I have heard, (it seems) all of my life, to prepare for the worst and to hope for the best; I will add "actively" before hope. There are currently many fronts on which I can apply this maxim.

Typically I am not excessively discouraged by adversity because I believe that it strengthens character and I work very hard to learn from the adventure. Recently though, I am experiencing an inordinate degree of discouragement. Perhaps in this moment, it is the "many fronts" that dishearten.

Conspicuous examples include today's leadership, of which I have little influence, but regardless I am working to maintain an active faith that we will learn and grow. The same goes for my immediate future, our immediate future, and the well-being of future generations, all beyond today's leadership. I am active, in that by continuing to learn and grow personally, I hope to encourage likewise.

Perhaps, (as opposed to my immediate future as I will live it), I am also discouraged facing the potential for a lack of an immediate future. And, to face one's personal mortality can be troubling; so to face that alongside the (some recent days seemingly very real) possibility of Humanity's mortality, is some multiple beyond troubling.

By "lack of an immediate future" I am of course referring to extinction or death. It is an uncomfortable and difficult concept to consider; so much so that we are unable to see the potential for Human extinction because so many of us refuse to acknowledge the high probability of our own demise. Yet I believe both are near certainties; it is only a question of when.

I will one day leave this existence; as will each of us. Some consider this inevitably to be the "worst" that we must prepare for. Some, for varying reasons, may consider a cessation to be the "best" that we can hope for. I am with the former group, though I do have compassion and a semblance of understanding for those in the latter group; (the former and latter respectively differentiated by active hope and quiescent hope). In, out, or up is essentially the gist of what those in the latter group give. I work to give more.

I do not mean for this to sound condescending or judgmental. If it were in some way fruitful, I would disclose pages and pages and pages... of personal imperfections. I actively hope for this to sound truthful.

I will not give up, but I (too) frequently give in (which in some circumstance can be construed as giving up); and one day, I will give out.?

This past week, my heart has felt heavy.

I don't only mean emotionally or spiritually heavy. I also mean physically heavy. I have 8 stents, and though the physical discomfort in this week is most likely indigestion (from the recent increased intake of carbonated beverages), or upper body muscle pain (from the recent increased swimming regimen), with 8 stents I can't help but to be aware.

I am preparing for the worst.

Yesterday, because I thoughtfully considered my mortality, I walked 5 miles and swam for 80 minutes.

The day before yesterday, because I was cantankerous and feeling sorry for myself, I drank 4 beers and sat in front of the television; (or it might have been 5 beers, and today I can't remember what I watched).

... ... ... ... ...

I wrote the above on Tuesday. Today is Friday. I have remained thoughtfully active throughout the week.

It is unavoidably necessary for me to be thoughtful, which encourages me to be active; which in turn energizes my hope. I am often able to translate this energized activity into learning and growth; though there are still some days in which self-pity and/or excessive concern for multiple futures, derail intentions.

As a community, and as a nation, and as all of Humanity, it frequently feels like we are drinking beer and watching absurd, forgettable reality television. I believe it would be more mutually beneficial to consider mortality, on both the smallest and the largest of scales, and to act and react thoughtfully and productively.

The preceding paragraph initially felt like a stopping point, but upon review I am going to expand on the idea of giving in. As previously said, in some circumstance giving in may appear to be giving up, but upon further review I also believe that it may appear to be active hope; and even thoughtfully active hope. I believe "thoughtful" though must include a depth of questioning skepticism. I believe "going along" (actively or not) is the same as giving in. I believe that giving in by going along is too easy because there is no depth of questioning skepticism. Yet, I also believe prioritization is unavoidable, resulting in some instances in which going along is also unavoidable. And in some of these instances we have zero or limited power so we have little or no choice but to go along. I work to recognize the difference between lesser and greater degrees of personal choice, and to choose NOT to go along when and where I am able to have the greatest mutually beneficial impact. But on occasion, when it appears I am powerless and have no choice but to go along, I have, regardless, chosen NOT to go along strictly to avoid violating a strong personal principle.

In many of these instances where I have stood on principle, the actuality of NOT going along created an inequality that led to (what in that moment appeared to be) a punishment for not going along. In hindsight, I believe it to be less of retributive justice and more of a banishment. There are some individuals and some groups that simply want nothing to do with those who disagree. And this is exactly an example of the thoughtless superficiality that comes from a lack of questioning skepticism. Too often, when disagreement becomes difficult, we ostracize, (i.e. Kill), the messenger. And as the messenger, we may feel we have lived through a small death; but I might argue that to disagree is to live, and the small death (felt from being cast out) is industrious survival. I might also argue that even though dying may be the worst, to do so actively and thoughtfully mitigates the fear of dying by creating an awareness that giving in by going along is in practice a living death. In other words, by facing my mortality I am better able to immerse my self in the exigent vitality of thoughtfully active hope.

Yes, I am dying; in the same sense that each and every one of us is dying. But that does not (and should not) mean that WE have to die prematurely. And, today, in this moment, I am living.