hopelesshappiness.com

I learn and I think and I write to invoke magic; to transform reality from its immensity into a malleable, manageable handful. I expend effort to untangle knots and to conjure mistakes that add meaning and definition to my reality. When I am lazy, (which is more often than is justified), I call upon pretense and bureaucracy and convention and certainty and Netflix to make reality disappear. When I am discouraged, I summon darkness for additional contrast so I am better able to see a light. When I am actively hopeful, I cast heavy shadows to keep me grounded. When I am angry, I ask sadness and reason to temper that anger so my reality does not morph into something more monstrous. When I am smug or intolerant, I unmask my insolence to find my insignificance cowering in the corner. When I am feeling put upon, I allow Indulgence and passion to run free, within reason. When I am afraid, I plead with discipline to balance inconsequence and impertinence. When I am in agreement, I invite uncertainty to ask questions. When I am sad, I listen. When I am lost I look to Beauty, Truth, and Wisdom to lead me back; though Wisdom is hard to keep up with and Beauty is hard to look at and Truth whispers in my ear that I am still lost.

If politics is a struggle for power, whether in the political arena, at work, at home, at play, then political proficiency is one's ability to hone in on privilege and snuggle up close; and those preoccupied with task proficiency are left shivering in the hinterlands. I used to do okay focusing on task proficiency but because (I believe) in recent decades political proficiency has overtaken task proficiency as the greater influence and because I now work for a very large organization, (more than 20,000 employees where I believe it has always been politics), I am cold. I am a retirement age senior who would like to not retire but if I cannot find a place that prioritizes task proficiency over political proficiency (or at least allows me to do so beyond a prescribed point), I may have to retire to come in from the cold.

I understand I could warm up at work if my priorities were reversed. But if I become part of the more and more of us who renounce task responsibility in favor of warmth and comfort, who will be left to do the work? I want to do the work! Yet if I am not politically proficient, I am not allowed to do the work. And as a senior, (looked on by many as used-up), even when I do warm up to power, I am still not fairly compensated for my task proficiency. Power is cold and brittle. Yet we still want a cuddle. Why?

Perhaps it is the heated fervor that is mistaken for kindled brilliance. Perhaps it is the shadowed fire that fools me, drawing me into its proximity. Perhaps it is the pyrotechnics that create an illusion of inflamed wisdom. Nonetheless, the dark, innermost core of power remains cold and brittle.

I am angry.

There are people in this world, and I sometimes forget that I am one of them. Where there are egos, without even trying there is pretense and selfishness, and from there a mere shuffle-slide-smirk to greed. Add to that conscious effort toward judgment, authority, control and add to that any sort of consensus and we have created an inescapable yet untenable circumstance for those outside the circle of tolerance. To survive, those on the outside must on occasion step inside the circle, and to do that they must put forth further conscious effort toward more pretense thus further justifying the circle’s smug morality. In addition, those who essentially reside within the circle of tolerance must also consistently put forth effort toward more and more pretense to maintain their residency, thus again further perpetuating and justifying the circle’s smug morality. I used to believe that I could encourage more change for Good from within the circle but I have determined that the inner circle (where the drivers live) is impenetrable thanks largely to the surrounding consensus that is pretense. And as long as the drivers have the means to drive, (wealth and power), the circumstance will remain as is.

There are people in this world, and I sometimes forget that I am one of them. Back to this. Though I would like to believe that my efforts are more altruistic, I must constantly question this because my methods will always be egoistic. I am reminded of this when I find myself angry. Anger is a conceit that comes from and leads to judgment and a desire for authority and control. Authority and control require overt pretense and a smug morality. So I find myself with pretense and a smug morality, but no consensus. To change circumstance, (or for that matter to maintain circumstance), requires some sort of consensus.

1. Ego - Selfishness - Belief - Pretense - Judgment - Authority - Control - Pretense - Smug Morality - Consensus - Comfort - Selfishness…
2. Ego - Selfishness - Belief - Pretense - Judgment - Authority - Control - Pretense - Smug Morality - No Consensus - Anger…
3. Ego - Anger - Judgment - Authority - Control - Pretense - Smug Morality - No Consensus - Anger…
4. Ego - Anger - Sadness - Judgment - Authority - Control - Pretense - Consensus - Compassion - Change - Comfort - Disappointment - Anger - Sadness…
5. Ego - Anger - Sadness - Judgment - Pretense - No Consensus - Anger - Sadness - Despair - Sadness…
6. Ego - Greed - Pretense - Judgment - Authority - Control - Pretense - Smug Morality - Consensus - Comfort - Greed…
7. Ego - Greed - Pretense - Wealth and Power - Judgment - Authority - Control - Pretense - Smug Morality - Consensus - Comfort - Greed…

Of course, on every track ego is a given and there will always be selfishness, but selfishness can be managed with benevolent belief.

Greed is a choice.

When selfishness is not managed, when selfishness overtakes - overrides - overpowers - exceeds belief, selfishness and belief fuse and become greed.

Capitalism encourages greed and discourages any sort of benevolent belief.

Comfort also hinders benevolent belief.

Sadness tempers judgment, authority, control, conscious pretense, and self-righteousness.

No consensus, (admittedly or not), is always followed by some measure of anger.

Change is always followed by some measure of disappointment because whatever the change, it will never be enough.

Disappointment. (admittedly or not), is always followed by some measure of anger.

I believed in the part of the American Dream that promised equal opportunity, but that belief has consistently led me onto tracks with no consensus.

Track #4 is necessary for our survival.

I keep jumping between tracks 3 and 5.

Though a time or two I have stumbled onto track #4, I am unable to consistently sway opposing consensus, thus sadness trips over ego rekindling anger and I find myself back on track 3 or 5.

When one is sailing along on track #1, then is surprised by finding their self on track #2, rather than moving on to track #3 in hopes of finding their way to track #4, I think most individuals give in and rejoin the consensus back on track #1.

Though I would like to think that each one of us begins on track #1, I know that some are born on track #6 or track #7.

There are those on track #6 or track #7 who choose to occasionally pop on to track #4 for a short visit but whereas I cannot find my way to track #4, they never fail to find their way back home.

Selfishnes, Anger, Sadness, Greed, and Consensus all serve as portals allowing an individual to jump tracks, consciously or not.

It appears to me that to survive we need a consensus, consistent Sadness.

As long as the drivers have the means to drive, (wealth and power), the circumstance will remain as is.

It is official. Of course the truth is it began nearly 65 years ago when my personally primordial cord was cut. I suppose though it is not official until it is acknowledged. Uncle. My thousand-cut quest for quietus has begun.

Sure, as a younger man, from a distance, I nodded at death giving it all due respect but I was not on speaking terms until my first heart attack at age 50. And even then our daily, (sometimes weekly), conversations were centered around the fragility of life, not so much any sort of ultimatum. So at that time with that new understanding of vulnerability, I successfully fought back, losing 60 pounds and changing my exercise and diet regimen, and I have been hospital-free for the past eight years. But now in approximately this past year it has been harder to ignore the smaller cuts; knees, hands, eyes, tremors, shoulder, ears, skin, strength, agility, stamina. I am told that for my years I am actually in quite good shape. In theory this countdown should go on for years or even for two or three more decades, and that is my intention. Nonetheless, my conversations with the pale oppressor have taken a more somber, serious turn.

In one recent conversation, I asked how much of the gradual lessening of active contribution as one enters and navigates their senior years was due to actual limitations (i.e. his countdown) and how much was due to lower expectations (i.e. our natural tendency to regard older persons as debilitated). From his own observations, he agreed that there was injustice and (sadly) significant wasted experience but he could not (or would not) speak to how it should be. When I pushed asking if this was intentional, meant to acclimate one to the idea of a nevermore, or if it was just the nature of endings, he responded saying that the planning and strategy were above his pay grade; he was merely in place to execute. I continued, rather strongly suggesting that wealth and power took advantage of him to maintain their wealth and power. I further suggested that the rich and powerful, the decision- and rule-makers, the arbitrary, pretentious, superficial, controlling, unjust, gap-widening bosses are Death incarnate. Death was offended. He adamantly denied that he was a killer acting with intention and he staunchly defended his role as functionary, merely providing a requested service.

In another conversation I asked ‘His Highborn Sallowness’ why he was so feared. I mean, he describes himself as a functionary and from where I sit he is rather unassuming; quiet, not the best conversationalist, a little drab in appearance and demeanor but comes across as efficient and economical. He replied, “there really is nothing to be afraid of.” Which led me to the question, “are you saying there is nothing after this life?” his surprising answer: “I don’t know.” Come on, man! You would think Death would know what comes next. But he again insisted that as a conduit, the existence or not of an afterlife was above his pay grade. I grasped on to his mention of conduit making the point that conduit implied a passage; something on the other end. But according to him, in the performance of his task he is only allowed to see the passing from this life. When I asked if those who passed then somehow stayed with him, he said, “no, they pass.” So I asked again, “to where?” and he once again replied, “I don’t know.” And when I asked if he was even curious, he said, “it’s not my place.” It is hard getting a straight answer from Death. Though in probably his longest and most impassioned speech to date, speaking in the third-person, he then further explained. “Death is not other-worldly. Death is of this world, here, now, everywhere, always. Anyone can learn from Death, anytime. Commune with Death and ye shall be freer in Life.”

In another conversation I asked about his relationship with pain. He claimed it was not a relationship so much as a series of flings. Yes, they saw a lot of each other but only because they traveled in the same circles. According to Death, pain is far too busy and complicated and he couldn’t (and wouldn’t want to) keep up with her if he tried. What’s more, he pointed out that in every occasion in which they are both present, once he steps in, pain immediately exits to feast upon nearby loved ones. He also expressed disdain for pain’s short attention span. He said pain was easily bored and though time often gets the credit for healing wounds, it is in actuality the fact that pain loses interest and moves on.

Yesterday I asked Death if he had aspirations beyond his role as functionary. As much as Death can, he smiled, contemplatively. After a few moments he replied, “I would like to be a teacher.” I encouraged this thought expressing appreciation for what I have learned from our conversations. He countered saying that he felt his essential assigned task overshadowed any efforts he might make to connect with someone. Opposite of many aspiring teachers, Death is afraid people take him too seriously which he has found impedes any sort of mutually beneficial learning experience. Instead of wringing hands or quaking in fear or creating stories or using him for nefarious deeds, he would much prefer that people would see him just as he is – a part of life.

In an early conversation, at the end, I got up and instinctively reached out my hand in appreciation and respect then noticeably hesitated. He waved off my embarrassment saying it was not my time and in a moment of deathly exuberance reached out with a hearty handshake and a quick double-tap to my shoulder. I had made a friend. We stood there for a few moments (as friends do) making idle chitchat and he also explained that he came to those at the end in varying ways depending on their receptivity. For some, just a light touch in the center of the forehead, for most, a two-handed, face-to-face, arm’s length gripping of the shoulders, and on occasion a good shaking was necessary to help them let go. It was also in this conversation that we came to addressing each other on a first-name basis. Mort then told me that when it was my time, when he came for me, it would be in a big-old bear hug and he would hold on to me for as long as he could until I passed. Until then, we will remain lifelong friends.

According to a report this week, (September 9, 2024), from the Pew Research Center the top four voter issues, according to the percentage of registered voters who say the issue is very important to their vote, are as follows:

Trump supporters:

1. Economy 93%.
2. Immigration 82%.
3. Violent Crime 76%.
4. Foreign Policy 72%.

Harris supporters:

1. Health Care 76%.
2. Supreme Court Appointments 73%.
3. Economy 68%.
4. Abortion 67%.

In the survey there were ten issues presented. The three not cited above in order of importance to both factions combined are:

1. Gun Policy.
2. Racial and Ethnic Inequality.
3. Climate Change.

Interestingly Harris supporters average percentage of very important issues is 60.0% and as a group the majority includes 8 of the 10 issues as very important leaving only ‘violent crime’ (46%) and ‘immigration’ (39%) at less than 50% consensus but still of significant importance. Whereas Trump supporters average percentage of very important issues is 54.7% and as a group the majority includes 7 of the 10 issues as very important leaving ‘abortion’ (35%) as significant and leaving ‘racial and ethnic inequality’ (18%) and ‘climate change’ (11%) both as essentially inconsequential to Trump supporters. If for no other reason than this broader consideration of all the issues I believe this shows the greater depth of concern and consideration on the part of Harris supporters. In addition the average percentage of the top four issues for each group, (Trump supporters 80.75%, Harris supporters 71.0%), accurately reflects the hot-button, rhetorical nature of the republican party compared to the less emotional, more even-handed approach of the democrats. This is not to say the democrats have it all figured out as further reflected by their track record in recent decades of condescending pretense and the absence of any meaningful grassroots empathy or compassion. Which brings me to the question, why are both factions ignoring what is (in my mind) the much larger issue of income and wealth inequality? Strides toward narrowing this gap would most certainly also include progress on many of the named issues. Yet (I believe) as long as our leaders (both republican and democrat) are on the advantaged side of this gap, income and wealth inequality will remain the issue not to be named and we will continue to be distracted and misled so order (i.e. status quo) can be maintained.

There is one more issue also unnamed that would be on my list very close to income and wealth inequality; that is educational opportunity. In the conclusion of his 2023 book (Ours Was the Shining Future) Pulitzer prize-winning writer David Leonhardt addresses these two unnamed issues alongside some of the named issues, asking:

“How might the United States develop its own version of sectoral-level bargaining for workers? How can the federal government effectively tax not only top incomes but also the accumulated wealth that has created a modern aristocracy? How should the country build a pre-K and childcare system that can reduce childhood and gender inequities? How can the country reduce mass incarceration and police violence while also holding down crime levels? What would it take to create an immigration system that did not increase economic inequality? Why is medical care uniquely expensive in the United States? How can colleges and employers create a version of class-based affirmative action that is legally protected and more popular than the old race-based affirmative action but that also fosters racial diversity?” (page 390.)

He goes on to point out that most Americans (republican and democrat) are in favor of more progressive economic policy and reform but in that regard republicans today, (specifically Trump), are all talk and no action, but the rhetoric has enough bite to disguise their lack of effort. So as long as republicans are able to maintain the divisive fervor surrounding the social issues, the political right will continue to be a disruptive force and we will make no progress on economic issues. To overcome our mistakes of the past 50 years, Leonhardt espouses a new grassroots effort utilizing the story of freedom oppressed. He says:

“…today’s extreme inequality is hampering Americans’ freedom in ways large and small. Most children who grow up in poverty are not free to escape it, as Raj Chetty’s research has demonstrated. Many children are not free to achieve their potential because they attend inadequate schools. Workers are not free to earn wages that reflect their economic contributions. Consumers are not free to avoid surprise medical bills and sneaky mobile phone fees. Americans are not free to travel around the country as rapidly or easily as the citizens of other affluent countries move around theirs. Nor do we live as long as they do. In each of these cases, the main culprit is our highly unequal economy, in which corporations have grown larger, most workers have little power, and the wealthy can bequeath millions of dollars from one generation to the next with only light taxation.” (Pages 377-378.)

Today, we do not have leaders in this country, we have misleaders. In the epilogue of his 2023 book (Poverty, By America) Pulitzer prize-winning writer Matthew Desmond says,

“The majority of Americans believe the economy is benefitting the rich and harming the poor. The majority believe the rich aren’t paying their fair share in taxes. The majority support a $15 federal minimum wage. Why, then, aren't our elected officials representing the will of the people?” (Page 188.)

Indeed.