I am a fool. Who am I to think I can save the world? Who am I to even think I can make improvements in a small scale work environment? Yet here I am, at the age of 66, still up-heaving to that end. Recent efforts have failed miserably and looking back at my work over my lifetime any improvements I may have played a part in were either not long-lasting or essentially inconsequential. I am a fool.

But I have said it before:

Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Fools

I shall fear no folly, for thou art fools with me.

Thy nod and thy laugh, they comfort me.

We preparest a stable disparity in the presence of mass obedience.

They disjoint our heads with feckless toil, yet my thoughts runneth over.

Surely I shall follow the Way of the Fool all the days of my life,

And I will seek the House of Happiness forever.

My latest trail-blaze into twaddle began a little more than five months ago when I took a job as a paralegal in a prosecuting attorney's office. Now here I am, seeking justice within an office that (in theory) dispenses justice. I wrote the following and sent it this past Monday.

Hi HR Director and Prosecuting Attorney,

I am emailing you because based on feedback and circumstance I don't believe I am meeting expectations and I am worried I am in danger of losing my job. I like the work and some days I feel I am doing okay, but most days I feel inadequate and inconsequential. Here are some reasons why I feel inadequate:

• I consistently have 50+ Reminders, and I am currently 3 months behind on inputting new cases.
• New Paralegal (who is newer than I am) consistently has “nothing to do” - her words.
• All three of the other paralegals consistently have time for socializing with each other, with other office staff, and with the frequent visits from Law Enforcement Officers coming through the office. I do not.
• This past week I was chastised multiple times for late writs and for unnecessary fingerprint orders. On Thursday, Chief Paralegal singled me out, calling me over to her desk (with the other paralegals nearby at their desks) to remind me of late writs which were late not due to a lack of awareness on my part but due to Assistant Prosecuting Attorney reprioritizing my priorities for an upcoming jury trial and because there are only so many hours in the day.
• I am deaf in one ear, and I have a disability (Meniere's / Vertigo) that causes some focus issues when I am in a fast-paced setting, and both of these limitations make me struggle in the courtroom. Though nothing has been said recently about my different, slower process when in the courtroom, early on (February and March) Prosecuting Attorney and Chief Paralegal both stated that I would need to become faster and more efficient in that setting. I have figured out a way to be complete and accurate, but I am slower than I should be. I am not meeting expectations.

I truly don’t begrudge the socializing and I understand that a certain amount of camaraderie is a necessary part of any job to build trust and maintain culture, but the fact that they spend the time they do on this aspect of the job when I don’t feel like I can afford to take that time, and the fact that New Paralegal consistently mentions her lack of a workload, and the fact that I am publicly berated, and the fact that I am less efficient in the courtroom, are all obvious indicators to me that I am either doing something wrong or I am simply not cut out for this job, and/or I am being cited for cause and on my way out the door. I am uncertain if it is deserved or not.

If I am inadequate, then a change is coming (or needs to come) and inconsequential is irrelevant. But until then, or if I am mistaken, the fact that I feel inconsequential (though secondary) intensifies my feelings of inadequacy. Here are some reasons why I feel inconsequential:

• I am the only Baby Boomer working in a close setting with 2 Gen Z and 1 Millennial. Every day I feel uncomfortable and excluded. In similar past experience, I have always been able to be patient and work my way in, but in this circumstance my overwhelming workload (due to my apparent inability to meet expectations) does not allow much free time to make inroads.
• I feel my personal physical limitations set me apart. I am simply unable to keep up with (much less participate in) the high energy exchanges that drive communication in this office. This lack of communication is as much on me as anyone else, (I tend to tune out so I can focus on my work), but regardless of who is responsible it contributes to my exclusion and feelings of inconsequentiality.
• This point is minor but still relevant: There are (if not frequent) consistent unfavorable references to men and to “older” people. These are often made in (supposed) jest, and I typically do not take offense, and if this were the only issue I absolutely would not even mention it, but on top of all the other items listed here, these comments add to my fear of losing my job.

Bottom Line: The other paralegals make it very clear to me that I am not a fit. I am emailing you with the (unrealistic?) hope that there may be a different County job in which I would be a better fit and that we could make a transition with as little upheaval as possible. As I previously said, I like this work but if I am not meeting expectations and if I am not a good fit, with this email I am working proactively to get ahead of that.

I want to work. I need to work. I like working for the County. I feel it worth repeating that I am working toward resolution before circumstance dictates unplanned disruption. I feel like I have a lot to offer any job I am in, but to this point this job does not fit. Please help guide me to next steps. I hope to hear back and start working on this in this upcoming week.

Thank you for listening.

Bryan

I am a fool.