Confronting Happiness

The following paragraph is an excerpt from the work of fiction ‘Dark Eden’ by Chris Beckett; (the character is 15 year old John the day after he stood his ground and killed a leopard, when instead he could have easily hidden in a tree):

“You’re all of you hiding up in trees like Gerry did, I said in my head to all those friendly smiling people, and that’s the trouble with bloody Family. You eat and you drink and you slip and you quarrel and you have a laugh, but you don’t really think about where you’re trying to get to or what you want to become. And when trouble comes, you just scramble up trees and wait for the leopard to go away and then afterward giggle and prattle on for wakings and wakings about how big and scary it was and how it nearly bit off your toes, and how so-and-so chucked a bit of bark at it and whatshisname called out a rude name. Gela’s tits! Just look at you!”

Today the leopard may come because I call it. Tomorrow it may come of its own volition. Yesterday it managed to sneak up on me when my guard was down. Last week it fooled me into thinking it was my friend. Next week I may face it down and run it off. Last month I opened my arms and let it feed on me. This Summer I intend to track down the biggest one I can find and secretly observe it in its natural habitat, in the active hope that I may learn from it and spend less time giggling in the trees.

We will never be friends. No matter how many I kill, there will always be leopards. A leopard’s flesh is noxious and bitter. A leopard’s heart is nutritious and savory. Many will hide in the trees at the sight of a leopard – Some will hide in the trees at the sound of a leopard – A few will hide in the trees at the thought of a leopard – And a few of those, live in the trees.

There are some days when others perceive me as the leopard. On these days I must decide if I will chase them up the trees or simply sing my leopard song to let them know I am here. I must occasionally chase them up their trees so my leopard song will be heard. I must be wary though of other nearby leopards, and of the possibility that what I am chasing may turn out to be a larger leopard. There can only be one leopard in any given moment. Some days it is good to be the leopard.

There are some days when the leopard is inside me. On these days I must decide if I will smother it or leave it to run loose. If the leopard is inside me and I smother it quickly, very little changes. If the leopard is inside me and I let it run, I may learn and grow. The longer I allow the leopard to run inside me, the greater the learning and the greater the possibility it will escape … and then what? If it escapes from inside me, this would be a different leopard than the one that sings and chases others up their trees. This would be a leopard that could as easily turn on me. This would be a leopard that can climb trees. This would be a leopard singing a song of incendiary dissonance. When the leopard is inside me – before it escapes – I must smother it.

Many, many years ago leopards could only sing. Recently leopards have learned to laugh. Many, many years ago most leopards were brightly colored and sang proudly. Today more and more leopards blend into their surroundings and their song can be indiscernibly hypnotic. Many, many years ago our time spent hiding in the trees was considered a sad, but necessary, part of Life. Today, many of us passively accept this time in the trees as normal, often oblivious to the fact that we are even hiding; and those who don’t realize they are hiding are generally more susceptible to the siren song of this new breed of leopard. Many, many years ago most leopards knew they were leopards. Today, more and more leopards believe they are saviors.

I cannot think about where I am trying to get to or what I want to become if I am hiding in a tree. To seek Truth and Wisdom – one must acknowledge the leopards; one must recognize the leopards; one must learn from the leopards; one must live with the leopards; and some days, one must be the leopard. To study the leopard, brings forth Wisdom. The closer one comes to the leopard, the closer one comes to Truth. To glimpse the leopard’s hidden beauty, engenders Peace. And to experience the symbiotic tug between the leopard and its prey, feels a little like (I would imagine) Happiness might feel.

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