Intractable: not easily controlled or directed; not docile or manageable; stubborn; obstinate; hard to shape or work with; hard to treat, relieve, or cure.

Some moments consist of layers layered upon layers layered upon layers layered upon layers; fragmenting and reforming and commingling; a melding of melodious dissonance creating a confusion of jumbled and inefficient thoughts and deeds.

Tractable: easily managed or controlled; yielding; easily worked, shaped, or otherwise handled.

Some moments consist of the moment; and while not completely tractable, certainly more peaceful.

This week I have been struggling mightily with the intractable dilemma of Life and mortality. By definition Life is inclusive of mortality, but to consciously consider them together, one alongside the other, has the potential to add multiple layers of unruly complexity. How do I free myself from this fusion of discordant compatibility?

I must let go of something.

If I let go of Life, I become an adherent, or disciple, and/or distracted, or (at the very least) a follower.

If I let go of mortality, I become idealistic, or abstracted, and/or distracted, or (at the very least) impractical.

Yet, this week, this combination has me at odds with myself.

... ... ... ... ...

Perhaps I should let go of the finality.

This week, in these last few hours, I have once again started looking forward. And by doing so, I realize I haven't done so for some period of time. By looking forward, I believe I can live Life and let go of finality, without losing sight of mortality. By looking forward, I believe I can live Life without becoming idealistic, abstracted, distracted, or impractical. By looking forward, I can conceive of an abiding integrity. And if for some reason, the finality of my mortality comes to fruition before I have stopped looking forward... I believe that will be preferable to having stopped looking forward.

If the finality of my mortality had come to fruition during this recent period of "not" looking forward, it could be said that the finality of my mortality had come to fruition several months previous to the finality of my mortality.

I must not get bogged down in a final, intractable synthesis of antagonistic collaboration.

Today, in this moment, I must look, (and then move), forward; and by doing so, the momentum may carry part of me beyond the finality of my mortality.