From where I sit, I see bureaucracy embracing rules and laws that are made and enforced to protect the protected. Layer upon layer of comfort and security that, (I believe), serves to stifle joy. Yes; there are those having learned this, able to purposely step away from their comfort and security in order to experience joy. From where I sit, I don't need to step as far as some. I find joy on a fairly consistent basis. So far this week I found joy in making a breakfast casserole. I found joy in laps 18 - 90 in the first of my twice-weekly swims. I found joy in having a meaningful conversation with my wife.
But with joy, comes heartache. One cannot be, without the other. And yes; there are those having learned this, able to quickly step back into their layered comfort and security in order to avoid heartache. From where I sit, I don't always have easily-accessible comfort and security. I find heartache on a fairly consistent basis. So far this week I found heartache in a powerful bully impacting the world. I found heartache in a powerful bully impacting my family. I found heartache in a disappointing letdown from a work supervisor.
Joy without a consistent contrast to heartache, is not as vibrant. Heartache muffled by comfort and security, is not as instructive. To live is to, (as much as is humanly possible), experience the unadulterated extreme; and then again.
Some may scoff at comparing the momentary joy of a breakfast casserole with the lasting impact of a legislative bully. Some may scoff, believing I am working to compensate for 1) my lack of comfort and security, and 2) my failure to be a cog in the system. And perhaps I am. I have been a cog; and I was decommissioned for sudden limitations due to a disability. Having been there, it is likely accurate to say that if there had been no dismissal, I would still be a cog. So perhaps it is also accurate to say that I am compensating. But this does not take away value found in the offset. And it is not a validation of the system nor an attestation to an inherent superiority to be found in comfort and security. I believe, in a long-term reckoning, adversity is far more instructive with much greater potential for productivity.
From where I sit, it appears that comfort and security is frequently buoyed by self-importance which is often a byproduct of insecurity; (which is an interesting observation, that insecurity bolsters security). This is more obvious in some than in others, but I believe it to be present (to some degree) in any individual caught up in or by our bureaucratic system of rules and laws. We are enticed by the siren song of comfort and security, and whether resulting from a bad choice or a freak storm, some are dashed upon the rocks, and some of those are thrown ashore to wither and die. Others are given a life jacket, and still others a leaky rowboat with a paddle, and encouraged to make their way back to the luxury liners in deep water. I made some poor choices, and then I was caught in a freak storm; but I am still paddling.
This week I was demoted. Not based on performance, not in title, not in pay; but in responsibilities due to shifting priorities. I work part time screening applicants to present for committee review to determine interviews. We are projected at more than double the applicants this year over last year. I am willing and able to work full time and made my work supervisor aware of this in June. Though we get an application fee for each application submitted, in more than four months of awareness, this decision has not been a priority. Beginning this week I am no longer performing an in-depth screening. I have been forced to choose quantity over quality. Three years ago I was hired as a file clerk. I was promoted (in responsibilities only) to data analyst / coordinator, and now I have been demoted back to file clerk.
My second favorite part of this job was the data analysis and correlation to advance process improvement. My favorite part of this job was getting to know the candidates. From where I sit, the inability to perform at a high level, is heartache.
Yet, I still found joy this week. And that is the point. Heartache intensifies joy. I am still energized by the breakfast casserole I made, though I did not eat a bite; the joy was in the creation, and it helped that it turned out well. And I just finished my second swim this week, doing 100 lengths for the first time since I began swimming again in June. Another moment of joy that will energize beyond the moment.
And as for the heartache... The resulting discomfort and insecurity moves me to reassess and explore options. If I were still a cog in the system, numbed by comfort and security (and "good enough"), I would better understand and accept the political and bureaucratic indecision, and may have even instigated it. But from where I sit now...
...I have a better view.