I am a liar. Like two hooligans unknowingly caught in the act on camera, my left brain tells a different story than what my right brain experienced. And when confronted with the cinematic evidence, my left brain works very hard to put a positive spin on their actions. I am a liar.

I am stupid. Like two bureaucrats justifying ever-increasing expenditures, my left brain tells my right brain that the sacrifices are for the greater good and my right brain believes; passionately. And when the pain of sacrifice becomes too much to bear, my left brain works very hard to create a new story accounting for their actions. I am stupid.

I am confused. Like two schizophrenics convincing one another of their sanity, my left brain shapes the disorder, anxiety, excitability, and disorientation experienced moment-to-moment by my right brain into a fiction worthy of a Pulitzer. And when categorized as fiction, my left brain works very hard to convince the committee that their actions are not fiction. I am confused.

I am useless. Like two mid-level managers grumbling about the latest software upgrade, my left brain reassures my right brain that organic creativity will always be more valuable than mere algorithms. And when their meager bonuses reflect the uptick in sales, my left brain works very hard to persuade upper-level management that it was due to their actions and not a result of the new ordering system. I am useless.

I am predictable. Like a counselor and an addict, my left brain works very hard (reasoning with my right brain) as an advocate of the greater rewards found in delayed gratification. And when the system consistently knows my right brain better than my left brain knows my right brain, my left brain works very hard (reasoning with my right brain) as an advocate for the greater rewards found in delayed gratification. I am predictable.

I am truthful. Like two disagreeable old curmudgeons arguing over anything and everything, my left brain tells my right brain that even though together they grasp reality, his perspective is slightly more important than hers. And when experience shows otherwise, my left brain works very hard to maintain. I am a liar...