I am energized because I am disappointed; and as a result, I am seeking validation. I would like to be more high-minded than this, but there it is; validation. Is validation just "purpose" or "direction" viewed from the inside out? "A Calling" certainly sounds more principled and noble than reassurance, but from where does the primary motivating factor originate? Could it be even more base? Am I perhaps working to justify my existence in order to explain my instinctive need to survive? Is it a path from instinct to desire to intrigue to acceptance to recognition to affirmation to direction to meaning? Or is it a single point with many names? I am sure this is not a new question. Perhaps I should research...

...After a tiny, tiny, tiny, infinitesimally tiny amount of research, I am going to take as a given that my instinct for survival has influence, and I am going to follow the path from there through the selfishness of validation in search of the virtue of purpose; assuming... hoping... that there is some unselfish goodness to be found.

I have addressed purpose in previous written thought, relating it to futility:

"...Futile is a very strong word; and in the narrow context of self-centered individual purpose, it is exactly the right word. If I work to save myself, I will ultimately disregard the world, and this effort will in no way significantly-delay or prevent the inevitable end of my earthly days; therefore I cannot work to save myself. But if I work to save the world, (the world that has an opportunity to continue beyond me), I believe that there is a chance that I might (perhaps accidentally) save myself along the way. Of course it is pretentious and preposterous for me to think that I may save the world---but it gives me purpose."

In this post I define validation as follows:

"Equitably serious, voluntary acknowledgement and consideration followed by a mutually volitional desire for rational argument and debate. (Validation is NOT flattery, praise, compliments, or having one's ego stroked. Validation is not agreement.)"

After reviewing this previous thought, though I have dignified validation, I still maintain its selfish nature because it clearly reflects an internal desire to relieve a degree of insecurity. And though I have simultaneously elevated and humbled purpose, I still believe it reflects a (sometimes slanted) desire to improve (sometimes specific) external circumstance and contribute to the well-being of (sometimes specific) other individuals.

Mark Twain said, "The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why."

I realize there is only one day on which I was born, but I have to ask, how many (second) days have I lived believing I have found my true purpose in life? I'm not sure I can count them all.

I believe each one of us becomes somewhat jaded with life experience, but perhaps I am moreso because, for the past two years, I have spent my days reading applications for admission into a Master of Physician Assistant Studies program. In part, it is important for a candidate to feel compelled to serve as a medical professional. And in a large majority of the applications, I read a version of Mark Twain's second day in which an individual discovers their calling. This week I read from the hand of one such candidate, confident and ebullient, certain they had found their future; but with a GPA of less than 2.80 and fewer than 750 hours of actual patient care experience, I feel a prescient pain reminiscent of multiple personal disappointments strewn in my wake. This is Life, and as stated in the first sentence above, I have learned to cull energy from disappointment. Learning from the past, I say that I eagerly anticipate disappointment, but I am still, (more often than not), blindsided. Learning from the past, I am sorry for those individuals who have only one "Day Two" and few life-altering disappointments, and quickly and efficiently move to their chosen vocation. Do these "Only-One-Day-Two" folks ever have second thoughts? (If so, they probably only have them one time.) Attempt at humor aside, I can't imagine them not suffering some twitches and pangs of uncertainty; though I can imagine them burying these tics beneath confident smiles and entitled artifice.

So perhaps I have established that most individuals adjust their aim throughout Life, but the question remains, is Purpose basically selfish or is there genuine goodness to be found? We are running alongside the concept of good intentions and we must acknowledge the potential for delusional sincerity. So if purpose will forever be entangled with selfishness, perhaps the question should become, will I find a validating circumstance in which I can truthfully share my essence?

I have to study this question for a moment. "Will I find a validating circumstance in which I can truthfully share my essence?"

Perhaps in recent years, I have accidentally created such an opportunity. By writing essentially uncensored weekly thought, I have the opportunity to share. The question now becomes, does anyone care enough to work at interpreting my meandering? I can truthfully say that this effort has evolved into a sincere desire to help all of Humanity. So perhaps by working to save the world, I have created an opportunity to save myself. But by doing so, I have also created a circumstance in which I am much more likely to be disappointed, because I am not asking another to simply flatter me or agree with me. I am asking another to truly KNOW me.

And I realize, that is asking a lot.

And I realize, it is even a bit terrifying.

Perhaps this is why many thinkers are not discovered until after their death.

And that thought actually validates my efforts. Because if I can be so BOLD as to work toward saving the world, I must be so BOLD as to think I may actually one day do so; even if not in my Life.

...Even if not in my Life.