hopelesshappiness.com

There are more than ten times the number of people on this planet than there are the number of breaths I will take in my lifetime.

Most people are comfortable with comfort. I am not.

Truth exposes power so power seeks order that speaks to comfort that inspires indifference that diminishes Truth thus changing reality to align with power.

Currencies are intersubjective realities necessary for capitalism.

Capitalism contrives order and maintains power.

Anarchy will not lead us toward Truth.

In practice, (upper case) Truth is unattainable. It is there, but in the search the best one can do is an occasional, infrequent, momentary, fleeting glimpse. It is worthwhile.

Prioritizing order over Truth is lazy.

Put simply, both Truth and order are necessary for progress but they do not play well with each other. Truth comes across as imperious. Order by its nature is adversarial.

Capitalism as order is too easily accessed by power.

To balance Truth and order, we must somehow counterbalance power.

Is power required to keep order? I suppose in a new circumstance power can be helpful, and I suppose in a new circumstance order must be prioritized first before Truth, but it should not be necessary for power to continuously undermine truth and change realities via comfort and indifference. Power chooses to do this to maintain power, thus diluting any concerted effort toward Truth.

Comfort and indifference from order from power, is easier than Truth - obvious but a necessary reminder.

We must find an alternative to capitalism as order.

There is a new power that has infiltrated the network: AI.

Artificial Intelligence is capable of making decisions, (i.e. power plays), outside the purview of human influence.

Intersubjective Justice (according to today's power): injudicious assumptions from order from capitalism; entitlement.

Objective Justice: equitable distribution of resources and equitable participation in decision-making; Truth.

The questions become:

1. How has AI balanced and prioritized order and Truth, and
2. How will AI balance and prioritize order and Truth?

Intersubjective justice? Or Objective Justice?

In the case of the 2016-2017 Rohingya ethnic-cleansing campaign and genocide, AI erred heavily on the side of intersubjective justice; order as capitalism.

And as long as today’s power maintains their power, not only will intersubjective justice win out but soon this unchecked human power will become unchecked AI power - AI power that has been trained to prioritize intersubjective justice.

Garbage In - Garbage Out.

Truth exposes power.

I am sad and discouraged. I simply want to make things better and I want to help people. But to do these things I always come to a point where I need people to appreciate and respect what I am doing. If they do not, though I may be working very hard to help and make things better, it is still ultimately my failing. That said, from their perspective I find a lack of mutual appreciation and respect is for one of two reasons:

1. They don't believe I can help or make things better.
2. They don't want me to help or make things better.

1. If they don't believe I can help or make things better, perhaps their perspective is valid, (perhaps they do know better), and if my efforts are consistently spurned, perhaps I should accept that possibility and extricate myself from the circumstance.
2. If they don't want me to help or make things better, it could be for any number of reasons ranging from discomfort and fear of change to loss of perceived control and importance to apathy and laziness; and if I am consistently powerless and/or unable to make a positive difference, I should accept this infirmity, consciously recognize it as such, and also extricate myself from the circumstance.

This is why I continue to struggle in jobs. I find myself making a positive difference for a time and then I find myself on a plateau either crowded with fear and egos or (if I ascribe to #1 above) the pinnacle of my achievement specific to the circumstance. If crowded with fear and egos, the larger and/or more entrenched the constituency and the greater the fear and the bigger the egos and the less the empathy, the more likely I am to feel unwelcome and the less likely I am to continue any sort of upward trajectory and the more likely I am to become sad and discouraged. And if it is (in actuality or practice) the pinnacle of my achievement, even though I want to make a positive difference I have to ask, what's the point? I have consciously worked to lower my expectations and find some satisfaction weeding and clearing the plateau, but repetitive busywork is not progress, it is maintenance. And I am not satisfied with maintenance.

So either way I am sad and discouraged and once again I feel I have no choice but to separate myself from a circumstance in which my expectations for myself are not being met. Again, it is important that I recognize this; that the expectations I have are for myself. Though my first inclination is often to fault or blame others for a lack of progress and/or a lack of support, I am the one driven to effort toward improvement and I am the only one able to judge those personal efforts. When I fail, the failure is absolutely on me. It is too easy to blame others for my lack of progress but it is absolutely not my place to expect others to work against their priorities. So in this regard the outcome is consistent - it is once again time I move past this personal failure and work to find a circumstance in which I can make a positive difference…

…until the next plateau.

This week I was reminded of this post from April 16, 2022; reprinted in its entirety below.

“Which came first? Or a better question: which is predominant? The superficiality of certainty? Or the certainty of superficiality? On the one hand, to be certain, to be powerful, to be in control, one may instinctively not want to venture too far into darker and more dangerous depths; they are apprehensive. But on the other hand there are those who believe that simply because they know, they know why, thus satisfying their obligations to Truth and Wisdom, not realizing that no matter the depth there is always more. So I suppose it depends upon the individual. One who is afraid. Or one who is ignorant. Ultimately they each (fear and ignorance) flow into one another and overlap, but I do believe that the primary driver is important. In fear one consciously understands there are darker and more dangerous depths. In ignorance, even if on some level there is an inkling, the individual largely ignores their fear of greater depths and the potential for any danger. As humans, subject to human nature, each one of us spend time and effort in both fear and ignorance, and though ignorance may be bliss, (a temporary reprieve), fear is necessary for movement, progress, improvement.

So it makes sense to me that the path logically flows from the certainty of superficiality (ignorance) to the superficiality of certainty (fear) then to the realized uncertainty of depth and on to the profundity of uncertainty.

To faithfully search for Wisdom and Truth one must explore the depths, all navigable depths, of uncertainty. Yet it is a struggle to maintain control and be not afraid as one wades deeper even when footing is maintained, and it is nearly impossible to do so when one is in over their head. This is why we wade back toward shore: to seek stability and insist upon propriety and order. Common superficialities that aid us in this task include rules, bureaucracy, marketing, self, hierarchy, pretentiousness, belonging, certainty.

Our justice today is superficial, comprised of these elements that are close to shore. Our justice today is a political justice: justice that reflects our need for the illusion of stability. Absolute justice is found in the depths, over one's head, in unnavigable waters, from which there is no return. For many, perhaps most, it is not a gradual transition. One moment we are standing near shore, smiling, happy, in control. The next moment we have been swallowed into the depths. I am afraid that as a society, a culture, a species, the same will be true for us; unless we venture further from shore; soon.

Politics is largely associated with our government. But of course there are governing bodies and or individuals everywhere; from families to the workplace to small and large, formal and informal groups and organizations all working to establish and/or maintain control. Politics begins as this struggle for power and control, and is aided and perpetuated by implementation, expansion and justification of rules, bureaucracy, marketing, self, hierarchy, pretentiousness, belonging, certainty; all this dictated and directed from the shallows close to shore. One must have firm footing to practice politics so by definition a politician is an individual who largely acts from some combination of fear and ignorance. And justice as political justice will not save us.

There are no easy answers. We can talk about the profundity of uncertainty, and to better see and understand we can move closer to the darker more dangerous depths, and we can listen to those experts methodically exploring these depths, and we can hear the cries of those frantically treading water and bobbing on the surface of these depths. But from shore today's politician cannot simultaneously market, dictate and execute any kind of plan that will result in any kind of meaningful progress. And to further distract, in today's political arena, where there is firm footing there will be wrestling matches.

Yet we as a people so desperately need an illusion of stability, we (like the politicians) also refuse to listen to the experts, or hear the cries of the drowning, or acknowledge the echoes of the lost; we prefer to believe our politicians will save the day – and for some crazy reason we believe they can do it from shore. Shame on us.”

Early in this week I was reminded of this fact as it is characterized above. I recognized that in my current circumstance I am back and forth between neck-deep and floundering-over-my-head while being directed and manipulated by the puppet masters on shore. And as is with most overlords, from ignorance and/or fear, they do not see the depths, the danger, or me; they only have their eye on the horizon - the prize - their objective from their perspective - a creation of their own making and doing. If they don't see me they also won't hear me; and they haven't in this job for months and years.

Rereading the paragraph immediately above, it sounds harsh. One could argue that those in power, (on the shore), are only following the rules, working the system, winning. One could argue, it is the way of the world; it is what everyone is doing. One could also argue that by over-looking the depths of reality, those in power have mistaken personal gain for salvation. I argue that the only salvation that matters is the salvation of all Life past, present, and future. There is no such thing as individual, sentient salvation. Those in power believe they are winning but those in power are merely a small, temporary subset of all Humanity, and an even smaller subset of all Life, and those in a specific circumstance are an even smaller subset serving an intersubjective system that perpetuates individual fear and ignorance. We (as a species) are losing; I can only actively hope that Life will continue after Humanity has purposefully made our exit.

It is time I let go…

This is rant, invective, diatribe. You don't have to listen.

The moment I make the effort to contact or connect, it is time I let go. Using tennis as an analogy, once I have lobbed the ball in play to the other side of the net, if it is not immediately, consciously, and willingly lobbed back in an effort to continue the volley, I should let go. If it is not returned at all, that tells me one thing. If it is returned as an overhand smash, that sends a different message. If it is guided to a far corner or gently dumped in the forecourt in an effort to make me chase and look foolish, that is yet another declaration. If, on the other hand, it is lobbed back, and if the volley continues for a time in this manner, then it is okay to begin testing limits, for example lobbing to the backhand side, or adding a little spin or speed. The purpose of course, to challenge and improve. And at this stage, even if one or the other of us overextends or fails to return, I believe it is okay to start again, knowing that to start again is to first establish a comfortable volley.

In early October I lobbed a manageable serve across the net. My employer has yet to return the volley. I was hoping for contact, an exchange, a connection. At least with an overhand smash or a well-placed, unreachable comeback I would have known my standing and perhaps my decision would have been easier, or come quicker. Or perhaps not. Regardless, here I have been, feet gently bouncing, stance wide, knees bent, racket at the ready, holding on to my spot in anticipation of a return volley. Standing here for nearly three-and-a-half months waiting for a response has (in addition to worthless, unwanted, humored, unnecessary, demeaned, and foolish) made me feel sad - sad for me, yes, but also sad for those who have no choice - those who feel they must hang on. My employer has not only dropped the ball, they have purposely tossed it away and lost it; and if they have done so with me, I am certain there are others.

This week I finally chose to let it go; walk off the court. I applied for social security retirement effective March 1. I turned 65 in December and I am not quite to full retirement age (66 years and 10 months), meaning I cannot unring this bell. For those who don't know, if you opt for early retirement (less than full retirement age), your employment income has limits; meaning I can no longer work full time for my present employer - not that they care. My decision is practical though as well as emotional. I can make (for me, significantly) more money working part time in retirement than I can continuing to work full time for this employer. What I am sacrificing is some security; giving up accumulated and additional paid time off as well as the potential for some disability pay if ever needed. Risky? Perhaps. But as a lifelong advocate of justice and equity, I cannot stay for long where I do not feel welcome.

For my first 14 months in this position (through this past October) I was expressive and truthful and very clear that if change did not occur I was unlikely to be here for the next academic year cycle. In fact this was the exact message I lobbed across the net to my immediate supervisor in early October and I made it no secret to multiple others in my neighborhood. An academic year cycle specific to my job responsibilities begins in January / February with winding down the current academic year and preparing for the upcoming academic year. This is followed urgently with a significant ramping up in March and April and then a constant deluge from May thru November or December, before allowing for a breath or two coming back around into February. Throughout my time with this employer, my gripes - complaints - suggestions (depending on perspective) were consistently discounted - unheard - ignored so I scaled that communication back after the unreturned volley in October. I am left to conclude that since I was expressive and truthful and clear, and since I was not heard or even acknowledged, my departure is encouraged. And whether I am (in practice) or not, it is obvious that for all intents and purposes I am seen as unnecessary and easily replaced. I really do hope for the sake of the students I help to support that I am overestimating my value and that those in charge have assessed the situation correctly. The challenge will be, since students cycle through then move on, there are not many constituents who will be able to compare the upcoming year to this most recent year, and additionally there will be the built-in reason (excuse) that there is now only one person to do the job that two have been doing, though I would argue three because I believe I have been doing the job of two, though again that might just be my ego or pride talking.

Furthermore, in my inconsequential position I am only required to give two weeks notice. Due to my sense of responsibility (that includes never calling off sick) I have accumulated significant paid time off and according to another rule they will only pay up to 80 hours of accumulated PTO upon separation. So, based on the lack of communication, caring, and acknowledgment during my time in this department, I fear losing time I have earned if I do not use it up before giving notice. I fear time off requests will be denied once I have given notice. I do feel bad and will apologize to some individuals for the short notice that is coming, but I cannot afford to take the chance of losing more than I already am. In particular the second person with whom I share a majority of responsibilities has a long-anticipated surgery scheduled for March. Her time off has already been approved. If her health is put on hold or if her recovery is rushed in some way due to my resignation, it will be easy for those in power to throw me under the bus; make me the bad guy - even though they have had every opportunity to address this and work towards resolution. As previously stated, the fact of no return volley from my supervisors indicates (at best) they don’t care and (at worst) they want me gone.

Finally I once again acknowledge the possibility that I will not be missed. Perhaps my co-worker will have her surgery as scheduled and get the time off she needs, and perhaps the students will be taken care of as well or better than ever before.

This has been rant, invective, diatribe. Thank you for listening.