hopelesshappiness.com

When I say, “good enough is not good enough,” I believe it scares people, because I believe that for most people good enough is good enough and for a lot of people not-quite good enough is also good enough and for too many people not-at-all good enough is, well, still okay. Good enough. A phrase that when you say it frequently, it starts to lose its meaning; on multiple levels. Today, where the overriding goal for most people is comfort and it is expected that you will go into a job (or any endeavor) just planning to get by, who really wants to work with (or worse yet, for) someone who is never satisfied? So much easier (and far more cheerful) when everyone goes along to get along, and we pretend that one-hundred-percent of those in our cohort are above average, and we are happy with the bare minimum because to be dissatisfied is to be troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful; and once we are labeled as any of those things, we are ostracized in as polite and pretentious of terms as is possible, because after all, we must be sure that no matter what, we all get along.

My current-day dilemma is I am job-hunting and I don't know how to market troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful. I like to ask the question, “is it better to be truthful or nice?” And I have a natural aversion to anything less than (at least 75 or 80 percent) truthfulness, and I have not figured out how to tell a prospective employer that I am frustrated in my current position by varying forms of Good-Enough. In my struggles with this explanation, I believe I only succeed in helping them to see a time down the road when they will be faced with my dissatisfaction. I have tried to spin this as improvement, lifelong learning, adaptability, raising the bar, and the desire for a new challenge, but I think all they are thinking is, “Yikes! What would I be getting myself into?” I am intense and serious; and I know this comes across in an interview, and I know this is (again) often thought synonymous with troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful. And I do understand how striving for excellence can get in the way of pretentious camaraderie, but when did comfort and simplicity overtake and strangle the life out of the satisfaction from hard work and high standards?

I even understand that with 8,023,375,108 people here on this planet in this moment, there has to be more give than take, (and I am a strong advocate for improvement through some form of social democracy), but this reality should not punish those of us who, despite believing Truth to be unattainable, are still searching. The question remains – how do I market these (misinterpreted) attributes that should be my strongest selling points? How do I not scare people – and still be truthful?

There are other factors in my current desire for change: an increased workload, below-average pay, the aforementioned polite, pretentious disengagement, superficial promises and priorities, excessive, misguided bureaucracy. But once again, though I am happy to share reasonable examples, facts, statistics and even a spreadsheet or two, if I am truthful I will come across as troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful.

To job hunt implies dissatisfaction. But I am finding that in a job interview, to be truthful about the nature of that dissatisfaction is injudicious; counterproductive. Yes, I am unhappy with the status quo; with any status quo. And my current job description could be summed up in one word: maintain. And with the increased workload I am barely able to do that. And I realize that if or when I do find a different job, I may go into a new circumstance where once again, good enough is good enough; but at least I will have the challenge (for a little while) of a new learning curve, and maybe I could even advance from below-average pay to average pay.

My current department finally got approval (several weeks ago) to hire another full-time person to help with the workload, but we are counting now in months the time this process has taken so far, and the job is still not posted on the list of over a thousand available jobs, and by the time it is posted and we go through the process of screening and interviewing and making a decision on a person willing to accept below-below-average pay to do a difficult, uncomfortable job, and then we account for their new learning curve by further increasing my workload at the beginning (if we move quickly) of a new academic year when the workload is already at its heaviest… well, it sounds and already feels like a never-ending saga. I would not be surprised to learn that this apparent unwillingness to do the right thing is a (conscious and/or subconscious) part of my punishment for striving toward excellence and for encouraging others to do the same and not going along to get along. Regarding my current circumstance and partially in hindsight:

• I never wanted kind words.
• I never wanted reassurance.
• I never wanted justification; i.e. excuses.
• I never wanted apologies.
• I never wanted promises.
• I never even wanted acknowledgement that my perspective is valid.

In the past four years I have received all of these things but all of these things have turned out to be mere delaying tactics. In hindsight, what I did want was change for a significant better. What I want now is a different job. But I don't know how to market troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful.

It pains me to say…

But perhaps I have no choice but to be less than truthful.

Maybe the best way to do that is to get in front of it by acknowledging the obvious: that by definition to job hunt is to admit to some dissatisfaction. In my case my dissatisfaction stems from my job description (to maintain) and my pay (below average). And a new job that pays more, regardless of departmental philosophy on good-enough, will also provide new opportunities and a new learning curve. This is not being entirely truthful but it does (more succinctly) sum up my dissatisfaction and it might-perhaps-maybe partially mask my vexatious nature. It would be a step forward as opposed to my current circumstance in which I am at best standing still.

All this said, I still believe my vexatious nature is a necessary strength and I believe, for the sake of survival, more of us need to champion hard work and high standards.

All quoted definitions from dictionary.com chosen for purposes of this thought.

Power: from Old French – “to be able.”

Power (as a noun): “a person or thing that possesses or exercises authority or influence.”

Power (as a verb): “to make powerful; inspire; spur; sustain; enable.”

Deference: “submission to or compliance with the will of another.”

One's deference to another comes from fear, respect, or some combination thereof.

Today, the greater the influence and/or the greater the deference paid, the greater the power.

What happened to Power as a verb?

It seems to me that the greatest power would be to enable and/or sustain, unconcerned with deference and beyond one's self interest.

Today, we are under the impression that to enable another will somehow equitably disable our self.

If one requires deference from another to feel powerful, the power they exercise is an abuse.

I have said before that Justice requires empathy minus entitlement and self-interest.

Justice also requires Power as a verb.

Humane: “characterized by tenderness, especially for the suffering or distressed.”

Human: “feeling; fallible; forgivable.”

To be humane is to consider Justice for all of Humanity, past, present and future.

To be human is to consider Justice on a much, much smaller scale; i.e. one's self or one's close, personal cohort.

By its nature, any process, system or ideology is interested only in itself and cannot express or emote tenderness.

Any process, system or ideology that stands alone or is left largely to its own devices is inhumane.

For a process to be humane it must be carefully guided by one or more humans whose priority is Justice.

Capitalism is inhumane.

A practicing individual capitalist can be both human and inhumane.

A practicing individual capitalist can also be both inhuman and inhumane.

A practicing individual capitalist, no matter how it is spun, will never be humane.

Nor will any size group of practicing capitalists, (from two friends to a political party to a country to western civilization).

To be humane requires one to be human; though paradoxically to be human will limit one's ability to be humane.

Today, when we work to improve a process, (in theory) we are working to gain efficiencies, but more often than not, we are merely adding layers of bureaucracy.

For our future, when we work to improve a process, we should also consider Justice.

Any process, system or ideology that never or seldom delivers on Justice should be scrapped and we should start over.

Any process, system or ideology that inconsistently delivers on Justice should be reworked.

Again, Justice requires empathy minus entitlement and self-interest AND Power as a verb.

Justification of a process, system or ideology is not Justice.

Capitalism is inhumane.

Three weeks ago today I lost my last baby tooth. Around Christmas I could feel a familiar childhood ache, I reached into my mouth and I could wiggle that tooth. I was never one to try and force a tooth out, or yank it out, and I definitely never told anyone after the first time or two because Dad would always say “let's see” and next thing I knew he had a tooth in his hand and I had a bloody hole in my head. Same this time; I told no one. I just slowly worked it back and forth over the next several weeks and after dinner, Saturday February 18, when I wiggled it, it obediently laid over on its side and finally, in my 63rd year, gave up its ghost.

This past week I had a dentist appointment. I have been seeing this Dentist for more than 30 years and for more than 30 years she has been after that tooth. I am happy I never let her have it. Now, she of course wants to fill the space, talking about bridges and skyscrapers and drilling deep into the subsurface and other heavy construction, but as with the baby tooth I will again put her off for as long as I can.

I am collecting holes in my head. In addition to this newly acquired collectible, I lost an insufferable adult tooth (probably) 20 years ago and never had that hole filled. In 1998 I had a square cut out of my skull for a vestibular neurectomy and a week later went back for surgery to repair a leak in which my brain juice (cerebrospinal fluid) periodically came flooding both out my nose and down my throat. I have also had both eyes resurfaced (cataract surgeries) which may not qualify as new holes but in the neighborhood, and a few weeks ago, in a routine brain MRI, they found a “tiny cavernous angioma” – incidental, not dangerous, and oxymoronic, but perhaps the prize of my collection. UCLA Health says, “A cavernous angioma is a blood vessel abnormality characterized by large, adjacent capillaries with little or no intervening brain.” Not only a fairly uncommon hole, (0.4 percent of the population), but the “little or no intervening brain” part substantiates what my wife has been saying for years; you can imagine.

Brain, yes. Eyesight, yes. Fix those holes and fix them quick. But incidental? Not dangerous? Not even painful? Oxymoronic? These things can wait. What is more oxymoronic than a 30 year urgency for a 60 year old baby tooth? But then what do I know? After all, it is a medical fact that I have little or no intervening brain.

There are paths. Almost a year ago I suggested that a balance of Form, Function, Discipline and Indulgence would lead us toward and sometimes away from Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice. But this served as more explanation than direction, more of a guidebook than a map. So how do I get there? Where do I start? Where do I find the trailhead? And when I come to a fork, which one should I take?

I am reminded of the Robert Frost poem “The Road Not Taken” in which apparently, instead of the popular interpretation recommending individualism and taking the “one less traveled by” – he is suggesting that on a future day we will pretentiously claim this more noble path, wanting to believe we had control all along. If I were to choose in this moment, because it feels like we are currently so far away from Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice, I would say we might be better served by the uncertainty of a road less traveled. But I cannot automatically or even instinctively discount Frost's observation that we are inclined to create myths to match our worldview after the fact; we are inclined to turn uncertainty into certainty thus further encouraging myth.

And as also pointed out by Robert Frost, I can only see so far ahead whether at a fork or on the straight and narrow. Like it or not and regardless of my stories in later life, when choosing any path, there is a large amount of the unknown ahead. This factor also encourages me to acknowledge the relative, seeming sameness of one path compared to another. And perhaps as further explanation, in one's youth, more often than not, a somewhat broader path is set before us from which any divergence available will not stray far from the primary or consensus path. Perhaps the actual road to Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice lies elsewhere unpaved, and to be built requires a trek through and to a never-before-traveled untamed wild. So perhaps I have come this far to agree with Robert Frost: the choice, though consequential, perhaps even substantial, as a divergence from the main path, will make little difference in the History of Humanity. To truly seek Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice will require a much larger, much greater divergence. So where do I start?

Where do I find the trailhead?

It feels like I must begin in my youth. Which at the age of 63, will be difficult. As long as there continues this flow of 8 billion plus filling the heart muscle, arteries, veins, and capillaries of our present-day worldview substantiated and justified by similar yet divisive myths, it is very difficult, (perhaps impossible) for anyone to work back against this streaming onslaught. We must somehow find a way while still in our youth to branch off, to diverge, absconding with enough of the power of this heart muscle to begin anew actually building toward Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice.

How? What is the tonic for a system that funnels us toward disorder, insignificance, fear and cruelty? What can serve as a catalyst for redefining Peace, Purpose, Reason and Passion to align with Beauty, Truth, Wisdom and Justice instead of its current alignment with bureaucracy, convention, certainty and division? Education? Education feels like an uphill battle with established, traditional power and process. A new system? Of course, but as previously implied we don't have the numbers or enough heart to pull that off. The beginning stages of an apocalypse? Isn't that where we find ourselves today? And with little ongoing improvement? I don't know…

If Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice were four walled and gated cities constantly receding at varying speeds and distances, (which in a sense they are because they are Ideals), it makes sense that one would opt for alternative routes to destinations more reachable, open and welcoming. For example our worldview today creates disorder, so though one may begin in Attraction and even stop over in Peace seeking Beauty in Form, it is difficult to bypass the chaos and disorder of all the surrounding construction when asked to lend a hand and knowing our desired destination is a journey that will not end in this Lifetime; consequently we are funneled to the nearby metropolis, Bureaucracy. And because our worldview today creates insignificance, though one may begin their journey in Accomplishment and even stop over in Purpose seeking Truth in Function, it is difficult to exit the main thoroughfare onto a seemingly smaller, less significant path also knowing our desired destination is a journey that will not end in this Lifetime; consequently we are funneled to the nearby metropolis, Convention. And because our worldview today creates fear, though one may begin their journey in Success and even stop over in Reason seeking Wisdom in Discipline, it is difficult (and perhaps dangerous) to slow down to consider the uncertainty of cross-country detours especially knowing our desired destination is a journey that will not end in this Lifetime; consequently we are funneled to the nearby metropolis, Certainty. And because our worldview today creates cruelty, though one may begin their journey in Intimacy and even stop over in Passion seeking Justice in Indulgence, as one individual it is difficult to imagine stopping to help every breakdown alongside the road or stopping to inject our worldview into every poor and/or dying village along the way thus contributing one's harshness more as wanton disregard than overt cruelty but with the same result; consequently we are funneled to the nearby metropolis, Division. Yes, unfortunately, in our worldview today we are rewarded for finding answers and making our homes in Bureaucracy, Convention, Certainty and Division rather than to live the required nomadic life for a chance to perhaps glimpse beyond the walls and through the gates of Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice, and for a chance to perhaps save the World, or at the least Humanity.

Perhaps studying these paths and the ways we are misguided is a beginning to education; and though education feels necessary, as previously stated, I don't see it as expedient. I believe today, we need expedient, so I am back to “I don't know” – which will not deter my effort to find a better answer.

Apparently, the faster we move, the slower time passes. If we were to move at the speed of light, time would stop. To stop time would be to live forever. But forever would have no meaning in the context of no time. So theoretically, the faster I move, the less time passes and less time = less meaning. Conversely then, to add meaning, I must slow down. I believe to move slow is to act with thoughtfulness and careful consideration, and to move fast is to act some combination of haphazardly, recklessly, thoughtlessly. I believe those who thrive on power, seek control. I believe by moving fast (slowing time) I feel more in control and by moving slow (allowing time to pass) I feel more uncertain. I believe control is delusion, and I believe uncertainty is reality. Thus power tends toward reckless, haphazard, thoughtless, (and sometimes) delusional actions. Yet to move slow, though more authentic, is to be taken advantage of and/or shunted aside and/or left behind. So if I am determined to live a thoughtful, considered, more meaningful life, I will have less influence. Conversely then, less meaning = more influence. Many would disagree, but I believe the mistake made by many is synonymizing influence with meaning. Influence is not meaning. In practice, when one's influence stems from one's desire for power and control and/or from one's entitlement, meaning is watered down. In today's busy world, one can cause, one can create, one can be important, consequential, even substantial, and still be empty; or worse yet, toxic. And to exacerbate the circumstance, watered down meaning is (I believe on some level) recognized as such by the fast-moving individual, thus encouraging him or her to move even faster in search of more meaning; and of course, in this playbook, meaning equates to influence. We are back where we began. And the results of these ongoing, misguided attempts to justify one's existence? Chaos and dissatisfaction. The alternative, Peace, brought about by slowing down and living a thoughtful, considered, more meaningful life, is infinitely more complex than the superficiality required for haphazard, reckless or thoughtless; and the resulting unsettled peace from this complexity also builds personal dissatisfaction, though one that is perhaps more resigned as opposed to the frantic dissatisfaction of the fast-moving individual. So we have the erratic pinball-bumper-car actions of those full of certainty and desperate to influence on their imaginary playing field, juxtaposed against the seemingly unmoving thinkers on the sidelines and the raucous cheering herd in the stadium seats. Unlike an actual sporting competition though, in this game the influencers on the field ignore the play-calling thinkers on the sidelines, and are actually motivated more by their followers in the stands. We need a timeout to realign and prioritize. We need a more equitable balance of athleticism and strategy. We need to slow down, acknowledge the uncertainty, and develop contingencies. We need to expand the playing field until it is no longer a playing field, and there are no longer opposing teams. Being should not be a spectator sport. Influence is not meaning, and consequence (today) is seldom progress. Accounting for all of Life, (past, present, and future), we will move further, faster if we slow down. Instead of working to move at the speed of light, we should aspire to move at the speed of profundity.

…we should slow down.