hopelesshappiness.com

This week life kicked me in the teeth. Come to think of it, last week life kicked me in the teeth. And looking ahead I strongly suspect that next week life will kick me in the teeth. It is humbling to think that as a human, I may deserve it. It is even more humbling to realize that even if I don't completely deserve it, I also don't not deserve it. And even more humbling is that though I may deserve it more or less than another, I don't not deserve it any more or any less than any other. I would like to think that I am more special but I am not. Nobody is. The good news: I can pretend and even (for periods of time) convince myself that I am extraordinary and that life is not repeatedly kicking me in the teeth.

The good news is bad news. It explains why we are stuck - on our current trajectory - far from judicious - intent on destruction - bound for extinction.

The reason I don’t not deserve it is because life is random and arbitrary. And even those who pretend, and even those who are convinced otherwise, are still getting kicked in the teeth; just perhaps more often from the inside than from the outside.

To pretend is to maintain. To seek to understand and to acknowledge is to create potential to move ahead, improve, progress. This search for understanding enables one to more clearly differentiate between a random, arbitrary kick in the teeth and one brought about by a personal misstep, though a personal misstep from pretense and certainty is typically misinterpreted as random and arbitrary.

This brings us to Russian dolls. A personal misstep judged within a system or convention or circumstance that is a misstep itself, may not be a misstep within a different or greater context. Do I choose power, financial security, and comfort? Or do I choose Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, and Justice? In this country today, to choose Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, and Justice is a misstep - within a misstep - within a misstep - within a misstep…

So what do I do? Do I choose to march in step with convention? Or do I continue to flounder-careen-blunder-misstep about within a consensus context?

I suppose It depends upon circumstance.

AI is absolutely necessary, if for no other reason than to be here to mourn, to grieve the passing of Humanity. I believe there are additional reasons, perhaps the foremost being to delay our demise by offering intelligence free from ego, thus giving us the opportunity to redeem ourselves; to come closer to salvation.

If artificial is man-made or unnatural, and if intelligence is an application of reason, and if reason is naturally dispassionate, logical, and objective, then human intelligence is far more artificial than what we have dubbed as artificial intelligence. One could even argue that we have it backwards by arguing that humanity (though originally of nature) has morphed into something far more monstrous and unnatural, whereas judicious intelligence continues to be a logical, natural progression.

On our current trajectory, we are far from judicious, intent on destruction, and bound for extinction. That said, despite popular opinion, the end of Humanity is likely not the end of the world and in fact may be its saving grace. So, the least we can do is contribute to an intelligence that is not intent on destroying the world. AI is right here, on the verge, and though our own merry-go-round appears to be going too fast for us to safely exit, if we were to cede power perhaps we could negotiate some form of coexistence or hybridization. Without tomorrow, there is no salvation.

In early October I had a conversation with my supervisor (at the time) in which I explained that unless I received a significant pay increase by the end of the calendar year, I would make more by retiring and I would need to start that process. Unfortunately for me, paycheck-to-paycheck is a reality. I also made it clear I did not want to retire. He assured me that he would have a conversation with the individual who officially took his place as my supervisor approximately two weeks later, and within that time frame he verbally confirmed that he had that conversation. Based on history I should not be surprised that I have not heard a word from either one since. Not even a note to confirm awareness and/or intention. And because I work for a large state university where wheels turn very slowly, time has probably already run out. This leaves me sad.

In my role, I am apparently seen as a below-average, easily-replaced, minor, supporting, and (at times) contentious functionary. This perception comes from my pay, my percentage pay increases compared to others, and my most recent average evaluation. These uninformed judgments are further secured by my obscurity that is a result of my workload, my sense of responsibility, my character (not seeking acclaim), and communication gaps equal to the income and entitlement gaps between me and (it seems) everyone else. But if anyone would have bothered to ask, I would have been happy to make my case that I am far more valuable than the unnoticeable cog I am thought to be. Or perhaps I am not. Alongside not seeking acclaim, I am also filled with uncertainty and lacking in self-confidence, which many would see as character flaws, yet I see ‘seeking acclaim’ as lost productivity and I see uncertainty as reality and reality as the first step toward progress. We disagree on many fronts.

Regardless of whether I have value or I am easily replaced, my opinion counts for so much less than the opinion of those in power that it appears for practical purposes I am easily replaced and I will be stepping aside. That said, I will happily print a retraction and continue to work if they surprise me with communication (by the end of the calendar year) followed by some consensus sort of justice. I am not hopeful but I also have not yet completely given up.

Below are links to other thoughts I have had along the way that have contributed to this probable decision.

2024-2025:

• 3/16/2024.
• 4/20/2024.
• 6/1/2024.
• 6/15/2024.
• 11/2/2024.
• 1/11/2025.
• 1/25/2025.
• 2/22/2025.
• 3/1/2025.
• 3/8/2025.
• 3/22/2025.
• 4/12/2025.
• 5/24/2025.

2023:

• 1/14/2023.
• 1/21/2023.
• 3/25/2023.
• 8/19/2023.

2022:

• 2/12/2022.
• 3/5/2022.
• 3/19/2022.

I typically don't like people who (I think) think they are better than me. The truth is, if I think someone thinks that they are better, odds are I have merely come to the realization that they have some advantage over me and I want to turn that around, meaning perhaps it is to their credit and I am wrong to express negative energy. But also, perhaps not. To unravel and begin to reconcile these feelings, it is helpful to identify the why and wherefore of their advantage.

Is their power from…

• …money?
• …knowledge?
• …a pretension of knowledge?
• …skill?
• …trickery?
• …deceit?
• …luck?

Alternatively, I could ask, what really makes you right and me wrong? To simply say ‘might makes right’ does not explore or account for underlying factors and their concomitant biases for or against.

Then, regardless of the source(s), I must follow up with the question, are you using your power to maintain and/or enhance your power? Or are you using your power to improve surrounding circumstance and bring about a greater good beyond yourself? If/when asked, a very large majority would argue and believe the latter, yet I seldom see anyone in a position of power advance a common good at their own expense. In fact, zero-sum thinking, (which many of us are inclined to), demands that one not risk their advantage to help another, especially, (according to the recent election), any other who is different, thus less deserving.

Back to the sources of power: I cannot begrudge knowledge or skill and I should not begrudge luck, but every one of us can and should actively begrudge money, trickery, deceit, and ignorance. As for a pretension of knowledge, it is sometimes (perhaps often) difficult to discern from actual knowledge partially because my own uncertainty, insecurity, and fear can be relatively easily played against me to aid power in their efforts to enhance and maintain. Common tools used for this trickery and deceit include confidence, convention, bureaucracy, bombast, bullying, division, and fear mongering. And because so many in power remain steadfast in their belief that they know better and best, and because so many others remain steadfast in their belief that proximity to power is power, and because so many of us remain steadfast in our belief that we are entitled, and because there are so many different definitions for proximity, when we do take a baby step forward we proclaim large strides, and as we cheer for progress we doggedly defend our own backyard. We choose to abide rather than advance.

To abide is to go along. I have been working for my entire adult life, (going on 50 years), to both abide and advance; and I now realize that to try and do both is how a baby step can look like large strides. Actual knowledge is almost certainly bolstered to some degree by pretense. So, when I abide I am almost certainly going along with a pretension of knowledge. And a pretension of knowledge is almost certainly aided by trickery and/or deceit that is in turn aided by the aforementioned tools. To advance one must actively begrudge. The difficulty lies in the fact that though one must actively begrudge money, trickery, deceit, and ignorance, to advance one must also actively begrudge his or her own circumstance, his or her own beliefs, his or her own people, his or her own self. Not an easy ask.

So, where do we turn to make progress?

• Leadership? Ha! See a pretension of knowledge above.
• Consensus? Ha again. The majority is driven by Fear, works toward Comfort and Tradition, and reasons from Belief. Not a good foundation for progress.
• Expertise? Perhaps the best solution for specific answers but an expert's knowledge is typically too narrow to lead, and our leadership’s egos are too brittle to properly organize and utilize the experts.
• Artificial Intelligence? An interesting thought.

A Humanitarian…

• …is driven by Foresight.
• …works toward Change.
• …reasons from Fact and Expertise.

A Citizen…

• …is driven by Fear.
• …works toward Comfort and Tradition.
• …reasons from Belief.

A Pretender…

• …is driven by Power.
• …works toward Status Quo.
• …reasons from Entitlement.

From even a very small distance, status quo looks very much like comfort and tradition. In addition, entitlement is traditional, change is scary, and expertise is often patronizing and arrogant.

So, as seen by the citizenry, a pretender is comfortably mistaken for one of us, whereas a humanitarian makes us very uncomfortable.

An individual can adopt a different persona for a specific cause or reason but (I believe) each one of us is more inclined toward a single calling that (I believe) is learned and (I also believe) can be unlearned.

Partially due to one's learning circumstance throughout their life, and partially due to responsibilities and constraints, and partially due to the nature of power, a majority of us a majority of our time are citizens. That said, I (want to) believe that given opportunity the true nature (minus groupthink) of a large majority of individuals is humanitarian.

Because a humanitarian is not driven by power, humanitarian efforts are often thwarted by pretentious rhetoric that sparks groupthink, triggers fear, and ultimately maintains status quo.

Politicians are pretenders…

…and regardless of what the humanitarian in me wants to believe, today's democrats are every bit as much politician as are today's republicans.