This week I am struggling with priorities. I am (possibly) faced with a decision that (whatever I decide) will at the least maintain status quo and may result in betterment; this is a good problem. My initial instinct was to first consider this problem in terms of autonomy and self esteem, but as I think it through, it is a more basic issue of becoming more independent. The difference for me is that independence is simply becoming less dependent, whereas autonomy plays into self esteem via volition and I do not want this decision to be dominated by ego.  So in my attempt to mitigate ego the decision moves from a very strong yes to a more moderate yes.

There are other considerations.

The second consideration is the uncertainty surrounding the reliability of the outside factor I am dependent upon; (that factor being SSDI). Granted, I do not believe the uncertainty to be an immediate consideration, but even within the next one to two years I foresee the possibility growing; and I am reasonably confident that regardless of this uncertain outcome, if I decide yes, I will be in a position from which I am better able to continue to improve the practicalities in the third consideration below. Based on these thoughts, the uncertainty again contributes to a moderate yes.

The third consideration is financial. A "Yes" decision will bring a potential of less income, but would be manageable. But this in turn will bring a new uncertainty (that I suppose we all face every day) of potential improvement vs. maintaining vs. unexpected misfortune. So overall this entwining of less (short term?) income and new uncertainties, if considered alone, leads to a decision of No if the financial gap is significant, a moderate No if the financial gap is less significant, and a neutral to moderate Yes position if the financial gap is nonexistent.

At this point it feels like a very close call.

The fourth consideration involves capability and culpability. As with the first consideration above, I do not want ego to dominate, so in this thought I do not want guilt (perceived culpability) to push me into a Yes, and I do not want to misjudge my ability to work to the required extent. As for capability I believe that in the past 12 to 18 months, a combination of a new consistency and predictably of symptoms, (supported by recent research), coupled with continued improvement on my part to manage symptoms leave me in a (momentary?) position in which I feel capable while acknowledging the newness of this circumstance. In other words, I should not feel guilt for deciding "No" as my symptoms continue to justify dependence, and my full capabilities have not been tested. Yet how will I know until I test them. In theory, SSDI provides a safety net, and if there were no uncertainties about this safety net, these specific (stand-alone) thoughts would result in an ambivalent neutrality, but with the uncertainty I believe these thoughts slide into a moderate No.

I came into this analysis wanting to justify a Yes. Right now, it appears the only way I can do that is if the financial gap is very minor or nonexistent; or if I allow ego to have a say. I have to live with my ego. So does my wife. I will ask for her thoughts.

But first...

I have consistently defined (upper-case) Happiness as one's search for Truth and Wisdom, and (lower-case) happiness as day-to-day cheer and satisfaction. I believe the ego is an integral part of (lower-case) happiness---(Do I deserve happiness?)---and I believe a "Yes" decision would improve my (lower-case) happiness and reinforce my ego-driven sense of entitlement. But how would it impact my (upper-case) Happiness? Would my reading and writing and thinking suffer? Or would I be energized by the consistency of social contact? I don't know. I suppose this consideration is neutral but may be telling me to consider my ego.

I will ask my wife for her thoughts.

I talked to my wife. The conversation has encouraged me to realize that there is a greater fear of the uncertainties surrounding the bird in the bush than there is surrounding the bird in hand. This in turn is telling me to (again) lessen my regard for ego. I am back to a pivot of significant vs. insignificant vs. nonexistent financial gap. We will see what (if anything) comes.

It is time to post, and a choice has not presented itself. But this has given me more opportunity to think. I have discovered that my perplexity is (at least) in part related to my inability to disentangle considerations. In the preceding paragraph I appeared to conclude that the resultant financial gap should be the ultimate determinant. But, (whether I call it "ego" or "self"), my considerations for desired independence, culpability and capability, and (lower-case) happiness will more strongly influence results as they come, so I cannot allow financial well-being alone to make this decision. All of the above considerations do not each carry equal weight, but rather push, pull, intertwine, prop up, and even strangle various other considerations. I cannot objectify this much subjectivity. Based on the big picture of current circumstance, I feel obligated to follow through; meaning that if (in this moment) I feel future resulting circumstance is manageable, regardless of possible difficulties, I must opt to move beyond status quo.

There it is.

We will see what (if anything) comes.