hopelesshappiness.com

Cold winds blow. When cold winds blow, do yours more often blow from your past, or from your future? It is in the moment they are felt; but from where do they originate? These are interesting questions and I believe the answers (at least partially) depend upon individual character, proclivities, and circumstances. I do not believe a cold wind originates in the moment, for the moment, and immediately dissipates, unless... unless it is the proverbial 'chill running down the spine' that is essentially indefinable and unidentifiable. I believe cold winds originate from past or future events and may gain, maintain, or lose momentum as they approach our moment. I believe we may hear their howling before they reach our moment, thereby warning us to hunker down and hold on. I believe once they reach our moment they may travel alongside, occasionally violating our inner sanctity with icy tendrils, and/or (infrequently) picking us up off our feet and carrying us along for a ways. Cold winds blow.

When cold winds blow, interpretations change. When pleasantly warm, tropical breezes blow, interpretations change. Warm tropical breezes cannot be contrived or imagined. Cold winds cannot (should not) be ignored. Cold winds can be perceived as refreshing. Warm breezes can be perceived as muggy. Cold winds typically trump warm breezes. Changing interpretations are often in the context of shifting perspective on consensus standards; (e.g. what was considered 'very good' is now merely'good' based on a new and improved 'very good'). In theory we can layer our interpretations infinitely close together, forever stretching further (in both directions) creating subtle distinction that enriches Life; (in practice, our Humanity imposes some constraints but I believe more so on the infinity component than on the directional component). (I believe) each individual choice toward Exoteric Goodness does not require an equal stretching toward its opposite, (intentional or unintentional malevolence), either by the individual or as a balancing of the whole; (the whole being all of humanity). (I believe) as a whole if we stretch toward Goodness, we will move the midpoint in that direction, thus maintaining balance, and changing interpretations. In this manner (I believe) we can eliminate some malevolence. (I believe) narcissism and bureaucracy detract from the nuance of Goodness but may add to the goodness of nuance, which is why these (and other) iniquities are (to varying degrees) an unavoidable, ingrained part of our humanity. We cannot define active, contributory joy and hope without debilitating despair; but we can choose our actions and reactions. We raise or lower the bar one choice at a time.

There is another wind that (on occasion) blows. This third wind is neither warm nor cold. This third wind is (on the whole) neither pleasant nor unpleasant; though depending on individual circumstance it can be disturbing and/or insightful. This third wind does not appear to come from the past or the future; the origin of this third wind is mysterious / unkown / esoteric and (I believe) personal and unique to each individual. This third wind may be an epiphanous result of fortuitous happenstance or focused study/meditation, or it may come in dream form. These esoteric currents may ebb and flow (seemingly) at random and without regard to other prevailing winds or breezes. Like the 'chill down the spine' this third wind transcends our verbal abilities, but may blow long and/or strong enough to elicit action/reaction. This third wind may impact interpretations, but due to its ineffability one must be wary of acting rashly on those interpretations.

Life is serious. As we make choices and raise or lower the bar, interpretations change, but unattainable Perfections will always remain - this is as it should be.

Q - What then must we do? A - More.

(1) Draw a circle (with a pencil), say, 5 inches in diameter. (2) Write your name, or simply 'ME' inside the circle, large enough to fill the circle. (3) Now carefully erase the circle, leaving 'you' and redraw the circle 10% larger. (4) Now erase your name/'ME'. Now repeat steps 2, 3, and 4... again... and again... and again... ad infinitum. This is what we must do.

The sum of all things is subtle; gradual. The components that make up that sum run the gamut from subtle to a punch in the mouth; or in the brain; or in the heart; or in the gut.

Surprise - Unpredictability - Randomness: these qualities create color, meaning, and three-dimensional growth. The illusion of control stifles and stymies. If Surprise, Unpredictability, and/or Randomness are contrived, they will feel contrived. Spontaneity is often contrived.

We do make comparisons. For the most part they are comfortable, nearby, empirical comparisons. Many of us avoid uncomfortable, large-scale comparisons. Many of us avoid serious, analytical, transcendental comparisons. When it comes to transcendental belief many of us will not wander far from the center-point of our circle. While we may stretch ourselves empirically, many of us stand firm transcendentally.

From Discomfortable Happiness:

"To advance empirically or transcendentally one must choose hardship by learning from the past, consulting with the future, and letting go of both (the past and the future) in order to decide and act in the moment in accordance with the highest ideals of (unattainable) perfection for whatever the challenge. Chasing Perfection is rife with adversity."

Continue to raise the bar and stretch your circle. If one falls too far inside oneself or ventures too far beyond oneself for too long, the subtlety is lost and we are in danger of losing our self.

Dead or dying flowers are a reminder.

"Sometimes a god comes. He brings a new way to do a thing, or a new thing to be done. A new kind of singing, or a new kind of death. He brings this across the bridge between the dream-time and the world-time. When he has done this, it is done. You cannot take things that exist in the world and try to drive them back into the dream, to hold them inside the dream with walls and pretenses. That is insanity. What is, is."
--from THE WORD FOR WORLD IS FOREST by Ursula K. LeGuin.

'Before' is dream-time. 'After' is world-time. 'Now' is not too late. Lost innocence and undiscovered beauty are lamentable. Uninhibited truthfulness applies to world-time. Pure innocence and unsullied beauty belong to dream-time, but can be intuited in world-time. To advance innocence and beauty requires focus on dream-time. To advance Truth, Wisdom, and (upper-case) Happiness requires focus on world-time; (though some may argue). You are a (lower-case) god, and capable of crossing (back and forth) over the bridge between the dream-time and the world-time. Inner peace comes from crossing (back and forth) over the bridge. Dream-time contains many polar opposites. Dark and Light are from dream-time; it is their respective shadow and reflection that are carried into world-time. Shadows in world-time can lengthen and acquire depth. Reflections in world-time can illuminate and acquire color. Shadows in world-time create a sense of foreboding. Reflections in world-time create a sense of lightness. Exoteric Goodness happens in world-time, but can be intuited in dream-time. Pain and adversity are felt in world-time and rewarded in dream-time. Sanity is determined by world-time. If dream-time (as the numerator) is larger than world-time (as the denominator) ... consider the result. You are a god, and capable of determining your own numerator and denominator. Anarchy works in dream-time. Bureaucracy began as a reflection but has been overtaken by shadows. The bridge will always be open and trafficking will always be active. On the bridge, there is no single point of perfect balance; it is different and constantly moving for each individual, and if multiple individuals share a point of perfect balance, it is purely coincidental. To traverse the bridge in either direction exacts a different toll from each individual; the toll is always paid in world-time. When in dream-time, we do not know. When in world-time we feel compelled to know. Words are unnecessary in dream-time. Words are overused in world-time. Dream-time is all about Humanity. World-time is all about me. World-time requires skepticism. Dream-time requires trust. To be a fool in dream-time will advance learning and growth. To be a fool in world-time risks ridicule and scorn. The 'time' in dream-time is an illusion. The 'time' in world-time is a force. It seems that I am more alone in dream-time, but (I believe) the reality is that I am more alone in world-time. Synergy and interdependence are learned in dream-time and applied in world-time. In dream-time, there is no place to hide. In world-time, there are many, many hiding places. 'Before' is dream-time. 'After' is world-time. 'Now' is not too late.

What happens when an organization's inefficiencies overtake and surpass its efficiencies? According to organizational economic theory the organization will either add/improve efficiencies to regain balance, or scale back its operations to regain preexisting efficiencies and restore a healthier bottom line; but in some cases an organization (or an entire industry) may increase rates and/or fees to cover up negligent inefficiencies. Additionally some organizations are not dependent upon profits. Any organization that is subsidized (by taxpayers for example) and is not regeneratively independent, is not necessarily subject to this market mandate of efficiency.

What happens when an individual's inefficiencies overtake and surpass his or her efficiencies? Much the same as above: (1) existing efficiencies must be improved, and/or (2) new efficiencies must be added, or (3) he or she must scale back efforts and/or expectations to maintain stability and to ensure functional daily operations. As individuals many of us are subsidized via human interaction ranging from casual contact to intimate relationships. With this support we are often able to get through rough patches and occasionally we can demand extra attention (i.e. a rate increase) for a short period, but ultimately it comes back to the individual to decide if effort and/or expectation stagnate or if we continue to progress painfully. Ultimately many of us find that there are days (minutes... hours... weeks... months... years... Lifetimes...) when we are unsubsidized and alone; and in the marketplace of humanity, this is a normal state - one we should expect and embrace.

Many would argue that they are not unsubsidized and alone, and that it (unsubsidized and alone) is not a normal state. I would argue that it is not only a normal state but a preferable state, and that each of us is more alone than we perceive ourselves to be. It is preferable because it encourages efficiencies in learning and growth, and one's ability to close the gap on Truth and Wisdom. A bevy of friends and family, after a point, can serve as a distraction and keep us from our quest. This can also contribute to how, (in this narcissistic world of distractions), we (too often) may find it easier to scale back our effort and expectation, and ignore our calling/purpose; that is, if we have identified a calling. Just as the invisible hand in economics tweaks the marketplace through pricing to balance supply and demand, so does the esoteric nature of humanity require either an equivalent tweaking of efficiency and inefficiency, or inner justification of negligent inefficiency. An overabundance of human interaction can serve as that justification.

One of the points I am arguing for here is moderation in and equally progressive effort (as possible) toward all the elements of Happiness as seen on the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements. I have made this point in previous posts and will not belabor it here, other than to say lower-case happiness (everyday cheerfulness / satisfaction) is a trap.

Another argument I would like to expand on is my belief that each of us is more alone than we perceive ourselves to be. I accidentally stumbled upon a conversation this week in which I was the topic and the conversing parties did not know I was in earshot. Their perception of me was not consistent with my self-image. After the expected hurt subsided this served as a reminder that in many ways, and more often than we would like, our self-image is not consistent with other's perception of us. I can turn this around and think of many, many individuals who behave as if others consider them in one regard, yet myself and/or others consider them in a completely different light; and I know the perceived truth of this because I hear both considerations verbalized by all concerned. It only makes sense that I have the same deluded self-image. When I see myself in this way, I realize I am indeed more unsubsidized and alone than I want to be or would like to believe. I have previously touted the benefits of 'uninhibited truthfulness' to oneself - this is an example. Yes, it (uninhibited truthfulness) hurts. Yes, it is hard work. But I believe, in the long run, it is well worth the effort.

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Upon letting this post (to this point) simmer for a day I can't help but objectively ask, do I truly believe that this state (unsubsidized and alone) is advantageous? Or am I simply attempting to justify personal circumstance? To answer these questions, I have to ask, is my circumstance by choice? I know that part of the answer lies in the fact that I began feeling more alone and excluded 7 years ago when I left full-time work due to disability. In the last three years though, I have spent seventeen months working full-time (which I had to stop again due to the disability), and fifteen months (and counting) working part-time. I have been married 33+ years and I have three grown children and one beautiful granddaughter, as well as numerous extended family members. I provide this personal background to substantiate my belief that this propensity toward solitude is by choice. I have my whole life been a bit of a loner. I have always been one to enjoy coffee shops, restaurants, travel, movies, and other activities alone (as well as with others), and though circumstance may have jump-started and intensified these proclivities, I also choose them, again substantiated by the fact that I could choose otherwise.

I stand by the belief that one is more likely to close the gap on Truth and Wisdom with a proper mix (according to circumstance and opportunity) of cloistered learning and productive, interdependent synergy; (the latter not to be confused with having a beer with the gang - though that also has its place). I have been holding up my end of the cloistered learning, and have held my own in the communal beer department; but perhaps, ...perhaps I could seek a more active synergy...

If it weren't for me, I would not be a very nice person; (as it is, there are days...). It is true that there are many forces influencing my desire to be pleasant; from physical discomforts and ailments to dealing with difficult people and organizations to banalities such as the weather to some daily responsibilities and expectations to a plethora of other miscellaneous unplanned or unexpected annoyances and irritants. Like it or not, I am in many ways controlled by my environment. And (like it or not) there are many ways in which I can influence my environment, but (again, like it or not) to do so meaningfully requires work.

If it weren't for you I would never have realized that you care about me from a perspective (no matter the effort otherwise) of how I impact your environment; and I would never have realized that I care about you from a perspective (no matter the effort otherwise) of how you impact my environment. This is the nature of one's humanity. Please note that I did not say you 'only' care based on personal impact, or I 'only' care because it is all about me. Nonetheless we can only on occasion escape this mutual burden of personal humanity, and oftentimes we project this hardship onto others because we do not recognize it as personal baggage - it feels to me as if you should make the effort, and I am certain it feels to you as if the onus is on me. To meaningfully escape these narcissistic human tendencies requires a sense of introspective attentiveness and determined, incessant work.

Time is measured by passing events. When one speaks of wasting time, one is really saying that better choices could have or should have been made. Each one of us have certain actions or behaviors throughout our day that are regrettable in the sense that the outcomes are undesirable, inconsequential, or disappointing. Of course, the act of regret itself (once we have extracted the learning and growth) is regrettable. To make meaningful choices one must live in each moment, having learned from the past, with an eye to the future; this requires work.

Ninety percent of everything is crap. So to find the ten percent that is good, we must first wade through a lot of crap. To find something that is both good and cutting-edge is even rarer. This is why it is important to learn from history's greatest thinkers; those that have passed the test of time. That is not to say one should ignore new thinking; science is leaping and bounding (it seems) daily. There is considerably more than a Lifetime of information available to choose from, so how does one choose wisely? If one trusts their intuition, hones their crap-detecting skills, and keeps their head up to consider / explore diverging paths, there should be no wasted regret. To progress meaningfully in this manner requires diligent perseverance; (i.e. work).

There are many mundane tasks we accomplish with little thought; they seem automatic. There are some (paid) jobs that due to repetition, simplicity, or rules allow us to practice competence without meaningful comprehension. Sure, we may understand that we are 'part of the team' and that 'they' couldn't do it without us (and there is some truth here), but we often only understand what we are allowed to or what we choose to; we seldom see the big picture. Competence without comprehension is 'artificial intelligence' both literally and metaphorically. Competence with meaningful comprehension leading to a valuable contribution requires one to work.

Absolute determinism is possible, if you allow it. Those that claim 'nobody is ever responsible for anything they do' are correct, if we allow them to be. A herd mentality, unquestioning obedience, and oblivious ignorance will continue to nourish the egos of the powers that be, as long as the food supply remains plentiful. To meaningfully assert free will choices, in every potentially feasible circumstance, requires constant vigilance and hard work.

I will continue to work hard ...