It is a very difficult task, to live compassionately. For me, to move outside of my center to an extent that will allow another, (or others), to live beside me in a solitary cocoon of empathy and understanding can feel like a severing of an appendage of my essence; (this sounds extreme, but think about it). Based on my limited observation, most individuals are unable to even conceive of such an arrangement. I believe that individuals who suffer loss and embrace the pain specifically to learn from it, are more likely to make this Herculean effort toward sincere compassion, than those who insist upon the comforts of single occupancy.
Compassion in its perfect form---(a large silky bubble voluntarily inhabited by 7.4+ billion individuals living in equitably mutual beneficence)---is likely not attainable; at least not in my lifetime. But I would like to think that the possibility is at least conceivable, by a significantly increasing number of individuals, in my lifetime.
To move toward Compassion in its perfect form, one must move away from one's own center. Many would argue against this tactic, perhaps claiming that to love and/or care for another, one must first love oneself. I believe this argument to only entrench one more firmly in their personal center, thus denying another the possibility of equitable shared space. Love and Compassion must include willing sacrifice; and if I sacrifice, it may encourage another to do likewise, creating a second shared center; and then a third shared center; and then a fourth; and ultimately 7.4+ billion shared centers. And remarkably, when multiple individuals create space in and around one's own personal center, we now have more shared, supportive, compassionate, loving center space than we ever thought possible.
This past two weeks I have put forth much thought and effort toward a manageable process that would move me closer to this end. I am moving slowly. I began by working to be aware that much of the communication from me to another, is faulty long before it is verbalized. In the gaps from feelings to thoughts to words, much is lost. Realizing this creates a new awareness that since it is likely impossible for me to effectively communicate urgency or importance, it is also quite likely that the individual or individuals on the receiving end will not adequately or accurately interpret passion or emotion. When stated as such, this awareness feels basic. Yet I still find myself, (more often than I like), to be dumbfounded as to why another, (or many others), do not clearly understand what I work so hard to communicate.
This past two weeks, I have worked to hold on to this awareness (of perceived inconsequentiality) into and through my astonishment over other's misguided perceptions; only to find, on the other side of my astonishment, others staring back in astonishment, astonished that I have not clearly understood their communication or adequately interpreted their passion and emotion.
So Far:
- Faulty Verbalization.
- Inadequate Interpretation.
- Two-Way Street.
This is approximately where my active thought has come to be, in this moment. In this past two weeks, to stay focused and aware, and to continue moving toward compassionate living, I have been assigning two values (with a sum of ten) to each interaction or encounter with another or others. (Truthfully, I have found it difficult to implement in every case, but I have worked it into a fair sampling.) For the first value I work to quickly gauge the circumstance and the individual (or individuals) encountered in order to glean a number that will depict their perception of their relative importance compared to their perception of my relative importance. The second number becomes the difference between the first number and ten; (which, of course, depicts their perception of my relative importance). This sounds like an exercise in frustration, but I have found that when I turn the process on its head, I suddenly come to a better understanding of their center. I believe that the more frequently and consistently I practice this, the more likely the two versions will become one, ultimately, (no matter whose perception I begin with), resulting in a personal relative importance never more than five. Imagine that! Human interaction with a promise of equitable understanding. Talk about potential to alleviate suffering!
I would estimate that when I start with another's perception, on average, they believe their relative importance to be a 7, leaving their perception of my relative importance at a 3. When I turn to my perception, being truthful to myself, these numbers are reversed. With close friends and family, the numbers are more in the neighborhood of 6's and 4's. Two 5's have been rare, and I have yet to come across another whose perception of their relative importance is less than 5; and I don't believe one's own perception 'should' be less than 5; (or for that matter, ultimately, with practice, more than 5).
I believe there are SOME, (perhaps MANY), that may incorrectly interpret another's perception, believing that they place personal relative importance below THEIR own ego-inflated sense of importance. But I also believe that if one of THESE many made the effort to question and listen and understand, THEY would discover that THEIR interpretation/belief that another individual thinks THEY are more important, is in actuality a product of power. (In other words), there is circumstance in which it behooves one to step back and let ANOTHER believe in THEIR confused sense of importance.
This process of understanding that one's center appears to be more consequential than it is, from within the center, is only the first step toward compassionate living. Once I have made room and allowed another, (or others), in, to share my center, this alone will not resolve the power struggle. To work toward two 5's, I may, at least in the beginning, have to sacrifice a larger portion of my center than I would like, thus (depending on the degree of willingness inherent in the sacrifice) creating discomfort or even pain. This is the more difficult task. Looking back, to this point in my Life, I believe that when I have experienced prolonged discomfort and pain, (where "prolonged" is defined differently according to circumstance), I have evicted my tenant(s). (In the case of my Wife, Children, and Granddaughter, evictions have always been temporary, but have taken place nonetheless.) I believe this revolving door of compassion is common for most of us, and again I have come to an awareness that, when stated, feels basic and obvious:
When I allow another, (or others), into my center, I often expect gratitude in the form of agreement. Instead, to more sincerely practice compassion, I must allow them to maintain their own center within mine. I cannot dictate another's beliefs or methods AND maintain sincere compassion. We can seek common ground and then discuss and/or (passionately, but respectfully) argue ways and means to enhance productivity and to improve on the status quo; and then we must thoughtfully step back with individual dignity intact, and with mutual appreciation.
I see now that in my Life, though I have cared for and even loved others, and though I have made sacrifices in the interest of others, I have never truly and sincerely lived compassionately; because I have always, (in the process of caring and loving), worked to bend others to my way of seeing things. I have bullied in the name of the Greater Good. I have evicted in anger and self-righteousness. I have dismissed and ignored with certainty and disdain. I have caused pain for the sake of power and control. And in this moment, I feel shame; and sadness.
And in this moment, I also feel an active hope, welling up from my center. If I am able to see this, I would like to think that the possibility of Compassion in its perfect form is at least conceivable, by a significantly increasing number of individuals, in my lifetime.