Shocking Happiness

Late last week, I had a difficult and disturbing dream. A stainless steel dinner fork was being held to my ribs on my left side. It was being maneuvered in a way to find entry between my ribs so as to gain access to my heart. I could not stop it. Finally, after multiple attempts, the angle was steepened and a potential opening was detected. I felt the eating utensil slide between the ribs, and rip and tear its way upward. I felt all four tines apply pressure and then slowly and painfully pierce the quivering muscle. I awoke still perceiving the sharp pain. After a few moments, it began to subside. I lay awake for some time afterward working to understand what it meant that in my dream I would wield such a weapon and cause such pain to myself. It is hard to explain the simultaneous feelings of horror and satisfaction upon finding this unexplored passageway leading to my Lifeblood.

The day before this dream I had an echocardiogram. With coronary artery disease and 7 Stents, the test was normal procedure. Today, (Wednesday), I got a call from my doctor's office with the results. Last Fall, at the time of my most recent Stent implants, my ejection fraction was 33%. It is now at 55%, which is in the normal range. This is not good news... It is great news! I have been worried; and I am fairly certain it is this anxiety that encouraged the content of my dream.

In a sense, I feel vindicated. For the past nine months, I felt I was to blame for the damage to my heart; but if there is truth in that, there must also be some truth in taking credit for the improvement. And regardless of the reality that both blame and credit are commonly exaggerated, it still feels good.

The connection between body and mind and emotion is undeniable. To dream and realistically---(realistically, in the sense that it is taken seriously and impacts physical and emotional responses)... To dream and realistically represent unspoken feelings and fears in a mind glaze of hallucinatory symbolism, is (for me) an indicator of the untapped depth and breadth of my potential for understanding. I do not consider these sleep forays to be magical or mystical, and I would consider them from "the beyond" only if one considers this "beyond" to originate from within. Unexplainable though it may be, in my sleep, I can see further, and delve deeper. In my sleep, I have less of a say. In my sleep, I am more truthful. In my wakefulness, I am afraid.

I want to understand. I want to see further. I want to delve deeper. I want to be more truthful. I believe by opening myself to these dreams I am strengthening these abilities, and in turn I am productively confronting conscious fear and anxiety.

It is Thursday morning. Last night I had another disturbing dream, exposing another unspoken, personal truth. I will not reveal details for fear---(a product of my wakefulness)---others will judge. (On a visceral level, this dream was drastically horrifying.) Yet, (at the risk of sounding Freudian), I still maintain that these mindmares, when properly examined, have more potential to reveal deeper personal truths than the decorum of our daily wakefulness ever will.

I have consistently had disturbing dreams for some number of years now. And, (as implied above), in some regards they are thought-provoking and helpful. Do I have these dreams because I am more open to truthfulness? Or are they merely a by-product of my (healthful) diet, my (coronary) medicines, or some other chemical or biological process or influence? Though I just spent this much of this paragraph on these questions, as I ponder them, I don't believe they are relevant. Perhaps I needed to get past these questions to realize that it is the content of my dreams that is relevant. It is the content of these disturbing dreams that help me to see further, delve deeper, and speak unspoken personal truths; (just, perhaps, not out loud). And by recognizing these exposed anxieties and fears, I believe I am able to, (not only build creative tension leading to productive confrontation), but also provide a sharper contrast, thus adding discriminatory value, to those all-too-rare, meaningfully substantive feel-good moments, such as I experienced yesterday.

Which, in a roundabout way, brings me back to my dream and those feelings of satisfaction keeping pace with the more obvious and expected feelings of shock and horror. How/Why is that a feel-good moment?

... ... ... ... ...

I could present some mystical, Karmic reasoning, such as: By seeking a passage that leads from this plane of empirical existence, I was symbolically seeking a path to Enlightenment. And though this answer has some possibilities, it also has some impossibilities. I will move on.

... ... ... ... ...

Perhaps a more practical explanation for these seemingly inappropriate feelings of satisfaction is that I have lived a Life. And while I have been far, (far, far...) from Perfect, I am satisfied with my effort. And while the prospect of those final moments may be horrifying, I should actively and productively confront the associated fear of what comes after. Death is inevitable. I must work hard from this moment to that moment to maintain satisfaction with my effort. This week I felt a weight lifted and effort rewarded. Instead of weeks or months, I have extended my outlook to years or, (perhaps excessively optimistically), even decades; and I have been reminded to continue my effort. In. Each. Moment.

Today is Saturday. Late yesterday, as I wrote the last words of the paragraph above, I believed this post was complete. This morning I received an email from an old friend in another state, who is battling cancer. Near the end he wrote, "You beautiful people have enriched my life." This is an example of sharp contrasts that add value to life experience. This is what makes the effort worthwhile.

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