hopelesshappiness.com

The following quotes are not exact quotes, but they are an accurate representation of the progression of responses I received as I've worked through a recent/ongoing health challenge. These observations do not in any way detract from the quality of care I ultimately received or the professionalism of those who provided that care.

"We don't know what may cause it, but we think (this)... So no, that is not a factor."

"Based on your description, this sounds like it's probably nothing to worry about; but if it gets worse, call us back, or go to an emergency room."

"Based on your description, this sounds like it's probably nothing to worry about; but if it gets worse, call us back, or go to an emergency room."

"In the future, since it appears your symptoms are stable, before you come to the emergency room you should probably call your doctor's office to see if they want it treated as an emergency."

"You have a 95% blockage in the right coronary artery, and a 75% blockage in another artery. It's a good thing you came in when you did."

"I am impressed that you are so attuned to your body, and you understand what it is telling you."

"You are required to watch this movie, and then I am required to go over these discharge materials, including possible side effects of your medicines, precautions, warning signs, do's and don'ts for when you get home, diet recommendations... ... ... ... ..." (90 minutes later) "... ... ... So, if you have any questions, experience any of the issues we've discussed, or feel the slightest discomfort DO NOT hesitate to call your doctor's office or come to the emergency room."

The litigiously bureaucratic nature of our society has encouraged overly-cautious medical professionals and health-care administrators (including the insurance industry); which in turn has created a slightly-neurotic, health-obsessed public; which in turn has created overworked, jaded medical professionals who only have time for prevailing opinion; and these factors all combined have created a difficult-to-navigate (yet very interesting) dynamic between all parties seeking or providing or administering or paying for or in any way (even peripherally) involved in health care.

This same dynamic can be found in our recent/ongoing "us and them" desire for conformity in teaching and learning.

"We cannot fill in all the gaps, but we believe (this)... So, no, your doubts, thoughts, and questions are not valid."

"This sounds like it is irrelevant, but if your doubts continue, please come back to talk to us, or refer to this book or that expert."

"This sounds like it is irrelevant, but if your doubts continue, please come back to talk to us, or refer to this book or that expert."

"In the future, since it appears your questions are unanswerable and contradictory to our teachings, you should probably refer to this book or that expert, before creating such an uproar."

"You have a significant point in an interesting direction, and you have some valid questions. I agree that it is time we searched for different answers."

"I am impressed that you think outside the box, and that you are open to all possibilities."

"You are required to watch this movie, and then I am required to teach these materials that will instill a sense of respect and empathy for those who are not us."

Yes, this is progress; but we still commonly differentiate between us and them. We must continue to cycle (and I believe we will) until we reach:

"You are required to watch this movie, and I am required to teach this history of humanity, going back to a time when we believed in fractious isolationism and group divisiveness; a time before we recognized and harnessed the power of global interdependence and found a universally-beneficial common ground based on reason."

From dictionary.com - Accomplishment: 1. An act or instance of carrying into effect; fulfillment; 2. Something done admirably or creditably; 3. Anything accomplished; deed; achievement; 4. Any acquired ability or knowledge.

This week I have been rather lethargic and uninspired. Physically, it has been a very tough week. So, in some ways the simple act of thinking and writing in a semi-coherent manner is a greater accomplishment than in some weeks when more numerous deeds were fulfilled in a more creditable or admirable manner. But how is that judged? If I am the judge, then I can take circumstance into account and subjectively judge lesser objective accomplishment as greater achievement. But at the end of one's Life, though one may be given some benefit of doubt (especially from loved ones), ultimately, one's legacy---(a summation of accomplishment)---will be judged objectively.

This week I am experiencing a heavy, achy, clammy spirit. From a subjective perspective, I have accomplished much and performed admirably and creditably. From an objective perspective, I have accomplished little and performed just enough to get by.

The following is modeled after Samuel Taylor Coleridge's The Rime of the Ancient Mariner (Part 1 and Part 2) with exact (or very near) quotes denoted by quotation marks and italics.

The Lament of the Ancient Derelict

Part 1

1. It is an ancient Derelict
Who posts here once a week
With gray-flecked beard, and fiery eye
Fool tongue trapped in his cheek.

2. The Internet was open wide
A platform for his talk
No one arrived; no one to hear
No one to point and gawk.

3. He paid no never mind to this
Each week he kept on talking
Unjustified; there's some would say
Twas he, he kept on mocking.

4. He works to grab them with his wit
His savvy and his cool
He listens to his echoed tripe
The Derelict still the Fool.

5. No one to hear; no one to scoff
No one to contradict
"And thus spake on that ancient man"
The wild-eyed Derelict.

6. The Truth was cheered, and Wisdom sought
Tied up with Happiness
All tempered with reality
And shadowed Hopelessness.

7. His journey thus began alone
Armed with his bow and sword
Those few he asked to come along
Refused to come aboard.

8. 'To Hell with them,' he stayed the path
With faith that he'd persuade.
But thoughts and words unheard left him
Discouraged and dismayed.

9. Nonetheless, he rambled on
And found some rough terrain
A rocky, stumbling path that brought
Adversity and pain.

10. The path thus far; what was to come
No gypsy could predict
"And thus spake on that ancient man"
The wild-eyed Derelict.

11. Scraped and bruised he fell and crawled
And fought and cried and cursed
Driven by his need to slake
His hunger and his thirst.

12. A storm came up; the wind did howl
The rain came down like lead
Yet he could not, despite the fray
Leave unheard words unsaid
So driven on he hunkered down
"And southward aye he fled."

13. Or so he thought, but there was ice
And snow and sleet and cold
A land outside of time and place?
A mystery to unfold.

14. He felt the heat of eyes on him
He felt a chill most strange
The land was deathly calm and still
He called out for exchange.

15. "At length did cross an Albatross"
Were these the eyes so feared?
A bird that brought good luck, some thought,
Put gray into the beard.

16. He heard the cracking ice retort
A loud-sharp pang of sound
He felt the bird nearby as he
Traversed the slippery ground.

17. He found his way to trees and bush
The Albatross perched near
Sheltered from the ice and snow
The bird congealed his fear.

18. But with a fire and newfound warmth
A sudden melancholy
Reminded him of distant dreams
The fool and his folly.

19. He eyed the bird and questioned all
He pondered how and why
He saw that bird for what it was
Superstition that must die.

20. "Truth save thee, ancient Derelict
From the fiends that plague thee thus!---
Why look'st thou so?---With sword and bow
He slew the ALBATROSS."

Part 2

21. The sun now rose assuring him
That it was meant to be
The bird had died in search of Truth
Though some would disagree

22. Those who refused to come aboard
He felt their presence near
Their judgment weighing down on him
Their cocksure cloak of fear.

23. "And he had done a hellish thing,
And it would work 'em woe:
For all averred, he had killed the bird"
That put them in the know
"Ah wretch! said they, the bird to slay,"
That put them in the know.

24. Of course, it was imaginings
He heard within his head
Those very same who would not hear
Now filled him with cold dread
The spirit voice of all as one
Those past and those ahead.

25. But No! He argued with himself
He must stay skeptical
To question why; to seek the Truth;
No time to gather wool.

26. So in this melancholy state
He traveled on again
To lands of people he once knew
A place where he'd once been.

27. But he had changed, and they had not
They did not understand
For they'd found comfort and good cheer
In this, their candied land.

28. He looked around and saw great things
Much Beauty and some Truth
But they lived day to day, to daze
Hypnotically uncouth.

29. Knowledge, knowledge, every where,
And all the minds did shrink;
Knowledge, knowledge, every where,
Yet no one dared to drink.

30. He caught a whiff of stagnant rot
He glimpsed a glimpse obscene
He felt the crawl of slimy things
That oozed a slimy sheen.

31. But no one else took heed or note
"The death-fires danced at night;"
Bewitched by powers beyond their ken
Bedeviled by their fright.

32. They lived a dream of mice, not men
Caught up in this, their maze
Unwilling to besmirch their hope
Or venture from their haze.

33. So in daylight the Derelict
Commenced to lift the shroud
From o'er the bird that died for Truth;
A silence choked the crowd.

34. "Ah! Well a-day! What evil looks
Had he by old and young!
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
Around his neck was hung."

Life is wondrous. Or did I mean to say, futile? Perhaps it is most accurate to say, "Life is wondrously futile." If I saw Life as only wondrous, I would be deluding myself. If I saw Life as only futile, I would give up. Yes - "Wondrously futile" is most accurate.  After four years of weekly posts on a site called 'Hopeless Happiness' - it appears that I have not yet resolved my dilemma. Some might say that I am looking in all the wrong places; though what they might mean is that I should not be looking at all. Why search for Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness, when I can pretend? Dress-up and make-believe is so much less work; and so much more fun!

Yet, I don't believe one can fully appreciate the beauty of wonder, without first looking into the snaggle-toothed, malodorous jaws of futility.

And it is with this thought that I approached a survey this week. Respondents were asked to list:

1. Five ideas and skills you think all college students should learn;
2. Five persons (living or dead) you would want all college students to know;
3. Five places you think all college students should visit;
4. Five musical or artistic performances you think all college students should see; and
5. Five books you think all college students should read.

In addition to (and parallel with) the wondrous futility of Life, I also limited my answers to meaningful, personal experience; which, of course, means I was not able to recommend visiting the South of France or attending an opera performance, amongst many, many other potentially wondrous possibilities outside of my personal realm of experience and/or knowledge.

Here we go...

Five Ideas and Skills:

1. Thoughtful and respectful skepticism.
2. The ability to say "I Don't Know" in a sincere effort to learn.
3. Moderation / Healthy Habits.
4. Empathic Listening.
5. How to make a good pot of Gumbo.

Five People:

1. Yourself.
2. Albert Einstein.
3. Thomas Jefferson.
4. Genghis Khan.
5. Plato or Aristotle (according to your preference).

Five Places:

1. Your Neighborhood; (you define neighborhood).
2. The Neighborhood you'd least like to visit.
3. A Warm, Sunny Beach.
4. Restaurants offering authentic cultural cuisine.
5. South Louisiana.

Five Musical or Artistic Performances:

1. The Talking Heads (film) Stop Making Sense.
2. Cirque du Soleil.
3. The Band (film) The Last Waltz.
4. Street performers / musicians in New Orleans.
5. The film Leonard Cohen - I'm Your Man.

Five Books:

1. Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond.
2. The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker.
3. The Girl Who Sang to the Buffalo by Kent Nerburn.
4. Zeitoun by Dave Eggers.
5. Thank You For Arguing by Jay Heinrichs.

I believe the experiences above to represent a small (but meaningful) cross-section of the wondrous futility of Life.

I know, 'Futile' is a very strong word; and in the narrow context of self-centered individual purpose, it is exactly the right word. If I work to save myself, I will ultimately disregard the world, and this effort will in no way significantly-delay or prevent the inevitable end of my earthly days; therefore I cannot work to save myself. But if I work to save the world, (the world that has an opportunity to continue beyond me), I believe there is a chance that I might (perhaps accidentally) save myself along the way. Of course it is pretentious and preposterous for me to think that I may save the world - but it gives me purpose.

This week I overheard two individuals, both with jobs in the same field, discussing their chosen profession. Both agreed that they wanted to move up into positions of more responsibility. One said (paraphrasing), 'because I have faced hardships few others have experienced, I want to fulfill my dream of becoming a role model that anyone can confide in. I want to fight for individual's rights, teach others self-worth and acceptance, and I want to erase unfairness and eliminate injustice.' The other one said (still paraphrasing), 'I want to be a director because I am tired of being on the front lines.'

One is fresh and shiny - the other is tired and tarnished.

One is idealistic and trusting - the other is jaded and cynical.

One is going to save the world - the other is going to let her.

One is 21 years old - the other is 51 years old.

I have been working hard to glean meaning from this encounter - to gain understanding beyond what is obvious in the contrast above...

... ... ... ... ...

Though it does feel superficial and obvious, perhaps it really is simply an interpretation of reality. If individual reality is a passage beginning in cramped, dark bewilderment perhaps 'the one' has simply come upon a cavernous prescience of sunshine and possibility, and 'the other one' is feeling constricted by the narrowing proximity of walls. Perhaps this recognition of differing realities can serve as an incitement to seek a common ground for collaboration. And perhaps from there a synergistic bond will be formed that can move us forward more efficiently.

But as I consider this, I ask if perhaps differing realities may be necessary for balance and continuing progress. There is a need for innocent, active hope, and there is a need for skeptical, functional restraint; a fusion of the two may be counterproductive, but the two working in conjunction may be effective. If we spend our energy pulling the one into a reality that may discourage and dampen, and dragging the other one back into the sunshine of ignorance, we are not spending energy on progress. I believe a common ground to be advantageous on many levels, but one must willfully choose to seek it, and then act of their own volition to occupy it. To do otherwise (I believe) may go against the natural inclinations of one's humanity, which will in turn hinder progress.

So the challenge lies in learning and understanding the advantages of common ground and shared vision. There are (at this moment) 7,361,261,449 differing realities on this planet; yet we all do share at least one common ground - that being this planet. That acknowledgement is a start...

... ... ... ... ...

So to this point in my thought, I have reminded myself to actively appreciate a diversity of individual realities by respectfully acknowledging their necessary contributions and by seeking common ground. All good; but have I gained any new, higher, and/or deeper levels of understanding?...

... ... ... ... ...

...No.

Perhaps this week I simply needed a reminder...

... ... ... ... ...

...Or, upon re-examination, and after a brief detour down a dark dead end, filled with monsters, maybe yes...

...The phrase 'sunshine of ignorance' was not carelessly or derogatorily tossed into the fray above. There is an energy and light to be found in ignorance and perhaps it is here where I can transcend. One person cannot save the world, and most attempts in this regard are reasonably looked upon as futile and naive. But there is a strength in shared ignorance. Speaking for myself, I suffer no shortage of ignorance. Looking around, I believe this to be a widespread reality. So why do we choose to fragment that strength, when instead we could choose to combine forces on a common ground of ignorance? If it is because we are afraid to acknowledge that ignorance, this fear (as it manifests into certainty) continues to add new layers of hardened ignorance ultimately creating an impenetrable shield of delusional comfort.

To some extent these new thoughts are also a reminder. But I believe (at least for me) I have added some new perspectives and levels to the concept of ignorance. These new complexities range from ignorant / divisive ignorance at one end of the spectrum to the shared strength of a globally productive ignorance at the other end, with many gradations between. Perhaps we should all voluntarily regress to a shared gradation of productive ignorance at the upper end of this spectrum.

Fresh and Shiny is Good.