For several months now, like a pinball in the hands of a dark wizard, I have caromed from feeling angry to incredulous to mystified to amused; from bumper to bumper to bumper in a constant, random, chaotic concatenation of disappointment. And then last week, I ricocheted to disgust: a pair of bumpers (I call "fire and fury" and "locked and loaded") in a dark corner that I had hoped to avoid. And now, this past weekend, I was flung into a low crevice of fear where I was surrounded "on many sides" by ONE danger that I will name "Voldemort" to emphasize the ridiculousness of those who prefer that this (hate-mongering) danger remain unnamed.

I am not making light... This is very real and very serious, and I can only wish it were a fantasy. Perhaps to some, it is. Here, now, in this moment, continuing to boomerang between bumpers, I am aware of a nearby downslope that will carry me from disgust and fear, to further danger. I need an exceedingly strong rebound to carry me back over the lip of my crevice to the more comfortable norm of feeling angry, incredulous, mystified, and amused. Having said that, I am embarrassed that I equate proximity to disgust and fear, with comfort. But I believe this is where many of us are: settling for a lesser evil. We should not. A refusal to acknowledge, no matter the discomfort or perceived degree of danger, is a refusal to progress and grow, and ultimately it is a mockery of Humanity; all of Humanity, past, present, and future.

Today, divisiveness at ev'ry turn
I crave decisiveness and confidence
But know that certainty can only yearn
To surpass parody or render sense

Some people thrive on urgency, enjoying the constant creation and/or experience of headlong unpredictability. I believe each one of us can relate to the feel-good high of an unexpected adrenaline rush, but most of us prefer a prevalence of (perceived) control punctuated by periods of calm relaxation. I believe the opportunity and ability to recharge allows for rational, productive action while it also acknowledges the value of skepticism and uncertainty; whereas the need for constant commotion inevitably produces hasty, unthinking reaction and a delusional overconfidence. On occasion, a situation might call for haste and instinctive reaction, (think big city hospital emergency room on a Saturday night); but in more circumstance than not, results are enhanced by cool heads.

Though ev'ry day is hazy and unsure
Of late we've turned to lazy thoughts unjust
Of late we've groomed our egos insecure
Of late reality is mad disgust

I do not thrive on urgency; yet I continue to throw myself into this glass-topped melee of lights, bells, buzzers, and (both excruciatingly loud and eerily silent) whistles. My thoughts and emotions receive the brunt of this pummeling and I feel physically confined. But as helpless as I feel,  how can I turn away from a train wreck that begs for attention? How can I walk away from a tragedy of ignorance that oozes so much pain? How can I reach inward and outward to reignite an active hope? I will not do nothing. I will (minimally) continue to thoughtfully scrutinize and interpret the circumstance for a deeper understanding. Though it is likely that my efforts will have little influence or impact, the alternative is a refusal to acknowledge, and a refusal to acknowledge...

To work my way from fear with broadened scope
To leave the danger here in days of yore
To reach the yesterday of active hope
To seek a new today bespeaking more

Here, now, in this moment, I find sadness. This bumper is nearly dead, barely knocking me back to roll slowly and listlessly away. Yet each time I tumble away from this muffled backfire, I typically find myself richer for the experience. Each time I become entangled in the Dark sense of sadness and the Light of my personal essence, I typically find myself (at least momentarily) within "a placid clarity of artfully creative purpose and meaning." Each time I experience seemingly unnecessary anguish (personally or vicariously), I typically find myself a tad closer to Truth. Regardless, here, now, in this moment, the bruising pain and frenzied chaos is excessive.

A mind that aches for reasoned sanity
A heart that breaks for all Humanity.