I'm tossed into a vast expanse
Of hurt and hidden fears
I sing my song, yet still I dance
With hope, and hollow tears.
This week I am asking myself, "how can I live authentically---(i.e. consistently within my perception of reality)---in this world of delusional pretentiousness?" To be taken seriously, and/or to be accorded (sometimes) even a nominal amount of respect, and allowing for social functionality, I often feel compelled to pretend and to be less than truthful. I pretend to care, inordinately, about the trivial and the superficial; and I pretend to not care about waste and avoidable incompetency. Though aware of personal fears and human frailty, I am less than truthful with others in this regard, maintaining an outward illusion of calm and confidence. And when other's fear manifests as specious bravado, I am also less than truthful, often displaying a facade of agreeable understanding. Although, in a sense, to pretend and to be less than truthful are synonymous, in another sense, if I am able to differentiate, it is less likely that my make-believe, (recognized as make-believe), will alter my personal truth; but a consistent practice of lying to myself, (most specifically regarding personal fear), may convince me of a more comfortable, inauthentic truth.
But before I delve further into my ruminations on fear and pretentiousness, I want to clarify two definitions: 1) Hope, and 2) Delusional.
- In the verse above, "Hope" is meant to differentiate by emphasizing the spuriousness and futility of passive hope, and by encouraging an active hope driven by considerable effort toward productive change.
- The word "Delusional" apparently carries with it a stigma of mental illness. But in the context of this written thought, (and I believe of most of my previous written thought), it is simply meant to imply a functionally unrealistic perspective, typically based on an unprovable belief, that ignores fear and injustice, and refuses to utilize objective analysis and/or empathic listening. This past week I used this word to describe someone---(and I was speaking in general terms, as in "anyone")---who proclaims to "know with certainty" any unproven or unprovable belief; (ex. Donald Trump will straighten out and clean up all the mess created by previous administrations). Offense was taken; and in hindsight, "Delusional" may have been a poor choice of words, as it abruptly ended the conversation. Perhaps "thoughtless" would be a better choice to truthfully deliver the intended message without the "crazy" stigma. ...Or perhaps it is okay that offense was taken.
I stated above that to live authentically, I must live within my perception of reality. Yet to consistently live within my (serious, skeptical, passionate, contemplative) perception of reality, (from experience), would create animosity and/or purposeful avoidance. I believe that each one of us, to some extent, has a public persona and a private persona. I believe that in most, (if not all), cases one's private persona is more authentic. I believe as I gain Life experience, more and more frequently, my private persona is advancing on, invading, and accosting my public persona. I believe that to live more authentically, I must allow this gap to continue to narrow; no surrender, no retreat. Yet I also believe, though the gap may narrow, there will always be a gap---rightfully so.
This week, I have observed individual fear manifest across all facets of the Human Psyche, exerting influence on Bravado, Insecurity, Self Interest, Empathy, and Madness; and strikingly impacting individual thoughts, feelings, and actions. (Last week, I described this interactive dynamic in some detail.) The most intriguing aspect of these instances, (involving multiple unrelated circumstance), is that (while some individuals recognized and acknowledged fear, and others did not), in every case the fear and/or (separately) the reaction was only superficially examined. Those who acknowledged fear, attributed their fear to short-term, anomalous factors, and attributed their reactions to rationally commendable considerations. Those who could not see (or refused to acknowledge) their fear, simply believed their reactions to be rationally commendable considerations; even though it was obvious that serious thought was left on the bench. And, in both those who saw their fear and those who did not, their logic was superficially irrefutable, and their portrayal of reality was superficially incomplete.
After reading this last bit, I understand the animosity and purposeful avoidance.
Yet to know my self, I must know my fear. And from there I cannot help but to aspire toward also encouraging others to dig deeper so they may root out and recognize hidden fears that, nonetheless, impact their thoughts, feelings, and actions. By doing so for myself, 1) I am forced to reason with my fear(s), 2) I am able to (first) better understand and (then) temper my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and 3) I find myself closer to Truth, Wisdom, and (upper-case) Happiness. Though, additionally, by rooting out and facing these fears, 1) I may find myself further from (lower-case) happiness; 2) because I create complexity, I may find it more difficult to justify some thoughts, feelings, and actions; and 3) because I create depth, I may find myself (feeling as if I am) in over my head. Nonetheless...
I am afraid of discomfort.
I am afraid of disruption.
I am afraid of confrontation.
I am afraid of oppression.
I am afraid of pain.
I am afraid of you.
I am afraid of change.
I am afraid of empathy.
I am afraid of questions.
I am afraid of accountability.
I am afraid of being found out.
I am afraid of losing control.
I am afraid of truthfulness.
I am afraid of thoughtfulness.
I am afraid of justice.
I am afraid of the inexplicable.
I am afraid of Wisdom.
I am afraid of Truth.
I am afraid of death.
I am afraid of meaninglessness.
I am afraid of nothingness.
This is reality...