TO: Past, Present, and Potential Creditors
CC: Friends, Family, and Acquaintances
BCC: Interested Egos seeking opportunity to feel superior
RE: My Bad Credit
By today's standards and criteria for good upstanding citizen, I am a failure. I have bad credit. I am not sure if I was born without a financial responsibility gene, or if that good credit synapse is misfiring, or if perhaps that money management nerve center somehow landed in my appendix and was surgically removed nearly 40 years ago. Whatever the case, by today's standards and criteria, I have spent a lifetime (so far) chasing too many dreams, asking too many questions, thinking too much, trusting too much, learning too long, laughing too much, crying too much, working too hard, and (for the most part) innocently believing tomorrow will be a better day. I have always railed against excessive/unnecessary rules. I have never understood those who believe financial success to be the (aptly-named and explanatory) gold standard for success in Life. I do understand that wealth, (and even simple financial security), gives one power, which can inflate an ego, but I do not understand why anyone would choose power over progress; money over personal growth; ruthless ambition over respectful synergy; the humdrum routine of bureaucracy over the pain and joy of Life.
With that said, the next paragraph will sound to some like excuses. In my head it is an explanation for my past irresponsibility and my more recent failure.
In the past, financially, I have always kept my head above water; (in some circumstance and through some periods of time, just barely). As indicated above I have never had a burning desire to seek riches. Though I know this and say it with considerable confidence and certainty, I also know that throughout my Life I have had a burning desire; I just am uncertain as to exactly what it is that I have a burning desire for. I am still searching. If one defines "astray" as "off the beaten path of acceptable societal rules and constraints" then in the past, this search has many times led me astray. Looking back, I see these forays into the wilderness as valuable adventures and even more valuable misadventures. Regardless, until about ten years ago, I remained close enough to the beaten path to (mostly) stay in acceptable society's good graces. Ten years ago I had the temerity and impertinence to develop Meniere's Syndrome in a second ear---(and I only have two)---thus creating a circumstance of disability that thrust me into an outcast status of living off of Uncle Sam. Four-and-a-half years ago I found an accommodating full-time job that allowed me to get ahead financially, and break free from fixed-income status. Three years ago, due to some degenerating symptoms creating additional limitation, I requested some additional accommodation to keep me working full-time. During this year-and-a-half of full-time labor, I financially over-extended some (as is my wont), but would have been okay by continuing to work full-time. The company decided that their offer of accommodation was a demotion and a move back to a part-time position. There was no basis for this demotion, other than my request for accommodation---(a request to work from home 1 or 2 days per week, for which precedent had been set). I fought this circumstance and I discovered that under-employment is not against any labor laws, and there was no judicial precedent for discrimination based on under-employment. The fact that they offered any job at all apparently decreed that as a disabled worker I should be grateful for the opportunity, keep my mouth shut, and stay in my place. I believe in being responsible, and to that end I can say with confidence that I contributed to my current financial straits---(that misfiring synapse et al.)---I can also say, with confidence, that this specific, unexpected employment setback was very much a co-contributor.
Perhaps these are excuses, though I will continue to believe it is an explanation, and I will (beginning this week) test other's interpretation of my past circumstance. These thoughts and unpleasant reminisces have been prompted by my current need to apply for consideration and approval for new rental housing. The application process for the larger management groups is daunting; and painful.
So to further strengthen my case for explanation over excuses, I present the following thoughts/examples of applicable well-ordered circuitry. In the past 22 years I have had 3 landlords who will all provide outstanding references. One told me just yesterday that "anyone would be crazy not to rent to me." My circuitry is not so faulty as to not understand the priorities of a roof over my head and food on the table. My circuitry is not so faulty as to not understand my responsibility to take care of a tangible property or good entrusted to my care. My circuitry is not so faulty as to not understand the importance of personal relationships.
I am sorry to any one I have hurt with my poor financial planning; and I know I have done so in some limited indirect ways. But I also know, for the most part, the harm has been from a mere number---(me)---to nameless, faceless bureaucrats charging---(I acknowledge, agreed-upon)---exorbitant interest rates, gambling on my desperation and proven lack of financial judgement, knowing they have the power of wealth and the backing of the law to harass and belittle, thereby dismantling individual humanity. Strong words; but reflective of the frequently-felt reality.
Financially, I have failed. For whatever reason, I do not take money (or "stuff") as seriously as (by today's standards and criteria) I should. Recently that does feel synonymous with failing in Life. Rationally, I know better. But there are many days when reason cannot quell the painful emotion. I submit this sincere, deeply personal, written thought in the active hope that it will lead to a greater depth of understanding, and to a better tomorrow.
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I wrote all of the above in one sitting, early this week. There is a stigma associated with financial failing; as there is with many human failings and weaknesses. In the face of this potential embarrassment and shame, I have struggled mightily deciding whether or not to publish this written thought in this space. Though my readership is light to (in actuality, it appears) nonexistent, I still take myself seriously. But by putting this out here I also recognize the relative insignificance of my personal circumstance, and I believe this public confession will help me to learn and grow by actively acknowledging the synonymous relationship between individual humanity and weakness. Perfection is impossible. Some hide flaws better than others. I am tired of hiding, and though not proud of my flaws, perhaps it is time to own them.
I choose the Pain and Joy of Life.
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