Some days I am anxiously restless.

Some days I am simply restless.

Some days I am satisfyingly restless.

And some days I am restlessly satisfied.

By choice, I do not consciously experience complete satisfaction.

At first glance this appears to be a progression from more discomfort to less discomfort. But for me, this is not a progression because it is not successive; it does not advance in a particular order. The daily, (and on occasion, the momentary), proportions (of restlessness and satisfaction) feel random, but never purposeless. I believe complete satisfaction would feel purposeless.

This week I have been at the “less discomfort” end of the spectrum, and I believe it is this circumstance that has pushed me to consider “random” and ask the following questions:

1. In this context, how is “random” defined?
2. Based on the definition, are the proportions (of restlessness and satisfaction) actually random? Or have I made previous choices that have lessened this week’s discomfort?
3. And if I am able, in which direction do I choose to impact my discomfort?
4. And why does less discomfort prompt me to consider the haphazard nature of my daily and momentary movement toward a future?

I am tempted to answer the last question first, but by doing so I do not want to mold and direct my answers (to the other questions) in a way that will support and justify this last answer. But through a more objective consideration attained from this current flow of written thought, I believe I can mitigate any bias and avoid a predetermined outcome. Or, perhaps not. Regardless, I cannot rid my mind of this thought:

In this moment I believe that the greater the discomfort, the greater the effort to move toward less discomfort, hence greater purpose and fewer off-topic thoughts. Conversely, the less discomfort (perceived or actual), the less effort necessary, resulting in less resolute direction and more (less-focused) tangents.

After elucidating this flow of thought in the two sentences above, I see that I have oversimplified. Though the basic structure remains, there is a complexity of layers beginning with discomfort vs. busyness. I could replace the word “discomfort” with the word “busyness” throughout this thought, and it would be as logical. The difference might be that discomfort is self-imposed whereas busyness is more commonly influenced by outside agents. Or, depending on the individual, there might be no difference. An argument could be made that the terms, (discomfort and busyness), are interchangeable; regardless of the impetus. Which raises the question, is busyness less productive than discomfort? And from productivity I could circle back to purpose, or I could detour into one of many side-roads in an effort to better understand the busyness of urgent vs. the discomfort of important. But having already driven down from restlessness and satisfaction to discomfort to busyness to productivity, all by way of purpose and effort and distraction, perhaps now I should work back to a more thorough examination of randomness and its impact on forward movement.

“Random: proceeding, made or occurring without definite aim, reason, or pattern.” This is a dictionary definition. For this week’s context I would include “beyond individual control” within this definition, (which I believe is implied). So to answer question #2 above, I will look at this concept of control.

It is interesting to note that when I feel more in control, I become more aware of my lack of control and conversely when Life is most chaotic my greater (perceived) purpose leads me to believe I am capable of regaining control. I also realize that in some (and perhaps a majority of) circumstance, these proportional differences between restlessness and satisfaction are (to an extent) delusional in that I am simply making adjustments so I am able to continue moving forward. The actuality is most likely that randomness impacts every choice before, during, and after, and therefore degrees of discomfort (or busyness) are (at least to an extent) accidental. If I have made previous choices that have influenced levels of discomfort, I believe the same choices in another week would not produce the same results. This being said, I also believe personal choice is important as a reflection of character.

So… even though I cannot control results through personal choice, I believe I can recognize my relative level of discomfort, and through consistent personal choice, I can work to increase it or decrease it according to perceived need; (perceived need for me is less discomfort when I feel more discomfort and more discomfort when I feel less discomfort). I also believe I can lessen the potential for delusional perception by strengthening my understanding of the inevitable randomness inherent in each moment. But, (assuming these thoughts are not delusional), is there an appropriate level of discomfort (or busyness) or am I doomed to forever seek, and never find, balance? And if, (as I believe), authentic (non-delusional) balance is unattainable, is it better to create more discomfort (or busyness) resulting in (perceived) purpose and/or direction, or is it better to work toward less discomfort (or busyness) potentially resulting in less (perceived) purpose and/or direction? It feels that I have consistently chosen greater discomfort (or busyness), but this examination has forced me to face a difficult question; a question that I believe is the culmination of this week’s thought:

Is purpose delusional?

If purpose is “the reason for which something exists,” and if I can’t know my purpose with certainty, (which I feel, in this moment, I cannot know), then any purpose claimed, with certainty, is delusional. There are many individuals who would disagree.

At the beginning of this written thought I said that my personal proportions of restlessness and satisfaction never feel purposeless; (implying there must always be some restlessness that contributes to and validates purpose). Now I am asking, is this feeling delusional? Or am I simply confusing purpose with direction?

As I rethink this, I believe that if I have direction I can be consequential and significant, and if I wander aimlessly I am more likely to be inconsequential and insignificant, but I cannot be certain that consequential, significant direction is the same as my purpose. I look around and see many sentient beings interpreting the consequence and significance of their direction (as determined by personal choice), as their inimitable purpose of paramount importance; and I look around and see many other individuals who disagree by choosing their own personal direction. So if we cannot agree, and if we do indeed equate personal direction with purpose, then perhaps purpose is delusional, (or at the very least, misleading), because, (based on such widely-differing individual directions), it over-inflates one’s sense of being, it makes one oblivious to the randomness in every moment of every day, and hence, it has the potential to create an illusion of control.

I believe a constant awareness of the inevitability of randomness is critical to productive forward movement. By deflating individual ego and by exposing the fraudulent nature of individual control, I believe I will maintain a restlessness that will encourage discomfort that will in turn guide me in a consequential, significant direction.