicked by the inevitability of a democrat in the White House, on a deeper level, (for him, likely subconscious), he is panicked by the possibility of an actual democracy working for justice and progress. I could point out the continued complexities our new administration will face in the form of a hostile, politicized justice system (the Supreme Court, federal courts and many state courts), and the ongoing unavoidable divisiveness in our legislative branch, thus making our election efforts likely and barely only a baby step toward any real justice or progress; but even if he could understand this, he is too busy crying to actually allow it to soothe his hurt feelings. Regardless, think of the progress we might see if we could take this effort being wasted on this presidential dem panic and expend it instead on the pandemic.

As a buyer I define myself. As a consumer I undermine myself. As a seller I refine myself. To buy is also to dream. To consume is also to waste. To sell is also to polish, purify, purge; a sleight of hand, some misdirection to distract the potential buyer, (i.e. future consumer), from the sludge that inevitably follows consumption.

Nutrition is an important part of consumption. The less nutrition, the more sludge. To efficiently sustain, strengthen and grow one’s body, one’s heart, one’s mind, one’s soul or spirit, requires more nourishment, less sludge. Today, in this country, I am being force fed at a trough filled with future sludge. It may look tasty, it may smell tasty, it may taste tasty, but in the end it results in very little nourishment and the excretion of a great deal of sludge.

Even when I have a choice, I find it difficult to stop feeding.

On my morning walks I write about nourishment and necessary nutrients, and on the weekends I visit grocers and book sellers to define myself and I think and I study on how to make the world a better place, and in these times I work at my dream and I believe in my dream. But each day I still turn to news feeds and angry pundits and divisive rhetoric and Netflix, and each day I am force fed injustice and bureaucracy, and I slop it all up. Then when given the opportunity, I talk to others about the food I am cooking and the books I am reading and the big picture and saving the world, and I pretend I am above the fray. Buyer. Consumer. Seller.

I buy rice and fish. I consume beer and potato chips. I sell glitter and pretense.

As a consumer, whether for my body, my heart, my mind, my soul, there will always be waste. When I feed on rice and fish, I will enhance health and well-being and I will produce less sludge. When I feed on beer and potato chips, I will create a potential to be undernourished and unhealthy and I will produce copious amounts of sludge. When I feed on glitter and pretense, I excrete ragged, sharp, shiny sludge.

So why do I buy glitter and pretense? Why do I sell glitter and pretense? Am I better off with beer and potato chips? Why is it so difficult to maintain a steady diet of rice and fish? Is it because those in power force feed me glitter and pretense and encourage the sluggish under-nourishment of beer and potato chips? Is it because I am human? Weak and frail? Is it because my personal identity has been consumed by my social identity? And perhaps my social identity has been commandeered by an even larger, more powerful political identity?

I can't help but to dream and hope and believe and buy and sell. At times my consumption is more efficient, consistent with my dream. But because to consume is also to waste and because (for whatever reasons) I buy and enjoy beer and potato chips and glitter and pretense, I am also inefficient and disappointed. Some days I consider giving up rice and fish and glitter and pretense to simply wallow in the glory of beer and potato chips believing it would be more honest and more consistent with results. But (for whatever reasons) I can't help but to dream and hope and believe and buy and sell.

As a buyer I define myself. As a consumer I undermine myself. As a seller I refine myself.

I am worn out. Frazzled. Slick. What have we learned? Anything? Perhaps we have learned that it is not nearly so simple as us vs. them. Perhaps we have learned that it is a multilayered entanglement of factors including acknowledging fear and past or future focus and wealth and power and ego and education and perceived entitlement and urgent intensity and empathy.

If I laid out each of these nine factors as a spectrum with a lower end and an upper end, I believe that the mish-mash mix-up of where an individual falls on each spectrum might provide a clue to their political leanings in this nation's ridiculous division of only two political choices. But I don’t believe that one could objectively determine where an individual falls.

We are all afraid; though many will not admit to being afraid, nor do many of us recognize or acknowledge the manifestation of our fear.

The past is misremembered. The future is uncertain; unknown.

Wealth is a continuum from zero to billions.

Power is directly related to wealth but also influenced by belief and perspective, perhaps moreso than I thought.

Ego is directly related to power but also influenced by the entanglement of the multilayered entanglement of factors.

Education is one part what we have learned (and/or what we think we know), and one part how we have learned (and how we continue to learn). Does it make sense that those with a focus on the past emphasize what and those with a focus on the future emphasize how? Does it make sense that those who are also on the lower end of wealth and power simply do not have the resources (including time) to focus their continued learning in a way that will enable personal progress? Does it make sense that this lack of resources is a consequence (intended or not) benefiting those on the upper end of wealth and power?

Perceived entitlement is a continuum from – each and every individual is as necessary as each and every other individual -to- I am the sun and each and every other individual revolves around me. I believe that as a human it is essentially impossible to act purely from one extreme or the other.

Urgent intensity is a personal intense sense of urgency in which the ultimate objective is unidentifiable, just out of sight and just out of reach, and surrounded by an aura of blurred, semi-recognizable aspirations (still often just out of reach) such as health and wellbeing and opportunity and comfort and security and justice. Those who find or believe these pursuits to be clear and readily attainable are less likely to exhibit any formulation of urgent intensity.

Empathy is urgent intensity as an intense sense of urgency ascribed beyond oneself to others, in a continuum from a significant other or very close family and friends to all of humanity.

The challenge lies in the fact that we lie; not only to others but also to our self.

I am hesitant to admit to others just how afraid I am, and for the sake of my sanity I suppress and ignore that fear. Many claim to be concerned about and working for the future, but our trajectory (actions and results) shows that we are still modeling the moment after an idealized past with very little thought for the future. Wealth and its ever-increasing gap is a lie that speaks for itself. The inconsistencies from words to actions to results exposes the lie in power. It is the ego’s job to lie. We don't know what we think we know, and 'how' is a question that should only be answered by interdependent cooperation. To feel entitled is to work to deceive justice. Urgent intensity (and by default, empathy): again, words, actions, results.

So, in the midst of all of these lies, we find the truth of complexity; a complexity that has created the uncertainty surrounding our future, resulting in a spiraling unpredictability of individual behavior adding to the complexity of the entire circumstance. I interpret the added complexity, the uncertainty and the unpredictability as an overwhelming plea for the simplicity of results; a simplicity that will unfog health and wellbeing and opportunity and comfort and security and justice and ultimately allow us to see a possible future.

I believe it is the complexity of our bureaucratic capitalism that has created this monstrous circumstance, and I believe that it is the words-actions-results lie of urgent intensity (and empathy and future focus) seen over and over again from those with power that perpetuates this monstrous circumstance, and as is, I don’t see that this circumstance will become any less monstrous, so I can only believe (predict) that the unpredictability of individual behavior will become more and more unpredictable.

Enough divisive rhetoric! For the sake of Humanity, it is time for the simplicity of results…

Only 1% care. And of those, only 1% really care. And of that 1% of 1%, they are only able to care about 1%; (I just don't believe that we as humans are capable of moving very far outside the swirling funnel of our self for very long to really care about others much more than 1%; or 10% if you're an optimist; or 49% if you're functionally delusional). Understanding the human need for validation, I optimistically started out writing 10%. But depending on your personal disposition, it could as easily be 0.1%. Or 0.000001%. The point, (no matter where it is placed), is that I am mostly alone. And that is okay because the point applies to each and every one of us.

I am seeking comfort in this and perhaps it comes from knowing that I am not alone in my loneliness; we are each alone together. It is the ultimate equity; though some would argue, claiming a significant other, or children, or parents, or best friends, or 2,000 Facebook friends, or 49% of the vote. And perhaps there are flush times in one's life when one or more of the 1% markers doubles or even triples, but I believe anyone even a little more than marginally functional understands that each one of us, most of the time, is essentially mostly alone.

This understanding forces me to acknowledge that I cannot save the world; but I also understand that if I work hard toward that end, I am more likely to be productive. Productivity though, can be misguided. As generative output, productivity may sometimes result in regress, destruction and death, rather than progress, restoration and survival. So it is probably good that because I am mostly alone, by myself I am unlikely to succeed in my efforts to save the world.

Yet there are a few individuals, drunk on power, in positions in which misguided efforts are not checked by the fact that they are mostly alone. And there are a few small groups that have maneuvered into a place in which they can influence these individuals and intentionally impose and administer a misguided ideology. How did this happen? This is not as much a condemnation of specific individuals or specific factions as it is of a system gone awry; a system that allows the will of a minority to manage the rights of the majority; a system that allows only two parties and the divisiveness they companionably engender and perpetuate; a system that allows the synonymity of wealth and power and the anonymity of me and you. So until we unskew the system, we must choose our representative personnel very carefully.

In this next week we have an opportunity to choose. It appears we have two options: 1) regress or (at best) inaction, or 2) a baby step. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose the rights of the majority. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose to begin filling in the wealth gap. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose education or justice or expertise. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose verity or compassion or respect. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose the future. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot even choose our Constitution.

The system is skewed and the people are screwed, no matter our choice. And this is the basis of why so many of us will cast our vote for an issue such as gun rights or right to life; or a belief such as the superiority of one race or one religion or one nation; or a longing for the glory of misremembered good old days. And this is the basis of why so many of us will cast our vote for the candidate we are less afraid of. And this is the basis of why so many of us will choose to not cast a vote at all. I understand.

But if, instead of fear, we could bring ourselves to vote from a thoughtful consideration of progress, the future, our survival, perhaps this upcoming week we could take a baby step. And perhaps from there we could begin to unskew the system. And perhaps from there we could extend the lifespan of the human species. Or perhaps it is already too late.

But to believe it is already too late is to squelch productivity, maintain status quo, give up. I refuse to believe it is too late. And because I refuse to give up, this upcoming week I will vote for the possibility of survival and justice and compassion alongside the certainty of politics and power and ego. I will vote for all of humanity alongside unavoidable partisan self-interest. I will vote for the possibility of a rebuilt future over the resurrection of a failed past. I will vote for a baby step forward over a stumbling step backward.

This upcoming week I will vote.

And this upcoming week I will continue to work toward saving the world.

If we all did that, just think what we might accomplish.

It is curious that no matter how much I read, learn, study, write in one week, the next week comes along demanding that I read, learn, study, write even more. I believe there are some who believe they know everything they need to know and don’t want to “waste their time” with more knowledge. Even if reading, learning, studying, writing is a waste of time, (I don't believe it is), I would rather waste time than resources. We live in a world today so rich in relatively easily accessible knowledge, making lifelong learning possible for many (and probably a large majority) of us, why would anyone choose to quit? Why would anyone choose to know with certainty? Why would anyone rest on their self-defined laurels? Why would anyone claim to have expertise when they don't? Why would anyone choose foolishness when they could choose the utilization of resources? We are all fools in varying degrees, but to choose my self over the combined past, present and future intelligence of an entire species is beyond foolishness; it is reckless, it is dangerous, and it threatens our survival.

I got a little sidetracked. I began the paragraph above intending to consider the nature of striving, and the seemingly never ending, inexorable march of days and weeks requiring such effort in the lifetime of a single individual, and the difficulty in continuing to move forward in the face of seeming futility. But perhaps the sideways bunny trail above leading one to certainty and self-congratulations expresses just how difficult it is to move forward. Perhaps the ego is merely waste, vomitus, excrement spewed forth as a result of one being swallowed whole by futility. And perhaps this realization is a first step toward striving toward next week, and a recognition that my days and weeks are numbered, and a strength to continue reading and learning and studying and writing.

I believe that to serve, to contribute, to advance first and foremost requires an awareness of one’s vulnerabilities, which in turn can create an awareness of one’s potential capabilities, which again in turn must always be tempered by an awareness of one’s vulnerabilities in order to hold ego in check. I also believe one must strive to learn within each moment, hour, day, week whether that be through interactive experience, focused effort, or a combination thereof. Ego stunts learning. Those overtaken by ego likely do not expend much focused effort on learning. Those overtaken by ego likely approach interaction as if they know best. Those overtaken by ego cannot serve, contribute, advance.

In a given moment, as a human, any one of us can be overtaken by ego. To strive toward next week and to recognize the definition of my earthly days and to have strength for constant service, contribution, learning, advancement, I must overtake ego. And to survive as a species, we must overtake ego.

We are in a state of disrepair. We are filled with waste, vomitus, excrement that began as ripples of individual fear and has become tsunami waves of pretentious contempt and effluvious malevolence battering us all on all sides. I want to ask, how did we get here? But fear and feelings of futility have always been a thing, so perhaps this is not the question we should be asking. Perhaps we should be asking, how do we get past this debilitating hump of stupidity and ignorance keeping us from an evolution necessary for our survival? I believe comfort is necessary for justice, but how do we find comfort in uncertainty? And how do we find justice in trepidation? I believe those in power should recognize and care for those who are vulnerable, but how do we find compassion in avarice? And how do we find influence in servility? If it is simply a matter of waiting for the old guard to die off, I am not sure we have that much time; today there are many young people in the old guard…

It is curious that no matter how much I read, learn, study, write in one week, the next week comes along demanding that I read, learn, study, write even more; demanding that I ponder, consider, cogitate, wring my hands even more; demanding that I laugh, cry, seethe, scream even more; demanding that I protest, argue, disbelieve, actively hope even more. And the days and the weeks continue to march on; and I believe they will do so even upon my departure; at least for a little while…