Twas the night after Christmas, and I had forgotten
There's people nearby, and here I was fotten;
I'd had some baked beans and a couple of brews,
A brat with some kraut: I was startin' to snooze;
Our guests were sprawled snugly, all full of good cheer,
With visions of football and bottles of beer;
Mamma gave me the look, as I blamed the dog,
Then we all settled back with our day-old cheese log,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from our stupor to see what was the matter.
Away to the window we flew like a flash,
In time to see critters all into the trash
The moon on the pests in the new fallen cans
Inspired me to muster some audacious plans,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a whole damn parade of opossum and deer,
And raccoons and foxes, and long-legged hare
And I knew soon to follow, moose, gator, and bear.
More rapid than the buzzards that circled above
I whistled and shouted, "Herewith and Thereof!"
"Now Bobby! Now Stevie! Now Timmy, and James!
And you two! Come with! I don't know your names!
Let's sneak out the back door, and we'll hide near the wall!
Forthwith! Fortify! And we'll chase away all!"
As lush leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When we meet with an obstacle, plans may go awry,
So out to the stone wall, us soldiers we flew,
One hand held a weapon, the other a brew.
While Bobby was tinkling, we heard feasting jaws,
The prancing and gnawing of sharp teeth and sharp claws.
As I pulled down my head and was turning around,
I'd lost two brave men passed out on the ground.
So now down to five, we stood and we drew
Our weapons more suited for cooking a stew.
With spoons and spatulas raised high for attack,
We not-so-discreetly advanced on the pack.
Our eyes---how they narrowed! Our grimaces firm!
The pack simply watched us, with nary a squirm.
James screamed and ran off when he saw a mouse stirring;
I'd say what he said but his speech it was slurring.
Surprised by James' fear, we gritted our teeth,
Down to four, we encircled the pack like a wreath.
They now seemed to tense; each filling its belly,
Intending to guard their effluvial deli.
We were chubby and plump, they were feral and lean,
I began to foresee some results unforeseen;
With a wink of my eye, and a twist of my head,
I signaled retreat to consider my dread;
I spoke a few words, and the others agreed,
Our mission could wait till they'd finished their feed.
It wasn't too long, the pack made a mad dash,
No doubt to go pillage less picked-over trash.
So in victory formation, we marched back inside,
The heroes come home; full of beer, full of pride.
And I heard Mamma exclaim, as I opened a beer,
"Those two neighbor cats, bring such Christmas cheer!
Now march back outside and clean up their mess!"
Happy Christmas, I thought; to all, nonetheless.
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