hopelesshappiness.com

The idea of moving from 'order to disorder' or 'simplicity to complexity' is fascinating. For me (and I believe for many others) it succinctly describes the direction that we do move through time. One cannot erase experience. We may not always remember or be able to identify the specific influence of a specific moment, but I believe all of experience synergistically exerts an influence on every moment. So as I add individual experiences throughout my lifetime it is logical that disorder becomes more and more likely and simplicity becomes more and more difficult.

Yet I like order and I want to simplify. If I cannot find 'simple order' I will settle for organized complexity. This is why of late I have been drawn to Steampunk. Described as 'What the past would look like if the future had happened sooner' its images (for me) represent domesticated disorder. This is what I have been attempting to do with Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness every week for the past year. I would like to take all the cogs and wheels and clockworks and gears and brass and top hats and goggles and corsets of life, and if not make some sense of it all, at least make it more visually appealing and thought-provoking; (which in itself should add some sense). As I progress through this increasing disorder I want to remain passionate and excited about living life. I don't want to shuffle along in a rut avoiding the chaos of swirling expectations and experiences. I want to be a collector; but not one who piles it all in heaps of unintelligible clutter in the barn or attic. I want Steampunk clutter - Harmonious Discord.

I have previously touched upon the importance of finding accord in the midst of the discord of Life. I have advocated prioritizing and organizing the minutiae of Life. And here I am again encouraging rhythm and harmony to assist in this ordering of disorder. So as with most objectives, it must be easier said than done. I will dig deeper.

Perhaps it is as simple as avoiding that rut; combining known methods of orchestration (reading, writing, learning) with subtle, intuitive reminders (music, art, nature), and adding new discoveries (like my recent crush on Steampunk). Of course new discoveries will almost always be an existing sub-class or sub-genre found in the process of reminders and orchestrations, and will often carry the additional stigma of being quirky, eccentric, or frivolous.

Though the phrase 'Steampunk' has been around nearly 30 years, and its roots go back to Victorian times, I think many would still identify it as a fad. Continuing to think this through, I am now asking myself if a fad is truly a new discovery or just a way to combat boredom and convince myself that I am open to new ideas and not in a rut. Wow ... Am I just a sad old man trying to keep up, or does 'branching out' really add vitality and ignite passion? ... tough question.

... Or is it a tough question? ... (small epiphany) - If something resonates within, no matter how short-lived, I need not worry, nor make apologies; especially if I can learn from it and apply it to other aspects of my Life. On the other hand, if I am jumping on the bandwagon because everyone else is, then that is a problem. So we have come around to uninhibited truthfulness with oneself; (again). I have to look inward to examine my motivations and my true feelings.

And having done so now, in this case, I still like Steampunk.

So qualifying it thusly, I believe there is potential validity to creating harmonious discord by staying out of a rut. But once off the beaten path, what then? I'm thinking there must be more to it than just new discoveries.

Part of it is learning and application as previously stated. But would that require a certain amount of consistency and stability to which new learning can be applied? and does that sound a little like another rut? How do I keep it fresh?

... ... ... ...

Repetition? I have come back to writing about this theme of harmony / rhythm (multiple times) and I do find myself re-reading various passages in favorite books, and this repetition does seem to add to my understanding.

Added Depth? When I re-think various concepts I force myself to dig deeper by asking more questions. (I've also said before that) by adding depth I am essentially simplifying by ordering (organizing) complexity.

To summarize: as I experience Life it becomes increasingly disordered while I aspire to simplify and organize. So I search for rhythm and harmony to layer the chaos and I utilize the following to keep it fresh and vibrant:

• New Discoveries (that resonate)
• Repetition
• Added Depth
• Learning and Application (Growth)

I cannot undo what is done. In this lifetime there is no subtraction; there is only addition. I suppose I could play it safe and add small increments, and end with a small contribution. Or I could add ridiculously large increments, ending with a ridiculously large impact. Or I could add purposeful, meaningful increments, that will end in a positive contribution.

There is no subtraction - yet paradoxically, without a certain amount of order, rhythm, and harmony, one could end their Life with a negative contribution.

Solitude - at times a welcome respite from the clamor of daily existence; at other times a cramped and lonely cell from which screams cannot escape.

A scream is difficult for others to interpret and understand. When I scream from within, this incoherence is compounded by my own inability to understand. Screams from within can be heard by others; but they are typically ignored.

I believe they are typically ignored by others because many (most?) of us ignore our own screams from within. If one is unable to acknowledge or accept their own screams ...

Solitude - When it manifests itself as caliginous isolation, can it be illuminated by reflective contemplation? Semantically, it works. In practice, it is helpful.

Chronic, idiopathic solitude requires an untiring, disciplined vigilance to arrive at a best-case scenario and avoid the claustrophobia inherent in chronic, idiopathic solitude.

As with all circumstances, adversity has the potential to bring one closer to Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness.

This week I tripped over a spectrum in my search for Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness. Dazed but unhurt, I picked myself up and (though I never reached the extreme in either direction) traveled some distance in both directions, identifying one end of the spectrum as 'the approval of others' and the other end as 'the disapproval of others'. Each manifested itself as varying degrees of (or lack of) trust and confidence. Puzzled as to why this should trip me up and impede my progress, I have spent 2 or 3 days walking alongside this serpentine troglodyte to study, learn, and better understand its nature.

I have learned that it is a cave dweller, preferring the deeper recesses of my mind and, whenever possible, avoiding the light of day, thus perpetuating the belief that I am an independent thinker with independent thoughts. I have learned that unlike many, this spectrum is full of twists and turns; hidden curves that increase the likelihood of head-on impact. I have learned that it is deceitful, indirect, and devious, leading me to think it is inconsequential with little or no influence on thoughts and actions. I have learned that I am foolish to take it lightly; not only for the reasons above, but perhaps because it contains more legitimacy and truthfulness than is apparent on the surface thus validating a connection between humanity and 'other-worldly' considerations.

So it seems that what I must do is get hold of this beast and drag it (writhing and squirming) from its hidey-hole into the sunshine that's my life. Once in the light I believe I should soothe it with kind words and gentle caresses in order to attain some degree of control over the influence of the approval/disapproval from others. (I believe all of us acknowledge and accept the influence/impact that loved ones have on us, but in many if not most cases this influence is unwelcome when it comes from mere acquaintances, bosses, co-workers, or strangers. Nonetheless, it is real.) So instead of ignoring it and allowing it to remain hidden, I believe acknowledgment and respect will not only domesticate and house-train its unruly nature but will ultimately lead to a partial melding or fusion of the aforementioned connection between our humanity and our potential for Happiness.

I am hesitant to admit the power of another's words or actions; sometimes even of those I am close to. I would like to think their approval is superfluous and their disapproval is misguided and/or unnecessary, but ... the reality typically does not match my bravado.

I like praise. I do not like that someone (anyone) does not trust me. This week I specifically asked someone to "Please Trust" - They did not. What ensued was an unpleasant downward spiral.

No one is beyond reproach. It is human nature to make mistakes, so logic dictates that no one can be trusted. But doesn't it feel better to trust and be trusted, than it does to judge and be judged? And isn't it more likely that a spirit of mutual trust and confidence will create better results faster, than an atmosphere of mistrust? Studies consistently show these things to be true.

From my experience this week I would add that mutual trust and confidence will assist in closing the gap on Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness, while mistrust, judgment, and castigation will widen that gap, or at the least, impede progress. This for me is proof that a connection does exist between my Humanity (even those malformed, misshapen, ugly aspects of my Humanity that I'd prefer stay hidden) and my potential for Happiness.

It's nice to know.

If I were to depart from this world today, what intangibles would I leave behind? What kind of legacy? Or perhaps more importantly, would I be satisfied with the exoteric goodness I have left in my wake? (Alright - I am never satisfied, but would I be okay with it?) Or, (the same question rephrased) am I okay with the exoteric goodness that I have left thus far?

The other question that comes to mind is 'Would others be satisfied with the intangibles I would leave behind?' I'm not sure one could find 'uninhibited truthfulness' in this regard, from those who are close. I believe many of us leave this earthly plane with much goodwill emanating from those who know us, as they will likely choose to focus on the positive aspects of our lifetime and forgive our failings. Don't misunderstand. This is good and I would not want it to change. But I believe it would be 3 or 4 generations removed before one could find uninhibited truthfulness, and by then (unless you are somehow on the world stage) chances are your legacy has become largely anecdotal. Again, don't misunderstand. This is also as it should be because the exoteric goodness you leave behind is of your own making and the anonymity (once recognized) should encourage Goodness for the sake of Goodness, with no ulterior motive. And, only you can judge your satisfaction with that potential.

It is late ... I will think more about this tomorrow ...

I just realized that I am putting 'today' off until tomorrow within the context of a premise in which there is no tomorrow. I did so innocently and that bothers me. It is a serious question that may determine or (at the least) influence Happiness. According to some thinkers (including Aristotle), Happiness can only be judged over an entire lifetime (i.e. one's legacy) and if I am not okay with it, I have work to do today - not tomorrow.

Having respectfully acknowledged the serious nature of this topic, there is a point when words and thoughts become muddled and sleep is necessary. I hope to appreciate my next 'today' tomorrow and take advantage of that opportunity to pursue further clarification, depth, complexity, and understanding ...

... I am here today.

As Willie Nelson said, "yesterday's dead and tomorrow is blind."

I have work to do.

So how do I go about, in a single day, the monumental, daunting task of creating a legacy? ...

I have some ideas ...

First, I feel like whatever I do to this end should be active and not passive. This is why I write. For me, the written word is active thought. This is also why I make mistakes within the context of daily activity. Passivity may eliminate or reduce errors, but at what cost? Activity is necessary for results and forward movement, but can at times be interpreted as controversial and/or adversarial. Inactivity is stale and boring and inhibits growth, but does at times provide the warmth and safety of a (matrix-like) comfort zone.

Next, (perhaps a corollary to being active) - purposeful passion. I believe that one should exhibit a mindful, determined enthusiasm for thoughts and behaviors throughout the day. This quality can exacerbate the potentially adversarial nature of being active, but can/should be tempered with mindfulness. It can be difficult to be passionate about some mundane, required daily activities. I avoid apathy by seeking new discoveries; making new connections; thinking outside the box about the activity; or (if it is a truly mindless activity) writing in my head (i.e. Active Thought). Additionally, listening to music or contemplating art, literature, philosophy, or nature helps me to stay thoughtfully active.

Next, I believe the flexibility to adjust or change for the sake of learning and growth is very important. Be it opinions, perspective, behaviors, or simply outdated habits, one should continue to evolve. Listening with empathy and compassion is a key component of adaptability. And this openness to change also helps to mitigate the potential adversarial impact of being passionately active.

Finally, I believe that a sense of humor, or the ability to not take oneself and/or one's place in this world too seriously, is (though seemingly contradictory) a seriously consequential aspect of exoteric goodness. As noted in this previous post Epictetus reminds us that we have nothing to lose in this world because this world owes us nothing. Earthly possessions (including this physical body) are temporary and are not 'taken' from us, but simply returned from whence they came. This is pretty heady stuff, but it helps us to not take our physical selves or our place in this world too seriously by freeing us from these earthly constraints and reminding us that there are 'other-worldly' considerations such as inner peace and exoteric goodness that should be taken more seriously. A sense of humor - the ability to laugh at earthly fumblings and foibles and quickly move on - will allow for a more focused pursuit of Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness.

I have no intention of departing this world any time soon. Regardless of my intentions though, I should remind myself daily that anything of, from, or for this world (including my tangible, physical being) can be snatched from my mental grasp in less time than it takes to place the period at the end of this sentence.

I should remind myself daily that I have work to do.

1. Active thought and action
2. Purposeful passion
3. Openness to change
4. A sense of humor

I believe these 4 components as described, will assist me in creating a legacy that emphasizes Goodness for the sake of Goodness; a legacy that I can live with - or (when the time comes) not.

So many questions - Big Questions. It seems we touch upon them every week. Truth? Wisdom? Purpose? Inner Peace? Exoteric Goodness? I want to know. What are they? How and/or where do I find them? Why are they 'Big Questions?' And (the question of the week) why are the answers so elusive?

Is it a test? - Some would say so. But would those who believe it's a test, also believe they have the answer(s)? No one likes to fail, so if one believes it is a test, it is logical then that they would also believe the answer(s) are either attainable or in hand. If I believed this, I would not be asking ...

A Karmic loop then? A closed system where what goes around truly does come around? Yin and Yang? A finite number of souls plus infinite lifetimes equals eternally perfect balance? While there may be some truths here, 'eternally perfect balance' doesn't feel like THE answer. It seems contradictory in that to know balance you must first know both extremes and yet most (if not all) extremes are unattainable perfections. Therefore perfect balance is as unrealistic as Perfect Wisdom or Perfect Truth. And, a closed loop system feels too neat and tidy to account for the messiness of humanity.

For the sake of focus, I will ask again - why are the answers so elusive? There must be a reason; and if we can find that reason, one would think it would bring us closer to the answer(s).

Could it simply be that this imperfect human mind and body is incapable of knowing perfection? It must be stored somewhere within our (collective?) memory or subconscious; otherwise we would not look for the answer(s), strive for perfection, or even begin to understand its possibility. This explanation feels more realistic, but it doesn't feel complete; it does not satisfy; it is boring; I am looking for more.

Are we perhaps, on some level, averse to the answer(s)? Do we have natural leanings that discourage knowing the opposite end of the spectrum? Take Beauty for example. We know it when we experience it, and we are attracted to it. Yet near the opposite extreme (though we might be inclined to deny this) at times we are also simultaneously attracted to and repulsed by the ugly and the perverse. Is this morbid curiosity an example of a subconscious need to know opposite extremes in order to approach Perfection? (As previously noted, balance is unrealistic without first identifying/knowing the extremes.) Toss entropy into this equation (which in my mind will continue to push the extremes further and further from our reach) and add the imperfect nature of humanity, and perhaps we are closer to explaining the elusive nature of answer(s). But an explanation is not the same as an understanding. And I really don't feel any closer to the answer(s).

So digging deeper, I still have to ask Why? If it is a test, I am failing. If it is Yin and Yang, then why this burning to know Why? If it is a struggle between our imperfect human definitions of wisdom, truth, purpose, peace, and goodness, and our desire to know the extremes, then how do I shed my humanity and still know reality as it applies to daily existence?

When I attempt to enfold, incorporate, or otherwise combine spirituality, intuition, emotion, passion, mindfulness, logic, reason, compassion, circumstance, humanity, and physicality, the result is much the same as when one combines varying amounts of the colors red, blue, yellow, and green; each one is changed by the others. Occasionally we may successfully separate a specific element thus experiencing its true intensity (or close to it) for a short period of time, but this earthly plane will always place certain demands upon us that in turn dilutes the palette. I have not yet found a way to layer them so they are joined yet distinct; so that the Truth and Wisdom of one plane can be coupled with that of another (and so on throughout all the planes) in order to multiply intensity, with no adulteration; and perhaps allow one to see an ultimate Truth.

Purple and orange are nice colors. As are magenta and cyan. I'm not certain though that I could identify the exact proportional origin of chartreuse or periwinkle. And when one starts mixing passion with reason with emotion with circumstance with ... The Truth is diluted. This may explain 'how' the answers become muddled, but it still does not adequately explain 'why' they seem out of reach.

Why are we unable to see the entire palette clearly, sharply, and distinctly with each truth pixelated and shining brightly to create a cohesive vision and understanding of Perfect Truth. Perhaps the answer(s) would be clearer with better reception; better tuning; better focus - High Def Happiness. It's a nice thought, but I'm not sure (after 2 days of mulling it over) that it is realistic. I believe the intensity and purity of all that Truth may overwhelm; may strike us blind and send us to, or over, the brink. That is, if our imperfect, limited vision could even take in the entire big picture.

It now makes more sense to think in terms of Perfect Balance. But, as previously stated, to know Perfect Balance one must first know the opposite extremes which are unattainable ideals that continue to be pushed further out of reach due to entropy. (Now I feel as close as I've been to understanding why the answer(s) are so elusive.) Imagine a potentially infinite number of teeter-totters evenly spaced and all sharing a single fulcrum placed in the exact center of a circle. Imagine all of this mounted on a circling merry-go-round. Each teeter-totter represents a component or sub-component of Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness. With our mind's-eye we are scrambling over multiple teeter-totters at once, attempting to understand the gravity as it impacts each opposite end (extreme) of each and every teeter-totter in order to find its Perfect Balance and calm/still its disturbing, vertiginous motion. Yet as we scramble, we find we can never reach either end of any of them. So when we've reached as far towards the circumference as we're able, and scramble back towards the center, we then seem to get closer to the balance we seek. Occasionally we get lucky and accidentally land on the exact center (which we are blind to) and for a fleeting moment we know Perfect Balance - for that one component. With a little more effort and luck we may occasionally experience it for more than one component at a time. These teasers may explain why we continue to seek the answer(s) and the entire construct may explain why the answer(s) are so elusive. The constant whirling motion of the merry-go-round by itself will not allow Perfect stillness, and with entropy constantly extending the multiple teetering/tottering diameters (thus enlarging the merry-go-round) it appears to be an exercise in futility.

So is it an exercise in futility? Or does this mental construct go beyond an explanation and assist in understanding and bring me closer to answers? I believe it does bring me closer to answers in that it encourages me to continue scrambling; reaching for extremes and seeking a center. And when I experience that fleeting moment of calm as a result of this effort, it drives me to fervently continue my search.

A final note - If you think you have found the fulcrum; if you think you are balanced and/or centered; you are probably just tightly hanging on somewhere near the center, with your eyes closed. Let go, open your eyes, move around, and enjoy the ride.