hopelesshappiness.com

This week I have been asking the question 'How does one stay the path when distracted by happenings alongside the path?' It is difficult enough that the path itself is uncertain; an uncertainty compounded by crossroads and forks. But even when the path appears to be straight and true there are sights to see alongside the path; enticements to pull one from the path; upheaval and turmoil that seem a threat to the stability of the path; plaintive, pleading cries for help, coming from other, unknown paths; and some of these distractions are nearly impossible to ignore.

During good times the scenery along the path is pleasant; in great times - idyllic. During bad times one may observe floods, famine, pestilence, plagues, locusts, earthquakes, tsunamis, beggars, sadness, hand-to-mouth, paycheck-to-paycheck, black-hole-sun. And then there are the mundane times when distractions are minimal; much like driving through the state of Kansas.

The Good, The Bad, and The Mundane - each set of distractions poses its own unique set of challenges. Based on my experience, when times are Good we are tempted to play, we often lack the self-discipline needed to stay the path, and we suffer from an inability to prioritize. When times are Mundane, instead of taking advantage of this lack of distractions to reflect on Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness, we often wander off the path in search of distractions to fool ourselves into thinking times are Good. When times are Bad we may leave the path to blame, curse, criticize, feel sorry for ourselves, or simply wait and hope. Of course I have left much unsaid, but you can fill in the blanks with your favorite non-productive reactions to each of these scenarios.

The question remains - How to stay the path? The easy and obvious answers include self-discipline, persistence, focus, and perhaps a stoical acceptance of Life's inconsistencies. Again, you can fill in the blanks with your favorite productive reactions.

But what thoughts can one think that will actually impact behaviors? Life is not easy. If you believe Life is easy, you are missing something. This week I have (several times) looked back to last week's post to help me move past this week's distractions - specifically (from last week's post) I have revisited the parts about NOT saying or thinking 'it should be better, it should have been better, or it will get better' - but instead saying and thinking 'it can get better and then working towards that by acting in this moment with an eye to the future.' It is going to take some time for this to become second nature, but I have to think that it will. This is the closest I have come to creating synergy between thoughts and behaviors during a time of excessive Life distractions. These thoughts have led me back to my path more than once this week. Now to see if I can advance to the next level in which these thoughts will encourage me to stay on my path; to not wander off or be led astray; to extract resolution and to learn, from my path.

I know I will stray again. I am Human. And 'Whatever is, is right.'

...But that is not an excuse - I must continue to act; and I will not give up.

I believe my Humanity acts as a filter by diminishing the intensity of Truth (Light).

I believe my Humanity acts as a filter by intercepting and presenting Life's impurities (Dark) as a temptation; or as a reminder.

I believe (as Alexander Pope said in his Essay on Man) that "Whatever is, is right" mostly (only?) because I cannot change what 'at this moment' is, nor can I change what has been. However, this should never be an excuse for inaction.

I believe I should act 'in this moment' with an eye to the future.

I believe the following: I should not say or think "it should be better" - I should never say or think "it should have been better" - I should not say or think "it will get better" - instead, I should say and think "it can get better" - and then I should work at it.

I believe that I don't always deserve to be Happy; but that's okay because sometimes I do.

I believe Icarus had the right idea (poorly executed) - we should fly to the Light.

In recent posts I have been examining the relationship between critical judgment and Happiness. I have not yet determined how best to reconcile high expectations and my search for Truth with Inner Peace and Exoteric Goodness. I have made some valid points in these recent posts that have helped to calm my thinking and reactions when I am able to focus, but in the heat of a moment ...

So the question remains - How should I react / what should I say in the heat of that moment when I recognize results as less than optimum? Below are some options for this question as it is commonly phrased:

If you can't say anything nice, then ...

• don't say anything at all; (Mom's answer).
• only say it behind their back.
• only say it to their face.
• say it loudly to anyone who will listen.
• share it quietly with a single confidant

My most common verbal reaction is to share my misgivings with a single confidant, followed by a sincere, diplomatic, active effort to improve the current situation and future results. Of course, as always, the reality at times differs from this ideal.

While diplomacy definitely governs my actions and influences my verbal sharing, it seldom impacts my thoughts. Due to their instinctive nature we often cannot control our initial thoughts. So if I can't think anything nice, what then? It is difficult to not think anything at all (sorry Mom), and thinking behind their back, to their face, loudly, or quietly are all the same in terms of shared or external consequences or influences. It has been suggested that I refocus my energies into areas/tasks/issues that I am able to impact, which may help with attitude but will not change the fact/reality of the initial thought or thoughts. Additionally, if I change my attitude, am I simply giving up? And, am I ignoring Truth?

When I am critical of someone to a point where I feel compelled to verbally share my thoughts (even if I do so with only a single confidant), I am typically critical of their actions / decisions, or lack thereof. And if I don't think, say, or do anything (ignore it) the situation has NO chance of improving. It may sound condescending, overbearing, or over-confident to think 'I know best' but isn't that also a fairly common human tendency? We can perhaps mitigate the ego if we legitimately try to gauge effectiveness (i.e. results) and majority opinion before verbalizing or acting on our opinions. If ego is not a factor, then feedback should not be taken personally. If I am critical of defective or less than optimum situations and results, and if we are focused within these parameters (situations and results) and avoid truly personal attacks, then it should be a learning experience leading to improvement. Easy to say, I know. Do I practice what I just preached and learn from perceived criticism? I'm sure not as often as I should, but the act of writing it makes me aware - at least for the moment.

It seems I'm getting a little off track ...

The question remains - regardless of how I handle criticism - how do I avoid the negative aspects (seemingly) inherent in critically judging other's decision/indecision or action/inaction? Do I feel these negative aspects are based solely on our human tendency to take it personally? Or is it perceived as negative (still talking about critical judgment, of course) because it is negative? I would like to think that it is not negative but rather perceived as such due to a fallible human tendency to overreact. But no matter how much I want to believe that, I must allow for the possibility that our Human instinct/traits/tendencies are an accurate representation of Truth. These differing possibilities pose a dilemma. If we are overreacting or being overly-sensitive then I should pursue the Truth by holding everyone (including and most importantly myself) accountable for these expectations that are seemingly unattainable, as that is the only way to close the gap on Truth. But, if our Humanity is any kind of reflection of Truth, then I should focus more on Inner Peace and Exoteric Goodness by accepting my (your) Humanity as it is, with no critical judgment.

As you can tell, I tend to believe that my Humanity is fallible, though based on the current prevalence of cultural narcissism many would disagree with me. But if I continue to believe that it is fallible, I will continue to pursue Truth, which will encourage critical judgment; which in turn will work against Inner Peace and Exoteric Goodness. So be it. In an ideal world I could balance them all. But uncertainty (which I believe is a cornerstone of Humanity) keeps Life interesting. I refuse to believe that human nature is all there is and that I will always know the Truth for any given moment. There must be a higher Truth and I must continue to pursue it. And if this results in anxiety, ulcers, or other stress-related maladies ... well then, it is simply another example of our fallible human nature.

I am sorry to those whose feelings are hurt by my unrealistic expectations. Be comforted (if you will) by the fact that I hold myself to an even higher standard, and I will continue to pay a high price. It may not, by most standards, be worth the price I pay, yet I am driven ...

... To the Brink? ...

... Of Madness?

... Of Truth?

Perhaps Both.

One foot in front of the other - repeat - again - and again ...

In theory it should not matter if my work is appreciated, or not. The act of moving forward should (in and of itself) provide adequate satisfaction. I should not 'need' attention or kudos for working towards Happiness. In reality though, the human part of me does crave some appreciation; if for no other reason than to justify my existence and validate my progress.

Today (two days after writing the above) I received some verbal appreciation specific to the work I was referring to. Is this a coincidence, or a case of 'thoughts are things'? Or, (another possibility) - perhaps the appreciation was there all along; perhaps I just did not take notice until I needed it; perhaps when we pay attention to those things we need, they become visible; perhaps the spirit of appreciation is always there; perhaps the spirit of 'all things' is always there.

Perhaps then, instead of writing and thinking this week about appreciation, I am actually writing and thinking about making the intangible, tangible. In the last two days I have not only noticed the aforementioned verbal appreciation specific to the referenced work, but I have also noticed the kindness of a stranger, empathy from an unexpected source, and a general increase in positive communication. Perhaps it was always there, and by calling for it, I simply brought it into the light.

This is a nice thought. I should figure out a way to plant this thought so it will take root and flourish, encouraging the spirit of positive reason to recognize the 'potential' inherent in all actions that move me towards Happiness. And once recognized, (as illustrated this week), perhaps the intangible becomes tangible.

Perhaps ...

But if not?

One foot in front of the other - repeat - again - and again ...

It is very difficult to 'not' worry about what others think; especially in today's media-driven, narcissistic culture. I believe this 'concern' impacts our Happiness in that taking the time to fret over appearances (trivialities?) takes time away from 1) searching for Truth/Wisdom/Purpose, and 2) striving towards Inner Peace and Exoteric Goodness. So it looks like I am headed into a discussion about how (and/or why) not to concern ourselves with other's opinions; but I'm not. We can't help but concern ourselves with other's opinions because We Live With Each Other; and, it is our nature to do so. Because 'opinions' are an inevitable consequence of our daily existence, instead of trying (or learning) to ignore other's opinions, perhaps we would be better served by learning to differentiate between appearances and progress, and learning to 'not' automatically be overwhelmed, taken aback, or angered by these opinions so we can actually listen (to them) for understanding; after all some opinions are valid, and some advice is good.

Whether it is unwanted, unwarranted, solicited, unsolicited, or welcome, it helps me to look at feedback from the perspective of the opinionator - 180 degrees from the perspective of the recipient. This allows for empathy and encourages objectivity. And, since all of us have, at one time or another, expressed an opinion or given advice, it is not a big stretch to understand this viewpoint. So without further ado, let's listen to The Opinionator:

"I have opinions. I am in a position (as a spouse, parent, family-member, friend, co-worker) to express these opinions and knowingly or (sometimes) unwittingly influence other's actions and thoughts. Sometimes my light is blinding; and sometimes my thunder is deafening. You probably know others like me. As an 'Opinionator' I encourage you (beg of you) to shade your eyes with one hand and clamp an ear with the other; then look inward and search for your own light and rhythm. I am happy (small 'h') to help if and when I can, but too often I help without being asked. I am learning that my truth and wisdom is not necessarily yours. I think you already knew that.

When my opinion is input into this interactive human flow chart, and when you process that opinion through your system, if you spit out a course of action contrary to my input, then I will possibly (likely) spit out a judgment that may harm our relationship, thus harming Inner Peace and Exoteric Goodness. It is none of my business! Some of you know me so well (based on past actions) that even when I don't verbalize my judgment, you feel it; which does as much harm (perhaps more) than if we had talked it out.

The point, simply put - No Regrets! The past is past. Concern yourself with input, determine and implement your course of action, then move on. You may listen to my solicited and unsolicited opinions (input) and process them, but only listen to my (verbal or perceived) judgments (good or bad) if you can do so objectively in order to re-process them and apply them towards current or future actions. You may even choose to inwardly acknowledge mistakes, but Do Not fret or worry over my judgments! Additionally, I would appreciate (though I may not deserve) compassion and empathy for times I have interfered, led you astray, or given bad advice."

If you read the above carefully (and if The Opinionator were a real person), you may have intuited one or more of the following:

• an apology;
• appreciation for past forbearance;
• a plea for continued forbearance, as needed;
• a pledge to do better.

This fictional role as The Opinionator felt very natural. I can only hope to learn the role of gracious listener half as well. Perhaps it is not too late to show that an old dog can learn some new tricks; new tricks that begin with empathy and compassion. Thank you for listening.