hopelesshappiness.com

I write. It has been a personal passion for a majority of my years; along with cooking, reading, and listening to music.

I am an avid reader and collector of music. I do not possess extraordinary talent in cooking or writing, though occasionally circumstances gel to hint at a potential that characterizes my passion. I choose music, books, and recipes eclectically, which in turn influence thought processes and the resulting actions/behaviors.

This week I have been internally debating the merits of scaling back on the time and energy spent writing in order to expand my repertoire in the other less strenuous passions. (For example, it has been 9 years since I have made a batch of beer.) I believe I have already talked myself down from this ledge. Now I am examining why I write ... why I am compelled to write.

I obviously do not write for fame or fortune; and I realize that if even a small amount of either (perhaps in the form of 'local notoriety' or 'making a living') found me, it would change the nature of my thoughts and behaviors, thus impacting and/or corrupting the content of my written thoughts. So as I have said before, obscurity has its advantages. But then one (including myself) may ask, why write in a public forum if not to seek some attention? I address this more in-depth in the aforementioned 'obscurity' post (Silent Happiness) but the best answer I have is that this vehicle is an attempt to balance my ego-driven humanity with my efforts to transcend.

This same dynamic (ego to transcendence) is at play in my desire to leave something of tangible importance for my children. I have previously danced with and around this idea in the posts Happiness Left Behind and Daily Happiness. I identified one's legacy as a critical aspect of exoteric goodness, and broke it down into the simple concept that one should live each day as a microcosm of a Life well-lived. This daily discipline and effort put into the organization and analysis of my thoughts, and their transfer to a written format, is my contributory hope that I am practicing exoteric goodness and leaving something of myself behind.

I also write for the sake of my sanity; not in a 'postal' sense of the word, but more to cultivate a disciplined focus, that in turn leads to learning, growth, and an acknowledgment of reality. I believe one needs (at least) occasional reassurance that we have a grip on reality. There are times when my thoughts are jumbled, confused, and uncertain. By translating them into written form I am able to reassure myself that my grip on reality (though slippery) remains. I believe that anyone who believes they have a firm grip on reality is actually holding on (sometimes for dear life) to an illusion. By writing, I am able to recognize both the elusive fluidity and the solid necessity of reality. And in this sense, it keeps me sane.

And finally, there is an inner transcendence that flows in direct proportion to what is lost in translation from my thoughts to my writing; (the less that is lost, the greater the transcendence). There is always some loss; and if my thoughts take a verbal detour and never make it to the page, there is a much greater loss. The written word offers clarity, permanence, and value that the spoken word will never match; so until I am able to consistently (on a daily basis) share a trascendent consciousness with everyone I would like, I will continue to write.

Personal Faith: the belief (in the face of contrary evidence) that there is transcendental meaning; characterized by uncertainty and a degree of inner turmoil.

Exoteric Goodness: selfless goodness left in one's wake in this Lifetime; an empirical interpretation of transcendental meaning.

Social Faith: a belief that comes as a result of indoctrination or groupthink; characterized by a 'strength in numbers' certainty, thereby mitigating or eliminating the necessity of individual interpretation or skepticism.

Cetainty is the antithesis of true personal faith.

Exoteric Goodness is encouraged by and can be accomplished through social faith or personal faith.

Inner Peace is a result of equitable Exoteric Goodness practiced with tolerance and without prejudice.

To know inner peace, one must know inner turmoil. What some would define as inner peace, I would define as acquiescence.

Exoteric Goodness is more meaningful (selfless and honest) when practiced through personal faith.

Inner Peace is more meaningful (profound and insightful) as a result of Exoteric Goodness practiced through personal faith.

Certainty is the antithesis of true personal faith ...

Reality is disappointing. We look for meaning through our children, spouse, and other friends and family; we look for meaning in our work, in social organizations, through entertainment, hobbies, and causes; we look for meaning through cheerfulness, busyness, study, status, and stability; we look for meaning under rocks, in the skies and seas, on mountaintops, in villages, cities, farms, and in the middle of nowhere; we look for meaning in science and technology, through experts and leaders (past and present), and within our self. And sometimes we look for meaning by denying the viability of meaning. But in the end, reality just does not live up to expectations.

We want answers; and in this lifetime answers - definitive answers - are often either illusionary or delusional. There are many noble and meaningful vehicles for meaningfulness. And many of these channels of expression fulfill their promise - from an empirical perspective. But in the end - from a transcendental perspective - these agents of meaning simply fall short.

Some would argue that empirical meaning - loving relationships, noble causes, exoteric goodness - is sufficient. And I would agree; right up to the end. At the end, one can and should take solace in a Life well-lived; one can and should give solace to loved ones in the form of their example. But at the end, it is not sufficient. At the end, uncertainty is inevitable; and unless one opts for illusion or delusion, uncertainty is the only certainty.

I would argue though that one can still find peace at the end, despite the ambiguity. One can find Peace through a Life of example that has included the assimilation of Dark, Light, and shared Consciousness. I would argue that Exoteric Goodness is the agent of meaning that has the strongest potential to transport one from empirical meaning to a transcendental meaning. I would argue that Inner Peace is a result of a Life that has left selfless Goodness in its wake. And I would argue that if a Transcendental Existence awaits - if empirical illusion becomes Transcendental reality (in any way, shape, or form) - then it would be advantageous to equitably practice Exoteric Goodness with tolerance and without prejudice.

So, no matter your perspective or belief, a strong case can be made for Exoteric Goodness. And in some ways (for me) it feels more honest and selfless to practice Exoteric Goodness from a strict empirical perspective.

Transcendental reality is an oxymoron in this empirical world. Those who are certain of a specific transcendental reality (especially those groups that profess absolute certainty) create divisiveness, encourage unyielding ignorance, and impede synergistic affinity. I acknowledge that any one individual or any one group may have it right; but how can any one individual or any one group not acknowledge that they may not have it right, or, that they may have it only partially right.

I believe many do understand, despite associations and assertions, that they may have it - (personal transcendental reality) - only partially right. I go a step further, avoiding definitive assertions, and recognizing the reality that I may be nowhere near the Truth. I am skeptical of each new insight / discovery, and that is why I keep searching.

In some ways this all sounds discouraging; but it is not. To embrace the Dark and the Light, and then to assimilate that knowledge within a shared consciousness, I believe encourages one to seek an ever-expanding circle of humanity to cooperatively apply interdependent Exoteric Goodness equitably, with tolerance, and without prejudice. Regardless, I would rather be aware of a range of varying possibilities than to be certain of one possible impossibility.

Anything is possible and everything is possibly impossible.

Reality is disappointing; and even when this disappointment fulfills its potential to encourage, a veneer of sadness remains.

In May of 2004 my Wife and I began compiling a personal history that tells a long and winding tale of triumph and despair; highs and lows; good luck and bad luck; competition and camaraderie. This epic narrative (as of today) consists of 872 Scrabble scrums of which I have won 433 to her 431 and we have tied 8 times. Over these 872 encounters I have averaged 305.16 points per game to her 304.00 for a difference of 1.16 points. Some would say we are evenly matched.

So how does this relate to Truth, Wisdom, and one's quest for Happiness? I believe it begins to relate simply in terms of Human Interaction which is one of the elements of Happiness as seen on the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements. Connecting with others enables a synergistic expansion of consciousness, which in turn enables potentiality for learning, growth, complexity, and depth. In our case Scrabble has become a favored medium for relaxed communication often accompanied by our like-minded appreciation of music, all leading to an affectionate companionship, and in many ways truly is a microcosm of the ups and downs of our Life together ...

We compete with mutual respect; throwing adversity in each other's path, but doing so within the rules. In this way we stretch each other, encouraging growth.

We enjoy the fact that we are evenly matched. If one goes into a competition or collaboration knowing they will win or knowing they will lose, it is not a lot of fun, and it inhibits one's learning growth, and ability to add complexity or depth.

We have learned that at times (especially late in the game) it is best to take what you can get; not necessarily stoical acceptance or giving up, but rather understanding reality. It is not always possible to place the 'Q' or the 'X' (or the 'J' or the 'Z') on a triple letter space.

Even early in the game, seeking that perfect word may impede progress. It is tempting to hold on to that 'S' for maximal points, or that 'ING' for an impressive 7 letter word and its accompanying 50 point bonus, but at what cost? What opportunities are missed in the form of new letters not picked up? It feels like more often than not, (or at least as often), I do not gain with this strategy. But I also believe the memory of failure is stronger and stays with me longer, and the same justification could be used for holding on to those letters to make that perfect word; especially early in the game and/or with a more open board. The key is to not become obsessed; it is better to let go / sacrifice for the sake of progress and (most importantly) to avoid stagnation.

We have learned to celebrate victory - even when it is not ours. Once I am past the disappointment of my loss, I do enjoy her win; and at times there is no disappointment as we have both said that we would rather lose a close, well-fought game than to play a game filled with the frustration of bad draws, a blocked board, or low scores.

Bottom line - challenge, adversity, and even occasional pain is necessary; and often unavoidable. This is not a new thought. Throughout this site I have consistently encouraged embracing the Dark.

So is it not a natural extension then to encourage challenge and adversity in a caring connective relationship? Is this a necessary aspect of truly loving someone? We typically think a major aspect of Love is the compassionate desire to relieve another of their pain and suffering. Am I actually suggesting that one should inflict adversity and pain in order to show their love? NO - I am not suggesting that - but I am suggesting that one aspect of love should be the empathetic sharing of that challenge, adversity, and pain inherent in our day-to-day existence; a mutual bonding with the Dark as well as the Light. And sometimes, because of our humanity, we may (intentionally or not) inflict pain, but by recognizing that it is a part of a loving relationship, adversity will not sever that connection.

Love is not all Teddy Bears and Chocolate Covered Strawberries. As stated above, I believe this assimilation of Dark, Light, and Consciousness between two people is one tangible, very real aspect of Love. I believe another discernible aspect of Love is Willing Sacrifice. By definition sacrifice involves loss and/or pain. The 'willing' part implies free-will choice which in turn demands no quid pro quo. Even the slightest resentment or expectation of something in return cheapens it, reducing it from an act of selfless Love to an act of selfishness. Granted, reality dictates a certain amount of self-preservation, and an act of kindness often carries with it varying degrees of selfishness, but one should know the difference. A True act of Love is not only selfless, but also often uncredited. That is its nature and that is as it should be.

In recent years I have been captivated by and have written some traditional-form poetry. The Sonnet below (for me) reflects the essence of the two tangible aspects of Love as discussed above. This was written for my Wife and Children:

A PROMISE

A fervent wish to free you from distress
A heartfelt hope to see your mind at ease
Respect and Love to feed your happiness
Repose that won't impede your gentle breeze
Undaunted faith that fear and pain will cease
Enhancing our good cheer with soothing balm
A balm made up of my own joy and peace
Embracing those nearby with gentle calm
A pledge to do no harm nor urge dispute
Together we can charm reality
Outfitted for productive shared pursuit
Committed to constructive harmony
In sync we'll persevere with empathy
I'm here for you, and here I'll always be

This brings me to a third aspect of Love that is ... well ... ... ... beyond words, but best described as a Transcendence that emanates from within and (ideally) connects with another's Inner Transcendence. This aspect encompasses familial Love and Love for one's spouse or significant other. This aspect of Love is beyond simple kindness and greater than (though characterized by) the verbal "I Love You" Love many of us practice on a daily basis. This aspect of Love is the certainty that no matter what, even in the midst of stormy, thunderous, Darkness, this connection cannot be severed. (For me), this aspect of Love is what I feel for my Wife and Children.

This week my Wife and I celebrate 33 years of marriage. There have been many ups and downs, some stormy, thunderous moments, some dazzling Transcendent moments, many moments in between, and quite a few games of Scrabble. I believe this connection will forever be. Three years ago I wrote the Sonnet below for her:

THE WIND

Held mute within my heart, the words are there
It seems those I impart don't flow, they spill
Discordant sounds unwhole and unaware
Of how they should extol what you fulfill
For you to comprehend my words unsaid
For you to feel this wind that does not blow
For you to know firsthand the fire I've bled
For you to understand my faithful flow
Just look within my eyes to see the tears
And throw off my disguise to hold me true
And put your hand in mine to quell my fears
And let our lips entwine to taste anew
Each day I sing and dance and gaze above
I'm blessed with one more chance to show my love

Fourteen years ago this past week I had a vestibular neurectomy. After cutting a one inch square from my skull, the surgeon indicated that they had to gently nudge and shift part of my brain in order to sever the vestibular nerve. For 8 nights after, I had some amazing dreams in which I was able to utilize all of my senses - and then some. I kept a detailed journal. Excerpts are in blockquoutes throughout this week's post.

I dreamed of translucent, neon alligators, and foul smelling, viscous alligator juice. I dreamed of cotton candy and vibrantly colored, intensely fruity fruit chews. I dreamed of writing plays and acting in them, amazing acrobatic performances, and angels with voices from heaven. I dreamed of mazes that I was unable to fight my way out of. I dreamed of mud, smelly garbage, parties, banquets, food, drink, song, merriment, baseball, county fairs, beauty and ugliness, frustration, fear, anger, disgust, jealousy, and murder. I dreamed of chasing, and being chased. I dreamed of coral reefs forming magically on a beach. I dreamed that I helped God create the universes. And I dreamed a very spiritual and wondrous dream using no senses at all.

In recent weeks I have been examining Balance and how it relates to Transcendental Truth. Looking back on this experience from fourteen years ago, I believe it to be my first conscious, written effort to identify and appreciate the value of opposing forces.

There were dreams involving very ugly acts and deeds. I shudder when I think these dreams came from me, but I comfort myself in the thought that we all have shadows within, and the fact that I was exposed to so much beauty and wonder during these 8 days, made it inevitable that I would be exposed to the dark and ugly as well.

In the present day I no longer shudder when exposed to the Dark. In the years since these dreams, the resulting conscious thought process has encouraged self-revelatory uninhibited truthfulness, enabling me to build on and learn from the opposing forces (both Dark and Light) that do battle within and on occasion spill over. So in a sense this dream journal from fourteen years ago was the prequel to my written thought over the past two years on this web site.

Additionally I believe this sensorial intemperance may have strengthened an already-healthy skepticism and in the intervening years has contributed to my relentless search for unattainable Truths and Perfections. Throughout my 50 + years I have always considered myself spiritual, but I have always had many questions. In recent posts I have made a case for a Transcendental Existence, leaping (as one would from stone-to-stone across a brook) from one's ability to self-identify TO self-discipline TO Exoteric Goodness TO one's own consciousness as it relates to one's humanity TO the energy of Pure Consciousness unencumbered by the trappings of one's humanity and transcending all facets of time and space. I do not (nor will I ever pretend to) know the form this Transcendental energy may take, but I do believe this Transcendental Existence abides; and looking back I have realized that the fourteen year old dream below may have served as a divine, or perhaps delusional, inspiration reinforcing my predilection for transcendental thought.

Expanding the Mind - This is the only dream I have ever had, where my senses did not play a part. I did not taste smell, feel, hear, or see anything; but it is also one of the most detailed, intriguing dreams I have ever had. I was traveling with my mind. There was no physical form to my family, the earth, or me, but yet I was communicating with my family, and arranging to meet them at a designated spot, where we would be able to communicate more effectively, and feel closer. It seemed I had been away from them for some time, and this was somewhat of a homecoming. After arranging the place we were to gather (meet doesn't seem right because I knew I would not see them), I had a complicated circular formula in my mind that I knew would get me where I needed to be. Most of this dream was just working through this formula. I can best describe this formula as a rubber band ball. It was equations, wrapped around coordinates, wrapped around numbers, wrapped around theorems, wrapped around equations, and on, and on, and on. I had to figure one item (rubber band) at a time, remove it and go to the next. As I went from one to the next, I felt my mind not only traveling towards my destination, but also expanding from the exhilaration of this mental exercise. Looking at it as we measure time (by passing events) it seemed to take an extremely long time to get to the center of this complex and dazzling sphere within my mind, but in the moment, it also seemed outside of time. When I did make my way to the center, I had also arrived at the gathering place. My family was already there, as they didn't have as far to travel; and as I expected we had no physical form. We could not see, hear, or touch each other, but that seemed to enhance the communication. It was loving and spiritual, honest and pure.

I know ... it's only a dream ... perhaps just more Transcendental twaddle; but to quote the Law of Energy Conservation, 'energy cannot be created or destroyed, but can change form.' And this is where I find myself; believing that the energy of 'me', (as it applies to each one of us able to self-identify), cannot dissipate into nothingness, but can change form and will remain all-or-some-where, all-or-some-when, as all-or-some-thing.