It is very difficult to 'not' worry about what others think; especially in today's media-driven, narcissistic culture. I believe this 'concern' impacts our Happiness in that taking the time to fret over appearances (trivialities?) takes time away from 1) searching for Truth/Wisdom/Purpose, and 2) striving towards Inner Peace and Exoteric Goodness. So it looks like I am headed into a discussion about how (and/or why) not to concern ourselves with other's opinions; but I'm not. We can't help but concern ourselves with other's opinions because We Live With Each Other; and, it is our nature to do so. Because 'opinions' are an inevitable consequence of our daily existence, instead of trying (or learning) to ignore other's opinions, perhaps we would be better served by learning to differentiate between appearances and progress, and learning to 'not' automatically be overwhelmed, taken aback, or angered by these opinions so we can actually listen (to them) for understanding; after all some opinions are valid, and some advice is good.
Whether it is unwanted, unwarranted, solicited, unsolicited, or welcome, it helps me to look at feedback from the perspective of the opinionator - 180 degrees from the perspective of the recipient. This allows for empathy and encourages objectivity. And, since all of us have, at one time or another, expressed an opinion or given advice, it is not a big stretch to understand this viewpoint. So without further ado, let's listen to The Opinionator:
"I have opinions. I am in a position (as a spouse, parent, family-member, friend, co-worker) to express these opinions and knowingly or (sometimes) unwittingly influence other's actions and thoughts. Sometimes my light is blinding; and sometimes my thunder is deafening. You probably know others like me. As an 'Opinionator' I encourage you (beg of you) to shade your eyes with one hand and clamp an ear with the other; then look inward and search for your own light and rhythm. I am happy (small 'h') to help if and when I can, but too often I help without being asked. I am learning that my truth and wisdom is not necessarily yours. I think you already knew that.
When my opinion is input into this interactive human flow chart, and when you process that opinion through your system, if you spit out a course of action contrary to my input, then I will possibly (likely) spit out a judgment that may harm our relationship, thus harming Inner Peace and Exoteric Goodness. It is none of my business! Some of you know me so well (based on past actions) that even when I don't verbalize my judgment, you feel it; which does as much harm (perhaps more) than if we had talked it out.
The point, simply put - No Regrets! The past is past. Concern yourself with input, determine and implement your course of action, then move on. You may listen to my solicited and unsolicited opinions (input) and process them, but only listen to my (verbal or perceived) judgments (good or bad) if you can do so objectively in order to re-process them and apply them towards current or future actions. You may even choose to inwardly acknowledge mistakes, but Do Not fret or worry over my judgments! Additionally, I would appreciate (though I may not deserve) compassion and empathy for times I have interfered, led you astray, or given bad advice."
If you read the above carefully (and if The Opinionator were a real person), you may have intuited one or more of the following:
- an apology;
- appreciation for past forbearance;
- a plea for continued forbearance, as needed;
- a pledge to do better.
This fictional role as The Opinionator felt very natural. I can only hope to learn the role of gracious listener half as well. Perhaps it is not too late to show that an old dog can learn some new tricks; new tricks that begin with empathy and compassion. Thank you for listening.