Some choices I make lead to harm. Some choices I make lead to good. Many choices I make lead to a fusion of harm and good. I work hard to minimize harm and maximize good - I am not always successful.
In art, negative space is the open area around an object that allows us to identify that object. Without negative space, chaos and anarchy would prevail. This week I have been contemplating my negative space: Is it the harm I do that defines my goodness? Or is it my goodness that pushes any harm I may do to the forefront?
It is not difficult to acknowledge the existence of negative space, but it is quite difficult to focus on and definitively interpret negative space. I believe friends and family to see any extraneous harm that I may do, (that does not directly impact them), as negative space, allowing for a generously focused interpretation of my goodness. I believe critics to see my goodness as negative space, allowing for heavy-handed disapproval and judgement. I believe that based on circumstance (when I examine myself) I tend to play both the part of friend and the part of critic. The reality is that when I vacillate between friend and critic, I am one big unidentifiable blob of goodness and harm. But blobs are not pretty. We like definition; therefore we need negative space to create a positive space that is consistent with our definition of that object. So some days I define myself as good; and some days I define myself by my failings.
When I play critic and subvert my goodness into the generic oblivion of negative space, I am not just. When I play friend and interpret weaknesses as bland inconsequentialities and banish these personal imperfections to be forever lost in negative space, I am not just. But when I play fair and work at truthfulness, I often see a giant, ugly, bubbling, molten mass of blobbyness with no negative space; and I am confused.
It appears that I need to definitively choose my primary negative space and from there work very hard on focus and interpretation, as well as on an awareness of where the boundary lies between it and my positive space.
If I were to rely on my current instincts I would choose my goodness as my primary negative space, because if I chose the opposite it would be a lie. I am an imperfect human and (these days) in more circumstance than not, I am a critic acutely aware of my flaws and defects and the dangers of delusional comfort at the expense of adversity and growth.
I need to give in to the blob and work at reshaping it: first as positive space in the form of my imperfections and the harm that results from actions that I choose; and then spread outward to the negative space of my personal goodness that does have its own form and shape, though one must squint just so, from a certain angle, in a certain light, to make it out.
It is quite difficult to focus on and definitively interpret negative space. Blobs are ugly. Negative space is not nothing. Negative space has form and shape and definition. Based on my choice above, if I want to understand my goodness, I must learn to read negative space. For circumstance when my instinct (or a friend or a family member) leads me into the role of friend, I must also learn to read that negative space in order to consistently retain an understanding of my imperfections. To add further depth and complexity, I must also learn to interpret figure-ground reversal - (where 'figure' is 'object' and 'ground' is 'negative space') - as it relates to a specific object. An example would be to misinterpret complacent comfort as goodness and/or to misinterpret the pain of adversity as harmful when in reality the former leads to stagnation and the latter to growth. As we become more adept at recognizing boundaries and reading negative space, we will become less likely to be fooled by the shape-shifting blob.
We need contrast and definition.
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As I begin to write these words it is the first wee morning hour of a new day. In the very first minutes after midnight I was wrenched from sleep by a horrible nightmare; perhaps the worst (so far) I have ever had. I will never share with anyone the content or context of this darkest of imaginings. With considerable trepidation I am feeling my way around the edges of the negative space that define my falling-down frailty as shown to me by this dream. As a crushing weight, in the blackest relief, this dream has relevance to who I am; or at least to who I currently interpret myself to be. I am afraid to sleep again for fear that my unfettered proddings and pokings may again wake this creature. I will sit up until I work my way all the way around this dangerous, definitive, razor-sharp edge and until I am able to move safely outward into a recognizable negative space of personal goodness. I know it is there. Negative space is not nothing.
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Even in sleep, it seems I am a critic. In the dawn of this same day, with a little distance between me and the dream, I believe it is the most horrifying nightmare I have ever had... ...So far.
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I have applied this week's thinking to an actual nightmare that brought to the forefront a sharply focused image of my malignant humanity. By blindly feeling my way around the negative space of my goodness, instead of only being horrified by my (imagined) willingness to cause suffering, I better understand that because of my goodness I am able to be horrified. I have acknowledged and recognized my goodness and (I believe) I have strengthened that goodness with truthfulness. Make no mistake, I am still horrified at last night's hint of potential; but by consciously insisting that my flaws, fears, and failings fill the positive space, I have forced a candid personal accounting based on the greater effort required to balance my obvious imperfections and the concealed truths of furtive personal goodness.
It is nice to think that I am a good person. It is a more accurate reflection of reality to understand my human potential for harm, and demand exponentially greater effort toward goodness. I am first and foremost an imperfect individual. When seeking a deeper truth, and suddenly faced with the disorientation of shifting shapes, it is too easy to pull forth and sculpt personal goodness as positive space, and then look past the unnoticeable negative space of imperfection. Greater effort toward goodness demands that it be relegated to the negative space enabling me to also remain consistently aware of my failings which in turn will encourage an evolving lessening of harm.
I will remain a critic.