Ostensibly Happy

From seemingly nothing...




...to active hope.

Yet each day, I wake up hungry.

And most days I work hard to learn and I work hard to be productive.

Yet many days, I wake up ravenous.

Because many days I wake up to find that for each morsel of sustainable progress, the void expands by the equivalent of a heaping spoonful.

And some days I find myself holding the spoon.

But is it better to postulate futility and add nothing to this ...nothingness?

Or is it better to continue to build and scale a small tumulus of substance for a better view?

For nine years, I have consciously chosen the latter; and in the past five years, it has become habit.

Some days that "better" view inspires. Some days it overwhelms.

Some days I feel I am moving away from nothing. Some days it appears I am moving toward nothing.

Am I building something from nothing?

Am I building something for nothing?

Is my effort productive?

Or are my mounds of ostensible substance merely a ceremonial burial of my hopes?

I am more satisfied building and less satisfied viewing.

Is my level of satisfaction because building includes (the more active) doing, and viewing compels thought?

Because doing may include busywork, and thought may include contemplation?

Because busywork is specious, and contemplation may include an inner spirituality?

Because speciousness is of this World, and spirituality may transcend this World?

Because when I am building I can fill the gaps, and when I am spiritual I must leap the gaps.

Some of the gaps are wide and deep.

Standing at the edge of some gaps, I am unable to see the other side.

Perhaps the vast expanse of nothing is merely a very wide, very deep gap.

Perhaps I would prefer burying my hopes to losing them, failing to leap a gap.

But in a sense, regardless, I am filling the gaps.

Either with productive significance, or with the remains of my hopes.

...or perhaps with some of both.

It is necessary to build.

It is necessary to view; and think; and contemplate.

The alternative is hope without substance.

...the alternative is nothing.

But because it is necessary, and because the alternative is to add nothing to nothingness, does not mean that my substance is substantial.

...or productive.

...it only means that my substance is hopeful.

Each day, I wake up hungry.

Many days, I wake up ravenous.

...as it will be.

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