hopelesshappiness.com

"I will miss you."

"Thank you. I believe you will."

"I will."

"That makes me smile."

"Who will I talk to when I want to talk to you?"

"I won't be gone."

"You won't be here."

"No. But... think for a moment of your favorite film; or book passage; or piece of music; one that, when you're alone, brings tears."

"Okay."

"When it is over, and you are sitting by yourself, what do you hear?"

"Nothing?"

"What else?"

"Silence?"

"What else?"

"An echo."

"Go on."

"In my head. It reverberates. I remember."

"And then?"

"And then, I cry a little more. And then I smile. And then I get up and I move on."

"When I am gone, that's how you will talk to me. I will be there... in the echo."

"How will I hear what you are saying?"

"You'll have to listen closely. You'll feel the reverberation."

"I'm afraid."

"I am too."

"Are you afraid of dying?"

"Of course. Part of me."

"What else?"

"What else am I afraid of?"

"Yes."

"Inconsequentiality."

"How do you overcome that?"

"Some days I don't. But I can remind myself that I believe I am part of the whole, and in that big picture, no single individual is any more or any less necessary than any other individual."

"I like that thought. What else?"

"I am afraid of my anger."

"Why?"

"Because even though it can serve as a springboard to action, it can also impair my ability to reason."

"Which is more important?"

"Between action and reason?"

"Yes."

"I don't know."

"What else are you afraid of?"

"I used to be afraid of not knowing."

"What changed?"

"I realized there are many, many things I will never know. To be afraid of not knowing seems a waste of energy. So instead, now I'm afraid of people who pretend to know."

"Why?"

"Because maybe they're not pretending."

"What else?"

"I'm afraid it's too late."

"Too late for what."

"Not for what---for who?"

"Then, for who?"

"For us."

"For me and you?"

"No... for humanity."

"Why? What's going to happen?"

"I don't know. ...The future."

"What can I do?"

"Find your place."

"How do I do that?"

"You have to figure that out. I believe you have to choose and create, or at least define your own meaning and purpose."

"What did you do?"

"To find myself?"

"Yes."

"Truthfully, I am still looking. But most consistently, I have worked hard."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. I have always searched for answers; and as I've gotten older, I have asked more and more questions."

"Did you find answers?"

"Yes... ...No. Mostly of late, I have just found more questions."

"So you are still looking for answers and for yourself, but did you find your place?"

"Yes. I am here with you."

"I mean, in the world."

"Now... Here... With you... This is the world."

"What will you miss?"

"You."

"Besides me; besides people."

"Music. And books. And coffee shops. And walking... ...especially walking to coffee shops. And Beauty. Maybe, mostly Beauty."

"There's lots of Beauty. But I see lots of ugliness too."

"That's okay. The ugliness makes the Beauty more striking; and more meaningful."

"Yes. I see that. I think you mean that we need opposites for balance; right?"

"I think so. Yes. If we were only comfortable; or if we always thought everything was Perfect; I think that would be boring. I can't avoid pain; so I choose to embrace it when it comes, and maybe I can learn from it. Some people try to ignore it."

"What have you learned from pain?"

"That it's okay to make mistakes."

"What else?"

"That sometimes I prefer pain. For example, the pain and difficulty of truthfulness, over the comfort of pretentious courtesy."

"Wow."

"Yeah. I've been saving that one."

"So, why?"

?"Why do I prefer truthfulness?"

"Yes."

"Because I believe it has more potential."

"Potential for what?"

"For productivity. For learning and growth. For building relationships; and discouraging divisiveness."

"But what if I don't agree? What if your truthfulness creates problems? Or causes divisiveness?"

"It could. That's when we negotiate. Or I can fall back to being nice."

"Do you ever just stop speaking to someone if negotiation doesn't work?"

"First, if I don't let my anger drive me away, I'll try just being nice. But yes; sometimes people fall away. And depending on how important they are to me, sometimes I let them."

"I think I see. By being nice, you can hang on and maybe negotiate later."

"Yes. There is that. But also, I could be wrong. And if I see that I'm wrong, then the negotiation could turn toward their truth."

"So if each one of us can have our own truth, how do we ever find an actual Truth?"

"I don't believe we can. Today's truth is a matter of negotiation. Tomorrow's truth will be a different negotiation with a different outcome. My truthfulness is different from upper-case Truth in that my truthfulness is only a reflection of what I think; or believe; and then sometimes I verbalize and/or act upon it."

"And it changes."

"Yes. Often from one moment to the next. I am in constant negotiation with myself."

"That sounds wearing."

"Yes. It is. But it can also be rewarding."

"Wouldn't it be easier to just decide and know?"

"Yes. It would."

"But you say you could be wrong."

"True."

"So how do you know?"

"I don't."

"Okay. I think you're saying that uncertainty is important."

"In a sense, yes. I believe uncertainty is reality, and I believe reality is uncertain. But you have to decide for yourself; because again, I could be wrong."

"So much uncertainty... it's discouraging."

"But I'm not saying we "are" wrong. I'm just saying we have to allow for that possibility. If we don't, we may stop asking questions; and we may stop searching; and then we may stop learning. That, for me, is more discouraging."

"So there is hope?"

"I believe there is."

"Where?"

"In the echo."

"I'm still afraid."

"I am too."

"I Love You."

"I Love You too."

Terry Eagleton, in his newest book "Hope without Optimism" says, "A future that could be adequately captured in the language of the present would be too complicit with the status quo, and so would scarcely count as a genuine future at all."

I agree.

Last week I said, "the status quo is obsolete."

But to move beyond the status quo, one must look to the future; yet one can only do so in the present moment---with "the language of the present." Regardless, we cannot help but to continue to look to the future. As I consider this quandary of how to consider the future in the present, I see the window that we look through to be one of either hope or despair. This is the same window. And we all have the same view; one of uncertainty. Hope or despair depends upon individual perspective and interpretation. You may see a glorious panorama; I may see a dark wood. You may see sunshine and flowers; I may see clouds and rough terrain. You may see the surface serenity of a placid lake; I may see the cold turmoil of a monstrous depth. You may see endless possibility; I may see the edge of an abyss. You may see the warmth of welcoming crowds; I may see the solitude of a lonely path. You may see safety in numbers; I may see the desolate challenge of endless possibility.

If one sees hope through this window, their hope can further be differentiated as active or passive.

In "this post" in September I characterized "active hope" as an expenditure of "thoughtfully persistent effort for progressively higher Truths."

In that same post in September I characterized "passive hope" as any unquestioning belief that will "sentence oneself to a Life of lazy, trite security for some measure of comfort."

Despair can also be differentiated as active or passive, differing from hope in that passive despair will sentence one to a Life of docile, vexatious insecurity leading to chronic discomfort.

I would characterize one side of active despair as having the potential to encourage an expenditure of "thoughtfully persistent effort for progressively higher Truths."

But active despair may also turn dark; and ugly.

So one must focus, expending effort, to ensure that active despair, like active hope, will lead one to see a potential for possibility. Some would say that this mode of despair is more realistic. Others would say that hope is more productively beneficial. I would say the more significant distinction is one's choice of active or passive.

Typically, most would agree that one's hope or despair is future oriented. I would argue that passive hope and passive despair are situated firmly in the present, perhaps looking toward the future, but from a sitting position, waiting for it to come to them.

Regardless, because hope and the future are so intimately intertwined, just as I cannot know the future, I also cannot know the ultimate manifestation of genuine hope. If I am able to lucidly explain my ultimate hope or hopes for all of humanity, with any amount of certainty and/or conviction, I am likely practicing passive hope.

And in this same vein, just because despair and the future are so intimately intertwined, does not mean that I cannot know the ultimate manifestation of genuine despair. If I put forth the effort to lucidly explain my personal hopelessness and despair to another, with painful sincerity, I am practicing active despair; which may lead to active hope.

To succumb to silence is to risk knowing the ultimate manifestation of genuine despair. To succumb to silence, is not "active." But to act on silent despair may become dark; and ugly; and dangerous.

Last week I determined that I must loudly build creative, constructive tension. This week I have reinforced the necessity of vocal action to prompt thoughtful confrontation, negotiation, and growth. This week I have, (more poignantly than I can remember having done so before), seen the danger in silent despair.

Any individual who is in a position of responsibility, (regardless of how that responsibility is come by), should not be surprised when they are held responsible. I think it is a great thing when a person of privilege, in a position of power, is reminded of their responsibility. This week, the President of the University of Missouri, was reminded of his responsibility. He is now the former President. Though I am in the same town, I am working with the same over-hyped slant of various media outlets available to the world, and some minimal local scuttlebutt; therefore I remain far removed from the realities of this happening. But I can comment on responsibility, and by doing so I actively hope to come to a more complete understanding of how and why situations such as this continue to occur.

By "situations such as this" I refer to circumstance in which a pedestal of power and prestige is occupied by a person of privilege who (for whatever reason) loses sight of his or her responsibility. From experience and observation, looking up from below, it often appears that said potentate is paying little or no attention to the plebeian masses. And this leads to my first observation: a large majority of situations such as this go unreported and/or result in no change, thus solidifying the power of privilege. And though I do applaud and wholeheartedly approve of the result in this case, the way it came about elucidates the potential for frequent injustice in more mundane, everyday circumstance. It is one of the saddest comments, specific to the situation at the University of Missouri, that an individual was in the 8th day of a hunger strike before the University responded to the pressure of a potential loss of more than one million dollars. From my limited perspective, it appears that there was no official response for the first few days of the hunger strike, but once the football team (and the almighty dollar) got involved, Mr. Wolfe began to huff and puff, the University officially took note of the proceedings, and a mere two days later we have change and the potential for some progress. If the situation was a reality upon the threat of lost revenue, the situation was a reality before the threat of lost revenue. Most of us undistinguished lumps do not have access to a million dollar threat in order to polarize attention and bring down pedestals; and so, most of us are seen, but not heard. Regardless though of how it is (thoughtfully and nonviolently) done, it is cause for some celebration to see a pedestal toppled.

Four months ago, in the post Humoring Happiness, I considered the topic of responsibility. I asked, "Is a personal responsibility a burden of obligation? Or is it an opportunity for reasoned growth?" I differentiated between "a responsibility for" which (for me) implies "ownership and control," and "a responsibility to" which suggests "the necessity of volitional action." I believe in this instance, Mr. Wolfe and University Officials mistakenly believed they were responsible for the University, but they discovered that they were unable to control that which they did not own.

In the aforementioned previous post, I ultimately determined that "I cannot be completely responsible for another individual, but I can be responsible to others through willing actions." I made a list (below) of those actions that I felt (and still feel) are most pertinent to my personal well-being, and most likely to benefit those with whom I have developed a connection with and/or an affinity toward; which, truthfully, should be all of humanity, and in the case of Mr. Wolfe, should have (first and foremost) been the entire student body.

I have a responsibility...

• to actively care for my physical health;
• to perpetuate lifelong learning;
• to contribute productively;
• to grow spiritually;
• to question everything;
• to compassionately listen for understanding;
• to be truthful;
• to maintain a sense of humor;
• to minimize harm;
• to seek personal, familial, communal, global, and universal reconciliation.

Mr. Wolfe and the University of Missouri, (in more ways than one), failed in their responsibilities to the students and to the community.

It is comforting that my written thought from four months ago is reasonably applicable to a reality; but comfort is not something one should aspire toward, as vividly illustrated by the recent reality at the University of Missouri. In his "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wrote,

"Nonviolent direct action seeks to create such a crisis and establish such creative tension that a community that has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue... I must confess that I am not afraid of the word, tension. I have earnestly worked and preached against violent tension, but there is a type of constructive tension that is necessary for growth... the purpose of direct action is to create a situation so crisis-packed that it will inevitably open the door to negotiation."

Creative tension is what occurred at the University of Missouri, and it is this creative tension that each one of us should aspire toward. A body at rest, (such as a person of privilege, in their comfort zone, on a pedestal of power), will remain at rest, until an outside force, (such as creative tension), acts upon it. These realizations call for an additional responsibility:

I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO BUILD CREATIVE, CONSTRUCTIVE TENSION!!

So far, I have failed in carrying out this responsibility. The remainder of this week's written thought will be a consideration of this additional responsibility.

Creative, constructive tension is composed of nonviolent direct action, mutual confrontation, negotiation, and growth.

If one faithfully observes and practices one's responsibility to question everything, creative, constructive tension will come into being and reside within the individual, thus creating a larger area of common ground and encouraging more rapid mutual understanding and beneficence; and perhaps discouraging unnecessary, destructive divisiveness.

Creative, constructive tension does not have to be, (and in many or most cases, will not be) polite.

Violence and/or threats of violence is to creative, constructive tension as stupidity and ignorance is to reasonable, respectful discourse.

Stupidity is grown-up ignorance. Ignorance is immature stupidity. Each and every one of us is naturally blessed with a plentiful, ready supply of ignorance. The challenge is to outgrow ignorance before it becomes entrenched as stupidity. Each one of us should face this challenge daily by building creative, constructive tension.

If the responsibility to question everything is an incubator for creative tension, then the responsibility to seek reconciliation is its active embodiment; active in that it requires one to continue to question all aspects of any proposed reconciliation, which in turn forces a continuing buildup of creative tension.

I feel like I am and/or could be adept at nonviolent direct action, negotiation, and growth. But (lacking a million dollars) how does one force necessary confrontation? Without mutual confrontation, creative tension is endangered. To yell loudly only seems to earn one a label as an impolite crank, but I have also had very little success as a polite subversive. Perhaps it is time to be loud and impolite.

Perhaps by focusing on creative, constructive tension, this recently-recognized, loud and impolite responsibility will aid in resolving conflict between other responsibilities.

To build creative, constructive tension feels both urgent and important. To disrupt power and privilege, and to topple pedestals feels necessary. The status quo is obsolete.

If it is necessary to force confrontation, and if my only choices to do so are:

1. a million dollars; and/or
2. to be loud and impolite;

then perhaps it is time to be loud and impolite.

I will take a day to brainstorm other possible methods for building creative, constructive tension.

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

In this past 24 hours, I believe I have been working to convince myself that what I have to say is potentially unimportant, unnecessary, irrelevant, offensive, and/or will be ignored regardless; and any or all of these possibilities will be judged as true by some, and may be judged as true by most. But what I have to say is important, necessary, and relevant (at the very least) to and for me; and if I am offensive, perhaps that will force necessary confrontation; and if I am ignored, then I will not know, or I can intensify my efforts by increasing the volume. So, I must become more vocal. I will begin by being politely loud, and as opportunity presents itself, I will be necessarily impolite.

I will start now.

Ticking clock. Can't open my eyes. Stuck somewhere. Dream? Clocks don't tick. Bombs don't tick. Digital world. Time is artificial. Humanity has become. Man-made. I feel deep; in a hole. Subterranean. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Flat. No echo. Eyes closed? Or no light? Must be sleep; otherwise, I would move my arms; feel my eyes; lids. I've read books; seen movies. The dream is real. The world, an illusion. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Can't speak. Can't scream. A sense. Not foreboding; exactly. More like resignation. Or retirement. Forced? Not abandonment; or banishment. Not giving in; or up. Understanding? Maybe; yes; close. Not Truth. Reality. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Peace? No. Not yet. Not ever? Tick. Tick. Crawling; up my arm. Just. Beneath. The surface. I want to ask. Not why. Not how. What is Who; and When is nonsense; not questions. That leaves where. I want to ask Where. I want to emphasize I; not Where. I may not be. Yet I must be. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. If I am not? Where is wandering; lost and aimless. If I could see. If I could touch. Weightless. But no. Physical stupor. Excess gravity. Somnolent clarity. To question; not my existence; but rather, the existence of me. Yesterday; survival. Today; questions. Tomorrow? Enlightenment? No. Too soon. Maybe next week. Or next month. Or never. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tomorrow; reality; and survival. Parasomnia. Choices. To sleep; dreamless. To remain, on the cusp; helpless. To wake; guileless; powerless; defenseless. Ain't nothin' but a party. Bacon-Double please. Tick. Tick; tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Lost. Not existence. Me. To me. Lost. Found? No. Perhaps. Lost is found; found is lost. Thoughts; pinging. Making sparks. Random. Like, rubbing my eyes. Yet I can't. Still prostrate; restrained; vulnerable. No illumination. No shape. No form. Tick. If I could choose; I would. Not to see. To be seen. Not to feel. To be felt. Not to hear; beyond. Tick. Tick. Tick. To be heard. Not to wake. To be awakened. Roused. Stirred. Vivified. Tick; tick. Syncopation. Coherence. Difficult. Effort. To string words. Sentences. Imprisoned. To stay. Sidetracked. This is about me. If. If not. It is about; where. Focus. FOCUS! I am not asleep. Perhaps, I am in-between. That would mean, I should wake soon. To what? No. To where? And will I be there? Or. Am I truly, no more? Thought constructs. Can a thing? Assembled? In the mind? Be no more? If it never was? Existence was tangible before me. Existence will remain after me. My existence is tangible. Concrete. Meaningful. In context. Yet, I am inconsequential. I am a fabrication. I can live with that. But will I? Or will I; continue to insist; that my existence; constitutes; meaning; beyond; my existence? Tick; tick. I am sharper. More coherent. Perhaps I am becoming. More fully; awake. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Have I been, bogged down? By a delusion? Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. I am bogged down; by solitude. Lonely truthfulness? False comfort? Choices. Anger. I should not be angered. Communal prescience. Contradiction. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Anger. Sorrow. Determination. Survival. I think. Therefore I am. Therefore I think I am. Thus constructing delusional complexity. I exist. Stop. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. I exist. Stop. Is the simplicity of existence, enough? It appears. It is not. A shroud of widespread superficiality conceals subterranean realities. Tick. Tick. Pain. Is ownership a myth? In this moment; on the cusp; I feel; I have nothing. To attain. To retain. Hard work. For what? Perhaps; for the sake; of hard work. Perhaps; I own; my effort. Only. After the fact. The moment, is mutual. Nice thoughts. Constructs? Fabrication? Unnecessary complexity? Perhaps. All there is; is the moment. Do thoughts exist, in the moment? Or, do thoughts merely, define a moment? If the latter---(this is difficult)---then, does the moment exist? Or, is it also a construct? If the moment exists; only, in the moment; then, all else is fabrication. Perhaps. The only reality; is deep; in a hole. Subterranean. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Perhaps. My existence. Flat. No echo. No shape. No form. No shadow. No illumination. Deep. In a hole. Subterranean. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Perhaps. That is okay. Simplify. Contribute. Know. Uncertainty. Embrace. Productivity. Infinitesimal. Significant. Contradictions. Choices. Tick. Tick. Tick. I will wake soon. I will choose. Moment-by-moment. My existence. The existence of me. Hardship. Security. I will wake soon. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Deep. Closer to; reality. Wakefulness. Rising to the surface. No. Not yet. How to remember? Wakefulness clouds clarity. Engagement distracts. Seduction. Betrayal. To be led astray. Yet, productivity requires engaged discourse. Dilemma. It is. It is, regrettable, that we cannot meet here. In-between. On the cusp. Deep. In a hole. Subterranean. Shared somnolent clarity. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Resting. Preparing. Tick; tick. Tick. I exist. Stop. I choose. Stop. Determination. Survival. Productivity. Stop. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick...

This morning, I woke up angry. I showered angry. I walked to work angry. I logged on to my computer angry. I yelled inside my head that conversations today were on a needs-only basis, because I was angry!!!

...Then someone said, "Good Morning."

...And I forgot I was angry.

Damn It!

Why do people have to rain pleasantries down upon my anger? Now a perfectly good opportunity to harden my arteries has been diminished. I worked all night to build up to that level of anger, and "Poof"---with one bumbleheaded, humdrum courtesy, I smiled.

Maybe it's not too late. Perhaps I can build it back up. With a little effort---(sometimes, very little)---I can think of many justifications for anger, but I can't remember the specific thought or incident, (if there was one), that ignited last night's escalation. What I do recall, doesn't seem to be that big of a deal now, so I must be missing something. Or perhaps I just woke up angry. Oh well. I am confident I can find another spark.

...that is, if I can get past this ill-timed, thoughtless inanity just uttered in passing! And to what end? Does she feel better because (forgetting myself), I smiled and responded in kind? Does she think I am honored by her offering of kind words? Surely all social grace is not gratuitous. She sounded sincere, but we barely know each other. I understand civility, but does it have to be so damned cheerful? I see cheerful social civility as wanton, approaching obscene. I see unsolicited affability as unrecognized untruth. I see deference and gallantry as demeaning and grotesque.

...Or perhaps I have just rediscovered my anger.

...And now look! Someone else just passed by and didn't say a word! Am I too far below her station to be spoken to? She must be Royalty of some sort...

This day, so far, is unbelievably maddening. The first person I see speaks to me, then the next one doesn't. Next thing you know someone will probably ask after the well-being of my family...

...Or not.

...And either way, I am confident that they will do so in a manner that offends.

It's good to have a driver...