For the first time in my life, I feel like I am stuck. In hindsight though, I have always been stuck. In hindsight previous decisions to become unstuck were in actuality merely a change of scenery and (according to the rules I refused to follow) frequently a step or two backwards. The rules are dumb. But now, today, in this moment, because I am stuck in place, in job, in health, in life, I have no choice but to follow the rules; and pretend that is okay. I am sad. It is not clear to me if it is sadder that I pretended autonomy and independence for 40 years or that I now must, in order to live out the rest of my life, pretend happiness. The definition should have given it away: “Idealism – the tendency to represent things in an ideal form, or as they might or should be rather than as they are, with emphasis on values.” Happiness is unattainable.

I have long maintained that Happiness is the search for Truth and Wisdom implying Truth and Wisdom (capitalized) is unattainable. Now, here I am, later in life finding that the search has been rather inconsequential (at best). I am contemplating capitulation; not in any dramatic sort of way, simply an acknowledgement that I am relatively powerless. I am no match for the dumb rules.

Would it be better to have more power having followed (and worse) believed in dumb rules? Or perhaps attaining even greater power by seeking an Ideal within the confines of these dumb rules? Or am I just as well off, or somehow better off, having searched to no consequential worldly avail yet once or twice (feel like I have) glimpsed an outermost perimeter of Truth and Wisdom and prepared myself for the (very, highly, extremely, very) unlikely possibility of personal power. I will maintain my daily/weekly regimen of thoughtful consideration. Not only just in case, but also because it has become habit and because the rules are dumb.